Tween Academy, sponsored by Unilever and Don’t Fret the Sweat, is now in session! On September 20, 2011, moms flocked to the first class on TheMotherhood to share advice and anecdotes for starting the new school year with tweens.
That back-to-school transition can be tough for everyone in the family, but especially for tweens, who are also experiencing emotional and physical changes. That’s why it’s important for your tween to know that you will be there to help them through issues with schoolwork, friends and all the other sweat-inducing moments they might encounter.
Rosalind Wiseman, parenting expert and New York Times bestselling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, led the class with help from six blogger co-hosts. (In addition to counseling real moms through Tween Academy, Rosalind has scheduled upcoming TV appearances with Anderson Cooper and Dr. Phil.)
Moms were thrilled to have a place to discuss the tricky tween years – a topic that hasn’t often been addressed elsewhere. “There is a lot of focus on the teens and toddlers, but tweens is a tough age that deserves more focus,” said Stephanie at And Twins Make 5.
To be part of an ongoing discussion, you can visit Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat
Starting the School Year
“I wanted to start out with what I think are the essentials for any mom with children who are a couple of weeks into the new school year,” Rosalind Wiseman said to kick off the conversation. Here is her advice:
1. 2 cans of foot/shoe odor spray. One for your front door and one for the back. If you’re like me, sometimes when you walk into your house you are assaulted by this really bad smell and it gets you into bad mood. Then you look down to see your children’s shoes. Having a can to spray at those shoes (and worse, socks) really makes me feel better.
2. By the second week of October, all moms should have scheduled a dinner or drinks with their friends as a mom only night out. Mine is scheduled for the 22nd but I have to be out of town working. Rest assured though, my friends will go out and have a good time on my behalf.
3. Pads of paper placed throughout the house so when your child tells you why they didn’t do their homework or why they didn’t deserve to get into trouble you can write down the details of their version of events. This is helpful when you can barely remember what your child said when you try to explain to your spouse or to the teacher later. Bottom line is we have to be informed and it’s too easy to forget what happens in a day.
Helping Tweens Handle Sweat-Inducing Moments
Be encouraging and excited. As your child gets into the swing of the school year, there will be opportunities to make new friends, join a sport or club, and/or start new classes. Talk to your tween about what they are looking forward to most this school year. If they seem a little shy or nervous, find ways to encourage them and help boost their confidence.
Help them juggle the day-to-day stress. Close to 70 percent of 8- to 12-year-olds admit homework is a stressful part of their day, while others have anxiety about classes (42 percent). Help your tween combat these sweat-inducing moments by creating a study space and helping them stay organized.
Dress your tween for success. Sprucing up with a new outfit, taking some extra time for grooming and practicing a nice smile can help your tweens feel more confident as they tackle the school year.
Encouraging Tweens to Self-Advocate in School
“I struggle with my daughter being afraid to use her ‘voice’ at school. She gets very shy and it’s such an opposite trait from her at home persona,” said Stephanie at And Twins Make 5.
Connie at Brain Foggles, whose daughter has similar difficulties speaking up for herself, offered a suggestion: “We are working with her teachers and a counselor. This isn’t a new problem for her. Perhaps bring it up to the guidance counselor?”
Remaining positive and encouraging self-esteem will pay dividends in the long run. To chat more about tweens and building self-esteem, come back for a Tween Academy class on that topic at noon ET on October 11: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62267
Making Friends
Having friends is a big part of social confidence, and for kids transitioning to a new school, finding friends can be difficult – especially for those who are shy or don’t enjoy sports. The group had a few ideas for non-athletic extracurriculars where kids might meet new friends.
Jennifer at Mom Spotted suggested “Boy Scouts, band, swim lessons,” and Liz at Thoughts of a Mommy came up with “The Y, community centers and church.”
Emily at TheMotherhood said, “Maybe a new sport that doesn’t have a competitive side, like rock climbing or fencing? Or are there Middle School clubs he might like? Our school has started a Friday afternoon movie screening to give the kids a chance to watch and talk about it afterward. So far, it seems like a big hit, especially with the shy ones.”
“Our library has a book club for fathers/sons and a chess club and some other activities that are good for kids and gets them out there, but not in a sports/competitive way,” added Brandie.
Aside from making friends, your tweens might also have to navigate the waters of being teased or bullied as an outsider.
Dealing with Mean Girls (and Boys)
Every school has bullies, and it’s tough when your kid is the one being picked on.
“We went through a mean girl phase in 3rd grade – it was just awful. Usually if the mean kids see that it doesn’t bother you, they will stop their teasing. They do it to get a rise out of you. Don’t let them,” suggested temysmom.
Added Connie, Brain Foggles, “And if it gets bad, get the school involved.”
Rosalind Wiseman encouraged moms to ask their child to articulate exactly what the problem is. “Kids needs skills to know how to handle mean kids … depending on the situation, you decide from there what you do. Tell the teacher, she talks to the girl, etc.”
“My daughter just started in a program called ‘Girls on the Run.’ It’s great. It teaches girls respect, teamwork, positive thinking and other good values, while building body confidence as they train to run a 5K,” said Becki. “I think it’s available to girls in 3rd grade and up. If there’s a chapter near you, maybe your daughter could get involved.”
Communication is essential – make sure your tweens know they can come to you with problems. “If it isn’t a social issue causing our kids to be depressed it is grades, looks … there are so many more things that kids have to deal with today,” said Connie at Brain Foggles.
“I think many kids don’t feel they can talk to their parents about school issues… or any issues for that matter. Communication with your tweens is SO important,” said temysmom.
We will be discussing Tweens and Communication in TheMotherhood on October 4 at noon ET as part of our Tween Academy classes: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62266
Rosalind Wiseman created this Anti-Bullying Pledge and an accompanying Facebook page that you can take a look at if you would like to learn more about stopping bullies.
Tweens Online
Bullying and social interaction don’t start and end at school anymore. With Facebook and text messaging, tweens have constant access to their friends and peers, and it is important to encourage them to be responsible and mindful about their communications.
“We are constantly discussing how once a text or FB post is ‘out there’ it is out there’ for good,” said LisaSp11 of conversations with her daughter. “It is a tough lesson to teach, but with constant monitoring and reminding, I think she has been doing a pretty good job of navigating so far.”
And mean girl issues can stretch from real life to the Internet. “My daughter is not on FB but has a twitter and I check her texts. I do try to keep her out of that mean girl, mean talk chatter! It’s tough when friends are trying to pull you in different directions,” said msrachee.
As Kayla S summed it up, “Someday tweens will learn that they bring the drama on sometimes and that they need to change their attitude. It stinks not being able to tell them what to do because you already know, but it’s part of life!”
In addition to learning how to relate to peers and deal with negative situations, both in reality and online, part of life is taking responsibility for their own actions, remembering the work they need to do, and so on.
Staying Organized
When it comes to staying organized, Rosalind Wiseman said, “This is such an important topic because they are right at the age where they need to take on more responsibility for their homework, what they need for the school day, their personal hygiene.”
Rosalind handles her tweens and organization with a few simple steps:
1. Clothes/Appearance: I am washing their clothes but they have to put it away. Yes, it’s a mess (shorts are where shirts are supposed to be) but they have to do it. I am also having them do their laundry with me too. They have to be in clean clothes.
2. If they forget something like the shoes they need for a game, they have a two-limit allowance where I will take these things to school. After that, I will not bring the forgotten item to school.
It’s a tough lesson, but it needs to be taught, others agreed. “In the long run, you have to occasionally refuse to save them. It’s a life lesson that is hard for me to give them but good for them long term,” said Stephanie at And Twins Make 5.
But you can help your kids ease into remembering things on their own. “We use a white board [for reminders]. Actually two – one in the bathroom and one in bedroom. So far, so good,” said Connie at Brain Foggles.
3. Deodorant. I don’t know about you all but my almost 11-year-old is seriously having BO issues. I am putting deodorant next to his toothbrush as a quiet reminder that he has to use it.
A number of parents lamented the fact that it’s so difficult to convince their tweens to take regular showers and wear deodorant. “It’s so tough to get my 13yo son to wear deodorant. I have to remind him often. And I feel for his teachers have to smell all those kids all day!” said Kelly Whalen.
For a more in-depth discussion on tweens and personal hygiene, join us for a Tween Academy class on September 28 at noon ET: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62265
Getting Homework Finished
Homework and time management plays a big part of being organized and taking responsibility in school.
All kids are different when it comes to homework. Some have no trouble buckling down and doing it, and some do everything they can to resist. How to convince the procrastinator to get the work finished?
“There has to be a consequence – [take away] something that matters to her” or him until the work is accomplished, said Jo-Lynne at Musings of a Housewife.
Agreed Theresa at Faith and Family Reviews, “A loss of privilege or extra work can nip this in the bud, especially if you can outlast them … they will eventually ‘get it’ because they don’t want extra work or to lose a privilege.”
And just getting to the end of the assignment isn’t enough – make sure your child has put some brain power into it.
“They rush through it so fast. We recheck and make them go back to things they missed,” said Mary Davis. “No TV, computer ‘til it’s done right.”
“There was a great link on Parent Hacks about a Back to School Contract,” said Cooper at TheMotherhood. “We actually did this and it WORKS!”
Working with Teachers
Teachers are not one-size-fits-all, and sometimes that can pose a problem for your child and your family.
“Last year my son didn’t like his teacher at all. Honestly, we didn’t either, but you just have to try your best to make it work,” said Jennifer at Mom Spotted.
If your child has problems with a teacher, take them seriously, but give the teacher a chance to give his or her side of the issue. “That is the hard part … knowing if the kid is just complaining or the teacher really is being too hard on them,” said temysmom.
“I’ve taught my children to respect their elders and that includes teachers. Now if there’s something terrible going on, they can come to me, but it has to be abuse for me to do something,” said Connie, Brain Foggles.
And when kids don’t like a teacher, Stephanie at And Twins Make 5 has a silver lining: “It’s real life and they need to come to terms with the fact they will quite possibly have future authority figures they don’t love either. (Bosses, coaches, etc.) Learning to deal with it early in life can be a great lesson.”
Remember, teachers that kids perceive as mean might not be the enemy.
“My son thought his science teacher was mean. When I met her, I realized she’s not. But she is strict, and focused on helping the kids learn (as opposed to just do well on standardized tests),” said Becki. “Guess whose class my son is doing best in?”
If your child is having an issue with a teacher, Rosalind Wiseman advised, “You need to meet with the teacher and say, ‘My child came home and told me X; in your opinion is that accurate?’ You can tell the intent of the teacher from how they respond to that question. If they are an abusive teacher they will get defensive and attack your kid, if they have made a mistake they may be a little defensive but they’ll focus their comments on the well being of your child.”
You Are Your Child’s Mom, Not Friend
Liz at Thoughts of a Mommy summed up the one of the most important things to remember when it comes to raising tweens – as much as you might want to be the “cool” parent, it’s more important to be your child’s parent than his or her friend. “My motto, and I’m sure that many of you here think the same way: I am my son’s mother, not friend. He has plenty of friends but only one mom,” she said. “I am here when friends are not. NO MATTER WHAT!”
Thank you!!!
A BIG thanks to Rosalind Wiseman to lending her parenting expertise to our Tween Academy classes, and to Unilever for being our sponsor and making this all possible! Another thank-you to our fabulous blogger co-hosts:
Connie, Brain Foggles
Jennifer, Mom Spotted
Jo-Lynne, Musings of a Housewife
Liz, Thoughts of a Mommy
Stephanie, And Twins make 5!
Theresa, Faith and Family Reviews
Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat
See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62264
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