Today in The Motherhood, we were joined by Kate Hopper, whose book, “Use Your Words: A Writing Guide For Mothers” aims to help women mine for the stories of their lives and bring them into the light. Kate was joined by Marilyn Bousquin, Kara Thom, Janine Kovac and Mary Hill, other writing mothers, to discuss the challenges to writing as a mother and  what is gained by overcoming them.

One obstacle mothers find to writing is a perceived lack of time. As mothers, we know that our free time often comes in increments that can be measured with the second hand sweep of a watch. The solution is to use the time you have, even if it’s just five minutes. Mary has “taken to keeping a blank document open on my computer and a stack of post-its in the kitchen. I’ve started a few essays with notes from a post-it!” Kara tries to keep a notebook in her “take everywhere” bag.

Like so many moments of motherhood, inspiration is fleeting; capture it however you can or it evaporates. Kate also noted, “I think it’s important to figure out when you’re freshest, and put aside ten or fifteen minutes then. Sometimes that means getting up really early for me or heading to the coffee shop on the weekend.”

Marilyn brought up Kate’s encouraging women  “to write their experience of motherhood despite the cultural myth of motherhood.” She questioned how we can separate the two. Kate suggested, “I think it helps to begin with what you perceive to be a mother failure. Write it in as much detail as possible and how you felt about it. then start asking questions. Why did you feel like a failure? Where were those messages coming from?” What an amazing idea – using what feels like failure as a gateway to your truth!

Erin echoed a wish many of us share – to have a record of the stories of our mothers and grandmothers – and asked how to know where to start in telling our own stories. Kate’s advice was to begin with a single detail, and to capture moments first by focusing on sensory details (imagine the smell of your grandmother’s kitchen).  Once you’ve captured one moment in detail, Kate said to move on to another, and recommended keeping a list of memories so you can be ready to work when you have a few minutes.

Janine pointed out that a lot of “mom-oirs” and mom blogs sound the same – how do you find your voice? Kate cautioned that voice doesn’t always magically descend; sometimes it comes late in the writing process, and sometimes it can be crafted. Mary said sometimes she gets tired of her voice, questioning whether that means it’s not authentic. Marilyn responded, “Many of us women become ‘distant’ from our authentic voices as we move through adolescence, and writing to your pre-adolescent self can put you back in touch with the part of you (your voice) that is still there!”

Then there is the question of what to share, and how to share it. Sometimes, as Kara pointed out, the stuff that resonates with readers is “the hard stuff,” the tales of struggles and feeling like a failure.

What about the need to speak about the joys of motherhood? Those are an equally true part of our stories, but they can feel hard to write without coming off as sappy or shallow.  Kate cut to the heart of the matter when she said, “I think there needs to be room for all of our experiences to exist on the page, but if the subject or voice doesn’t feel natural to you, it’s not a fit.” We need permission to write the truth as we know it, not as we imagine an audience wants to see it.

Privacy issues can crop up as our kids get older. Their lives are so interwoven with our stories, but they may not want us to share them, as Deborah pointed out. Kate offered that one solution may be to refocus a piece on you, rather than on your kids. She allowed that it’s a tough call, and that she bears in mind that one of our primary jobs as moms is to protect our children. In the end, as with so many parts of mothering, we may just have to listen to our gut.

Writing and motherhood have much in common. Doing it well is difficult, but you have to keep at it anyway, day after day, with an uncertain outcome looming in the hazy distance. The work comes out better when it’s done with a full heart. And both are journeys of discovery.

Kate put it so beautifully: “I think discovery is inherent in writing any memoir. If you are really searching for answers, it’s inevitable. I think as mothers we’re so caught up in the day-to-day that it’s hard to take the time to process our experiences. Writing slows us down enough to allow us to discover what we know.”

If you said “no,” don’t feel bad – many people have trouble identifying and articulating their dreams, much less achieving them.  According to Whitney Johnson, author of the new book Dare, Dream, Do, one of her motivations for writing the book came from women telling her they didn’t have any dreams.

“When I took a sabbatical from Wall Street in 2005, I was so excited to be talking to women about dreams,” she said. “But when I asked what their dream was, I’d often hear, I don’t have a dream, or I don’t know how to achieve my dream. That saddened me deeply.”

Whitney talked with a motivated group of women in The Motherhood this afternoon about her book, daring to dream and making things happen.  She was joined by co-hosts Melanie of Modern Mami; Jenna of A Mom’s Balancing Act; Amanda of Parenting by Dummies; Amie of Mamma Loves; and Morra of Women Online.

On “Daring”

“In my experience, women are actually pretty good at the do, the executing of a dream, and even know what that secret place, is — it’s really the daring that is tremendously difficult, because we’ve forgotten it is our privilege to dream,” Whitney said.

“I think our daughters, especially, need to see us daring to do. So often, girls hold back on challenging themselves,” added Melanie of Modern Mami.

Several people noted that fear of failure held them back from daring to dream, but as Whitney pointed out, failure gives you information – not a bad thing. “It does seem that we learn from our mistakes and failures,” said Jenna of A Mom’s Balancing Act. “An important thing for us to understand and to help our children understand as well.”

On “Dreaming”

“Sometimes we can’t articulate a dream because we don’t know what it is… but more frequently, we are afraid to say what we really want for fear of the social cost,” Whitney revealed. “Anna Fels, a Cornell psychiatrist, discovered that women don’t lack ambition. But because we are only considered feminine when we are giving up resources, whether time, money, or praise, then we are in a double bind if we want to dream.”

“I think I am still trying to figure out what my dream is,” said Amanda of Parenting by Dummies, expressing a popular sentiment. “I have a good idea of where I want to be in my life, but not a lot of certainty about how I plan to get there. My birthday is tomorrow though so I’ve been doing a lot of that so-another-year-has-passed thinking lately!”

“Birthdays are great milestones to take stock, I find. You can set intentions for you next year- even little ones!” replied Morra of Women Online.

So how can you effectively discover your dream? Whitney suggests “mining your innate talents (what you do reflexively well), acquired competencies (you’re good at because you’ve practiced), feminine strengths (how do your relational skills and emotional attunement inform your dreams), and deeply-held beliefs (what do you believe about the world).”

“My favorite thing about the book, is that it provides a pattern to follow. That way, when we work and make dreams come true, we start again with the process,” said macyrobinson.

It never hurts to write it down, too. As thienkim said, “2012 is the first year I’ve made a list of things I want to do. Just writing it down puts it out there in the universe. It’s encouraged me to ASK (my word for the year) for things. I’ve accomplished many things from my list already.”

On “Doing”

“I think once you figure out what your dream is, figuring out the next steps on how to achieve it, is the hardest part,” said Melanie of Modern Mami.

Amie of Mamma Loves pointed out that it’s especially tough for moms “to balance our dreams and our responsibilities. There is that constant battle between doing what we can to provide for our children v. doing what we love.”  And Amanda at Parenting by Dummies agreed, “I always am afraid of making a time commitment or a financial commitment b/c that takes away from my family.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t have dreams, as much as it was that I didn’t know how to go about reaching them,” agreed CGKoens. “They seemed so huge and the steps to get there were blurry. What I discovered was that sometimes, all it takes is encouragement from one person.”

And Becki pointed out, “I am willing to work harder and persist longer if I believe I have a chance of success. That’s why encouragement (not just empty praise) is so valuable.”

We wish you well in achieving your dreams and leave you with this beautiful sentiment Whitney expressed during the live chat:

“We dream so our children can dream. 1) By dreaming we model for our children how to dream; 2) By dreaming, we avoid foisting our own ambitions on our children because of our unlived life. Paraphrasing, psychologist Carl Jung said, ‘one of the largest influences on a child is the unlived life of a parent.’ When we dream our own dreams, we can let our children dream theirs, and simply bear witness to the lives they will live.”

In honor of the downtime and relaxation you will be doing, we offer a couple fun Mother’s Day musings for your enjoyment!

Hugs to all of you! Have a fabulous day!

Excerpt from Anna Quindlen’s book, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake called “Advice to My Younger Self”

The Last Mother’s Day by Timothy Egan

The Mouthy Housewives, Motherhood in Six Words

Make your own Mother’s Day Fantasy Video via MomsRising

Who’s Mother’s Day is it? From Motherlode

Are Dad’s the New Moms? from The Wall Street Journal

How to Show Appreciation on Mother’s Day from Crappy Pictures

Awkward Family Photos Mother’s Day Slide Show

Baby animals and their moms from Daily Beast

Happy Mother’s Day!

Last night, we talked about exceptional pet care with a great group of women, led by Amanda Larson of Coping with Frugality (mom of Turk, the dog pictured above, and Hank the cat). She was joined by co-hosts Alea of Premeditated Leftovers, Courtney of Joy of Momma Joyner, and Shell of Not Quite Susie Homemaker.

The group’s pets ranged from cats and dogs to horses and even a bearded dragon.

Feeding Your Pets

Amanda of Coping with Frugality kicked off the chat with a topic that’s been in the news since the death of 39-pound cat Meow, who was recently introduced to the world on the TODAY Show. “I am very passionate about feeding my pets natural and organic foods! What do you feed your pets?” she asked.

“My parents’ dog is diabetic. And he has bad allergies. SO he gets a good dog food, but he also gets meat, cheese, green beans, etc. added to his food. He’s a PICKY eater, so they have to try different things all the time to get him to eat,” replied Courtney of Joy of Momma Joyner.

“I actually have a ‘pet food’ garden for our animals that like veggies where I grow their favorite organic fruits and vegetables,” said Alea of Premeditated Leftovers, whose pets include horses and guinea pigs.

“My dog loves home cooking! We make him his own birthday cake every year too,” added Amanda of Coping with Frugality. “I googled a recipe and it was pretty bland to my tastes but he loved it – it was flour, eggs, peanut butter, maybe some honey.”

Playing with Pets

Play and exercise, just like a healthy diet, are as important for pets as they are for children.

“We play A LOT outside,” said Courtney of Joy of Momma Joyner. “Big Sis (my 21 month old) LOVES to be outside. So we play ball and chase a lot. We also talk to them all the time. as if they completely understand everything we say!”

“Our horses love music and dance to the beat of the song,” added Alea of Premeditated Leftovers, sharing this photo of her daughter playing the violin for their horse.

Choosing a Vet

When pets get sick and need immediate or long-term care, you want to be able to turn to a vet you trust.

“I always talk to friends/family/etc and look for referrals,” said Amanda of Coping with Frugality. “It is also important to find someone that can actually be reached after hours in case of emergencies!”

“I will not go back if they don’t listen to me or act like they know better than me,” added Shell of Not Quite Susie Homemaker. “Of course, they’re the vet, so they DO know more, but their concern should be telling me what I don’t know, not showing off what they do.”

Training Pets

Keeping your pets happy and healthy doesn’t mean they should be able to run you ragged with misbehavior.  Just like kids, pets should have boundaries.

“We didn’t do official training. We just trained them like we wanted them to behave. We first taught them that WE were in charge! Then we taught them the basics… Sit, Lay Down, Stay, No, Come,” said Courtney of Joy of Momma Joyner.

“My dog knows a few tricks that I taught her when she was a pup,” said Shell of Not Quite Susie Homemaker. “As far as advice on how to train … I just told Bella to do the actions over & over and luckily she picked them up eventually.”

Tell us about your pets in the comments!

So I was particularly pleased when Judy Goldberg (whom we love here in The Motherhood!) introduced me to her cousin Priscilla Warner, author of Learning to Breathe.  You might also know Priscilla as co-author of the hugely popular The Faith Club.

Learning to Breathe, about Priscilla’s year-long quest to bring calm to her life, is just out in paperback, and in celebration, I thought it would be fun to post a Q&A with the wonderful Priscilla.  Here’s to all of us finding a bit more calm in our lives, with Priscilla’s help!

Q: Why is it important for mothers to meditate?

I think it’s very important for a mother to feel whole, grounded and calm. We beat ourselves up for what we did or didn’t do as parents and women, at home and at work. We often put our children’s needs ahead of ours. We compare ourselves to other mothers and wonder if we’re doing all that we can or all that we are “supposed to do.”

Meditation provides a safe haven for an individual – a port in a storm, a quiet study, or, as Virginia Woolf wrote, “a room of one’s own.”

Motherhood can be lonely, hectic, depressing, exciting, rewarding, confusing and exhilarating.

Meditation teaches us that all of those moments come and go. Once I developed a meditation practice, I became less reactive to events. I’m not in control of my emotions, but I also don’t try to control them. I’m able to step back and observe myself, my family, and my friends without jumping to conclusions or donning a superhero cape to try and fix everything heroically.

Q: On some days, I don’t even manage a shower – how can I fit in time for meditation?

The Dalai Lama suggests that people start out meditating for just five minutes a day. If you force yourself to sit still for 45 minutes, you’ll just set yourself up for disappointment, he says.

My goal was to build up my meditate practice to 20 minutes a day, which is what the neuroscientists I consulted agreed was beneficial. It’s not the amount of time you devote to the practice that’s important; it’s the consistency of your commitment. And a practice is built up slowly, over time. It’s very personal and private. No one but you knows that it’s happening. I find it so much easier than dieting, where there’s a scale to answer to. Or tight jeans.

My first teacher, a young Tibetan monk, understood the demands of modern life very well, and taught in a very open-minded fashion. I learned how to meditate while sitting down, with my eyes open or shut. I learned how to do walking meditation and how to meditate while lying down or listening to music. He suggested we vary our practice, so that we wouldn’t get bored. I don’t meditate in a certain time or place. On busy days, I meditate at the end of the day, in bed, lying down. I meditate in my minivan in parking lots all over town, when I have a few spare minutes to myself. When I see something I find calming in the middle of my day, I pull over to the side of the road and take a few moments to breathe.

And I often listen to guided meditation cds, when I’m tired or need a meditation partner or teacher. Sometimes chanting or music takes me where I need to go. I offer many resources for guided meditation and teachers at the back of my book.

Q: Do I need a special place in my house for meditation?

I meditate all over the place, but some people find it helpful to pick one spot that becomes more and more comfortable over time. Sometimes just lighting a candle, wherever I am, will help differentiate the time and place where I’m meditating from the rest of my busy life. Or music can do that as well. I bought a meditation cushion, so sometimes I sit on the floor, but I often meditate on a chair or couch.

Wherever you meditate, I think it’s important to let the rest of your family know that you’re taking time to take care of yourself. I found it awkward to announce to my family “I’m meditating!” I felt self-conscious. What would they think I was up to? But as I fell in love with the idea of caring for myself in this very special, powerful way, I grew less and less self-conscious. We don’t announce to the world  that we’re eating chocolate. Or going to the gym. Or reading a magazine (which I so longed to do when my kids were little!) We just do what we know works for us. Or we should.

Q: Can meditation help with postpartum depression?

I’m very careful not to offer up meditation as a magical cure for anxiety or depression. Anti-anxiety medication played an important role in my life for many years, allowing me to function well at home and in the workplace. I do think that people can play an active role in their own health care. I became my own sort of holistic physician, and I know the rhythm of my own body better than anyone else. Meditation deepens that knowledge of myself. And the better I know myself, the better I’m able to work with therapists and doctors in order to heal. Meditation is an important part of the internal toolkit I’ve assembled. Along with exercise and a good diet, it stabilizes me.

Q: How has meditation helped with your parenting?

I am calmer and happier. My children know that, and feel a sense of security and calm, knowing that my hair trigger temper is mostly gone, that I won’t jump to conclusions, assume the worst will happen, or worry so much that I drive them a little bit crazy. My children are older now, but problems still arise. I still lie in bed at night on occasion, wishing I could make their lives easier. But by strengthening my own coping mechanisms, I’ve shown them that they will learn and develop their own coping skills. I hope that includes a meditation practice!

Q: Can kids meditate?

Yes. I think children come into the world knowing how to meditate. And then the world teaches them how to fill their brain with other stuff. If you’ve ever looked into the rear-view mirror of your car and seen your child staring off into the distance, you might agree that they’re “somewhere else,” and that place might be a meditative place. Of course they could also be thinking about Chuckie Cheese. Or the teenage equivalent, which is more frightening to contemplate. That’s one of the wonderful things about meditation, by the way. No one can read your thoughts. No one can see that you’re doing something “wrong.” Meditation is a very internal process, and if you’re not hard on yourself, things will fall into place the more you practice.

But here are the questions that stop me in my tracks: What IS a habit? How did I get the ones I have? And how, oh, how can I change some of them?

Today in The Motherhood we had the great good fortune to discuss habits with Charles Duhigg, award-winning New York Times business reporter and author of The Power of Habit, which is currently 7th on the New York Times Best Seller list.

Joining him was a panel of featured guests, including Jen of The Suburban Mom, Jill of The Diaper Diaries, Liz of A Nut in a Nutshell, Holly of The Culture Mom, and Asha of Parent Hacks.

Charles identified a habit as “a decision you made at some point, and stop making, but continue acting on.” It’s something that’s become automatic. Emily asked Charles what his biggest takeaway was from writing the book. He responded, “That ANY habit can be changed. It doesn’t matter how ingrained the behavior, or how long it has been a part of your life. What we have learned from recent neurology studies is that any habit can change, if you know how.”

Naturally, we all wanted to know how. And Charles obliged, with this beautiful three-step process:

“First, diagnose the cue. Most cues fall into one of five categories: a time of day, or a certain place, a certain emotion, the presence of certain people or a preceding behavior that has become ritualized. Once you know the cue, you know when the habit starts.

“Second, figure out what reward the habit delivers. Are you eating cookies because you are hungry? Or bored? Or want the burst of energy the sugar provides? Look for what craving the habit is feeding by conducting experiments (for instance, by eating an apple for hunger, or drinking coffee for energy. Then ask yourself: are you still craving the cookie?).

“Third, figure out a new behavior that can be triggered by the old cue and deliver the old reward. If you previously had a cookie every afternoon at 3:30 because it gave you a chance to take a break, then start scheduling a walk with a friend for 3:30 every day. It doesn’t have to last more than 10 minutes, but it will replace the cookie habit!”

Adrienne asked about the biggest mistake people make when trying to change a habit. Charles said that it’s not giving themselves the reward they really want. (Note to self: stop trying to pretend a rice cake is a “treat.” A two-year-old can see through that one.)

Liz wondered, “How long does it take to make something a habit or change a habit?” Charles said it varies from person to person and behavior to behavior, and offered this encouragement: “The good news is that it will get easier each day. Our neurology is programmed to latch onto habits, and so they get easier each time we do them.”

Asha noted that there’s often a nagging, scolding internal voice that often accompanies our attempts to change a habit. Charles acknowledged this, and said that the key is to remember you’re on a journey, and that we shouldn’t expect change to occur all at once.

Jill observed that she finds accountability to someone else helpful when trying to break a habit, and Charles confirmed that studies back her up: “Dozens of studies have shown that if you commit to a goal with a partner or group, you are much more likely to achieve it.”

Liasynthis wondered about how to ramp up one’s internal motivation to make a change. Charles recommended allowing yourself to really envision the change you want; as the goal seems increasingly real, he said, motivating yourself will become easier.

Once you’re in the groove with a new habit, how do you keep that groove from becoming a rut? Charles had this to say: “The secret is to give yourself evolving rewards. Every routine becomes boring at some point – so spice it up by choosing future rewards. When you start exercising, focus on a small reward – but after a month, choose something big and nice to give yourself if you stick with the work outs. Our brains love novelty. They assign reward value to something new. So vary your rewards, and it will be easier to stick with the plan.”

Holly and EllenRonnie both wondered, what if it’s not your own habit change you’re looking to motivate, but someone else’s? Charles acknowledged how difficult this can be, and offered that studies suggest the best approach is to explain “why YOU want them to change: how their habits impact your life, or why you are scared what will happen if they don’t change. Show your own vulnerabilities, and it will help them feel safe enough to admit to themselves that something isn’t working.”

I found it incredibly empowering to know that an expert in the field firmly believes that ANY habit can be changed. And it was so heartening to know that it’s better if the process of habit change feels good, not bad. Regarding the role of enjoyment in habit change, Charles had this to say: “Rewards are powerful because we enjoy them. If you berate yourself for enjoying a piece of chocolate or 10 minutes watching television, then you rob a reward of its influence. It’s okay to INDULGE yourself! Go ahead! That’s how you create new habits!”

Further reading and resources:

• Check out the book: The Power of Habit
• A Reader’s Guide to Changing Habits
• E-mail Charles Duhigg at charles@charlesduhigg.com
• Parent Hacks’ Asha’s blog post on habit change and exercise
• More tools for habit change: Habit Labs

“My book is a portable diet coach. It can work with your lifestyle and help you to break the emotional chains which are attaching you to that excess weight,” Kimberly explained.

“I know that with the plan I’m on, it’s definitely a lifestyle change. I also like to call it a weight loss journey,” agreed Stephanie of A Grande Life.

Addressing Food Emotions

“I wondered if any of you have ever been on a diet and found that either you gained the weight straight back on – or that you just couldn’t seem to shift it in the first place?” asked Kimberly. “This happens to most of the people I work with. They know what they need to do – but there are emotional issues, habits and food rules that need to be dealt with.”

“I agree. Emotional. I lost 40 pounds. AHEM. Gained 60. And I wonder why?!?!?! I know why. I eat for comfort. BAD,” replied Joey, Real Mom Media.

The emotions and habits tied to food differ from person to person. In Kimberly’s own experience, “it was understanding the food/mood links. Realising that what I was eating changed the way I felt. For example loads of sugar would give me a buzz then cause my mood and energy to crash. Eating foods that support the feel good chemicals in your brain can really help – like turkey, almonds, bananas, etc.”

Beating the Cravings

Kimberly had a few suggestions for decreasing the intensity of food cravings: “If it’s an emotional craving – rub the area under your nose and above your top lip for a minute or two. This is a soothing acupressure point,” she suggested.

For sugar cravings, “you can try this tip – rub the cartilage at the front of your ear between your thumb and first finger for a minute or two. You will find your craving is much less,” Kimberly added.

Helping Yourself Eat Healthy

“Education and understanding how the food you eat affects you is key,” Kimberly said.

Shanna of Motherhood on the Rocks goes without.  “I have to keep unhealthy foods out of my house. Out of sight, out of mind.”

“Learning more about what I’m putting into my body helps a lot,” added Staci of November Sunflower. “And not depriving myself of anything I really want. I eat clean, but I still enjoy some not so healthy stuff once in a while.”

Avoiding junk food deprivation is important, according to Kimberly Willis. She agreed with Staci, “It’s best never to ban foods. Forbidding a food just makes you think about it more and more – then you have some and feel like you are a failure. Allowing yourself a bit of the food you crave is good, then you can get on with your day!”

Boosting Energy to Avoid Lazy Eating

“You totally need to get rest at night. It’s when your body heals itself,” said Stephanie of A Grande Life.

And many in the group echoed the sentiment expressed by Tammy of Tammy’s Two Cents: “If I am tired or stressed I eat poorly.”

If you feel your energy flagging during the day, “for a quick energy boost, try standing up (if you are not too tired) and marching swinging opposite arms – then change and swing the same arms as legs,” advised Kimberly. “Do this for a couple of minutes and you will boost your energy.”

Staying on Track

Kimberly and the blogger co-hosts provided good general advice.

1) Believe in yourself. “Have you ever thought about your beliefs? Some key beliefs that can cause problems for weight loss are ‘I will always be big’ ‘Diets don’t work for me’ ‘I always gain the weight back,’” Kimberly pointed out.

2) Drink lots of water. “It really helps to fill you up and flush out the toxins,” said Shanna of Motherhood on the Rocks.

3) Mental tools. “I try to think of one thing every day that has or will bring positive change into my life (even if its something silly like new mascara that makes me feel pretty). I also rely on inspirational quotes a lot,” said mommabrown08.

4) The right food. “Lean meats, whole grains, lots of vegetables, low glycemic foods in general,” Becki advised.

5) An exercise that fits your lifestyle. “If I get outside for a walk or go to yoga, I crave healthy foods afterward. If I don’t, my cravings lean toward chocolate and other sweets,” noted Emily of The Motherhood.

At first, my brothers and I didn’t realize what was going on.  Our Mom, a former restaurant reviewer and talented, adventuresome cook, no longer cared about cooking or what she ate.  She complained about feeling low, saying she couldn’t find joy in life.  She started falling, resulting in trips to the emergency room for stitches.  Then, she side-swiped another car and didn’t realize she’d done it, and it started to sink in for us.

Mom has dementia, though seven or eight years in, we still don’t know what kind.  Not Alzheimer’s.  Maybe frontotemporal dementia, maybe not.

Yesterday, the New York Times front page was dominated by a story on frontotemporal dementia A Rare Form of Dementia Tests a Vow of ‘for Better, for Worse’ that is #1 on the most emailed list today.

Frontotemporal dementia, also called frontotemporal degeneration or Pick’s disease, refers to a group of diseases that destroy nerve centers in the frontal and temporal lobes — the home of decision-making, emotion, judgment, behavior and language. Some forms of the disease also cause movement disorders.

… Patients generally receive from one to four misdiagnoses, and it may take years to finally get the right answer. Mistaken diagnoses can include Alzheimer’s disease, stroke, midlife crisis or psychiatric illnesses like depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress or anxiety. Many relatives of patients say doctors dismiss their reports of personality change. But it is real.

Mom has a lot of the personality changes mentioned in the article, and differences too.  Her balance issues are outside the norm for frontotemporal dementia, but difficulties forming word and reading and other symptoms are typical.

Thankfully, Mom is very sweet and loving and still knows who we all are.  I count us lucky that she hasn’t become angry and combative as some people with dementia do.

No one wants to age this way, and we really don’t want to see our parents go through it.

I thought Mom would one day actually write the cookbook that we and her friends have been begging her to publish, and that she would teach my girls how to make some of her favorite dishes.  I thought we would take my daughters on a girls’ trip to California to visit her oodles of family there and would get to travel to far off destinations together.  I thought Mom would get to share her life stories with her grandchildren.

I thought I would have more time with her, the real her.

Mom is a shadow of the mom I remember, but I still have some of her.  I can see how much she loves me when she smiles at me, and I think she knows how much I love her.   She likes looking at photo albums and reminiscing together and hearing about what’s going on in the family, and I like catching her up on the latest and finding ways to tell her how great a Mom she’s been.

This weekend, I opened an old trunk among my mother’s things and found my grandfather’s desk diaries going back decades, to the 1930s.   Grandpa wrote notes about his day-to-day life every day, including everything from courting my grandmother, to my Mom’s birth, all the war years, with newspaper clippings, Mom getting married and my brothers’ and my births.  On my birthday, on July 27th, there’s a note in Grandpa’s beautiful handwriting with my full name and this: “Cable rec’d: Ian and Jimmy announce baby sister.  Six pounds twelve ounces.  Everyone fine.”

I cannot wait to show these to her this week.

______

For those of you are going through similar things with your mom or dad, a grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend, my heart goes out to you and I’m sending love, hugs and understanding.

If you are interested in learning more about the SheCon Expo, taking place May 24-27 in Lake Buena Visita, Fla., you can visit the website.

When you are buying your convention pass, enter the code themotherhood to get yourself 50 percent off!

Today in The Motherhood, we were joined by Otter 501 star Katie Pofahl, and the film’s executive producer, Mark Shelley. They chatted with Holly, Tropic of Mom; Katie, OC Mom Activities; Aracely, Daytripping Mom; Anne, Upstate Ramblings; and Tammy, Tammy’s Two Cents about all things otters.

Read on for a Q&A, and check the Otter 501 Facebook page for a schedule of film screenings.

What is Otter 501 about?

It’s the story of Otter 501, who is abandoned as a pup, rescued and re-released into the wild as an adult. You see her story unfold through the eyes of Katie Pofahl, a zoologist and recent transplant to Monterey from the Midwest, who (in the film) finds Otter 501 on the beach. Katie provides Facebook updates to her friends and family back home about Otter 501, becomes a volunteer at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, learns “otter spotting” and shares insights about nature, otters and conservation throughout.

Katie Pofahl: “We wanted to change the way natural history storytelling is done – too often it is preach-y and didactic.”

Mark Shelley: “I am glad to see the positive references to the ‘storytellers’ of nature films on television. As the executive producer of Otter 501, one of the things I’m most proud of is introducing a new storyteller – a strong, smart, curious, science-loving young lady. We need those role models.”

Why otters? What inspired the making of the film? (Becki)

Katie Pofahl: “Obviously they are SUPER cute…and that’s an easy way to get folks interested in the ocean. But for us, as filmmakers, science geeks and conservationists, otters are the perfect subject because they are fascinating animals to study and watch. They have it all – complex behaviors, social structures, a critical role in their ecosystems, a torrid history of destruction and recovery…it was an easy match!”

Mark Shelley: “We were approached by a volunteer at The Monterey Bay Aquarium who not only fell in love with the otters on exhibit, but saw that visitors from all over and all ages responded in a special way to seeing the otters. He thought a film would reach people not only about otters, but the need for a clean and healthy ocean. We agreed.”

Who is Otter 501 (the otter whose plight the film follows)? How is she doing now? (Katie, OC Mom Activities)

Meet 501 on video here.

Katie Pofahl: “She was found June 2010 when she was only a few days old. So that makes her nearly 2! She was released April of 2011, after she’d spent a lot of time being nursed back to health, paired with a surrogate mom at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. 501 is still in Elkhorn Slough doing well!”

How long did it take to do the filming for the movie? (Anne, Upstate Ramblings)

Mark Shelley: “It took about a year to get the story right, all the permits and agreements in place, then we did the actually filming over about 10 months. We followed little 501 from the day she arrived at the Monterey Bay Aquarium to the day she was released, about 6 months later. And we spent hundreds of hours filming otters in the wild. Couldn’t have been more fun.”

Do you think the film will make its way into the classrooms? (Tammy, Tammy’s Two Cents)

Katie Pofahl: “The film will definitely be available for classroom education. We are cutting a 50 minute version that can be used for just that reason and we will also make it available along with an educator resources guide. That will go up on our website when we’ve got a chance to get it done.”

Will the film be released nationally?

Mark Shelley: “We are hoping that the cities we are opening in now will show that there is an enthusiastic audience for the film. If theater owners see that, we’ll be able to add new cities. Your interest and requests for screenings in your area mean a lot!”

For a list of where and when the film will be released (beginning May 11), check the events section of the Otter 501 Facebook page.

One of the things that struck me the most was learning that the California otter population had gotten down to only 50! And the current population of more than 2,500 has all grown from those original 50. (Katie, OC Mom Activities)

Katie Pofahl: “Otters are considered a federally threatened species. To get them off the endangered species list, the population would need to be over 3K. However, it’s been shown that the CA coast could hold 16K otters. So the question becomes ‘how many otters do we really need?’ I think that we really need to work to restore the sea otter population to a level that will allow them to play the role in their ecosystem they were evolved for. That’s the only way we can have healthy coastal ecosystems with restored structure (kelp forests!) and function (cleaning our air of CO2!) This might mean a far sight more than 3K otters.”

Mark Shelley: “From about the mid-1930′s to today the population has only grown from those 50 to about 2700 today. There are some biological reasons, but there are also some environmental and policy reasons – things we can do to ensure the population continues to grow and return to a healthy number.”

Mark, you mentioned there are some things we can do to ensure that the otter population continues to grow. Could you give us some examples? (Kayla)

Mark Shelley: “Regardless of where you live, all water eventually runs into the ocean. What we put into our watersheds impacts the health not only of the local watershed, but ultimately the ocean. And the otters are telling us that runoff from ag fields and the things we put down our drains and on our lawns is adversely impacting the coastal ocean. So, basically: we all can think about what ends up in our water.”

Last summer, we rented a boat and roamed around the Morro Bay Estuary and we saw dozens of sea otters. I could have watched them for hours. (Aracely, Daytripping Mom)

Mark Shelley: “You were lucky. The otters have only recently made it to Morro Bay– we’re hoping that they’ll make it further south soon. For now there is a restriction keeping otters from going further south. We hope that ban gets lifted by the end of the year.”

Get your fill of cute otter photos in this Facebook album and Pinterest page.