all is quiet except for the blaring music... the way I like it!

It has been almost a month since my father moved out. While my home is still an explosive mass of clutter, I have dedicated at least one day per weekend to de-clutterization. The other day is reserved for family fun. So far I have accomplished the following: one trip to the zoo, one bbq at the park, a clean garage, three clean closets (threw out a bunch of things we don't ever use and honestly forgot that I had) and have managed to part ways with a lot of things that belonged to my grandmother that NO ONE wanted. (I cried all day going through it and cried as I tossed or donated it) We have also had one case of pneumonia, one case of pink eye and of course the ongoing issue with my youngest son's asthma. It is still insanely loud at my house at times.... but there is very little stress, even less drama and a level of family togetherness we haven't experienced in quite a while.The Houston Rodeo starts next week and I think we'll be going to the livestock show and carnival (with inhaler and nebulizer in hand for the asthma). Moving day is one month out.... I love getting to finally be the mom that has fun with her kids and gets things accomplished vs. being that crazed woman that was always trying to accomplish  things and never having any fun!

What if that activity happened to be one that promoted physical activity and was used on a yearly basis to raise awareness and funds for the American Heart Assocaition? It's time for Jump Rope for Heart. And while the warning is clearly foreboding.... terrifying even; ask yourself this  question: Do you know the warning signs of a heart attack? Do you know the symptoms of a stroke? Did you know that children who are inactive and overweight are at a high risk for strokes? And that caregivers of stroke survivors are 23% more likely to suffer a stroke themselves. Heart disease and stroke are hereditary.... So heed the warning, think long and hard about that little statement and when your child brings home the donation sheet, sit down and talk to them about the dangers of heart disease and the importance of knowing the warning signs.... also, make sure they know how and when to dial 911. You never know... they could save your life, just by having read the pamphlet.

I just got call from the deputy that has been working my child support case. He spotted my ex today. This is by far the biggest break we've had. He was at home. But the deputy, trying to do his job, and do it well, doesn't want to "bust" him at home. He know's he is a repeat offender and that busting him at home will prompt him to move or be more careful next time. But my instinct is to bust him now... we know right this minute where he is, we know he's in that house.... why not grab him. Why not just tackle him and make him pay.... It defies all logic... I mean my anger. I want to do some vigilanty justice. I won't but I want to. Man this is killing me.

What it feels like to know your going to sit in jail for a few days with nothing on but your boxers? Guess I'll ask my ex when I see him in court next week... they just picked him up and are taking him to booking now. He will have $21, 192.38 CASH BOND to get out of jail!

I've spent the last week going over and over the past five years and three months of my life in my head. From the months/days before I got pregnant to now. I could lie and say it's been the best five years of my life. Or, I could tell the truth and say it's been the most difficult thing I have endured.  I was a single mom of two very small children; in the midst of a painful divorce from my on again off again high school sweetheart. The thing Life Time movies are made of. Trust me.... I was lonely; I was exhausted; I was hungry for attention.    I ran into an old boyfriend in a bar..... at first, I had my guard up. He'd already hurt me once. The kind of hurt that sticks with you, makes you cry in the middle of the night years later and wonder what in the hell you did to make it this bad.... He was so apologetic. He was so understanding of what he had done wrong, he was so ready now, where he hadn't been before. Ready for what, I don't know....now. Fast forward six months..... a stomach virus that wouldn't go away. I should have known. I'd done it twice before. It took six pregnancy tests to convince me. Mr. Right Now had already pretty much disappeared. He'd gone out of town for work. On the day I told him I was pregnant, I was driving through a tunnel and secretly hoped he hadn't heard me... then he said... are you sure; what do you want me to do? I don't know... I just thought I should tell you. I think I'd already made up my mind. I'd known for at least two days.  He went with me to the doctor the first time. Heard the heart beat and we cried in the parking lot together. Myself wondering how I could/would do it , and from what he said that day, he wondering how he could learn to be a father.    I held my infant and toddler and cried for three days. And then the proposal.... I knew it was contrived. I knew it, I knew with every fiber of my being that it would never work. But I was scared. Terrified. Being the mother of two was scary enough. Having three, well, I just wasn't sure I could do it alone. As much as I didn’t want to be,  I knew I would be. POOF.... GONE! On the day we were supposed to move in together. His phone turned off, his job receiving notice..... VANISHED... my worst nightmare in an instant went from what are we having for dinner to WTF.... So, I hoped and I prayed that some day he'd come to his senses... I went through my pregnancy. I took care of my babies. Lied to my ex in laws as long as I could. I cried myself to sleep every night. Praying that it would happen before I gave birth. I could deal with the fact that he didn't want me. I have always been ok with that. I just couldn't imagine how you could know you had a child on the way and not want to be a part of it. But I continued to make excuses. The epitomy of pathetic...   Fast forward again..... My job was pissed because I was pregnant. I had to schedule my delivery. I worked until 3 am the night before, was only allowed four weeks of maternity leave, and had to borrow money to pay daycare. At 7:40 pm on Oct. 1, 2005 I gave birth to a perfect little boy. A bittersweet moment. I had tried every way I could think of to get in touch with his 'father' and let him know it was happening. I had contemplated adoption, my brother and his wife were trying to concieve and couldn't..... a fleeting thought... One look into those eyes and I knew..... No matter how hard it got, No matter how hard we had to fight, No matter how frightening it became.... the four of us would do it together. I have seen his father four times in the past five years. Always in court, always fighting for child support. He's always got some poor me sob story to tell. Not that I feel sorry for myself. In fact, I KNOW that five years ago, I made the right decision for me and for my children. I sometimes wonder if this battle I am fighting is worth it. I know his "dad" will never be a dad. I realized a long time ago that it is better that he isn't. I wonder if fighting for child support even though I knew he'd never be there, and truly didn't want a child is right.... Of course this stems from the fact that the "dad" has been sitting in jail for a week now for not paying that child support and he’s sitting on a $21,192.69 cash bond.   Some people think it’s that I am being vindictive. Some think I’m angry…. Maybe they are a little bit right. But I look at this face every day and wonder…. HOW can you not want to know him.                        

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headed back to court tomorrow.... and after this week, I am honestly terrified of what will happen. I am TERRIFIED.....That doesn't happen to me very often. He's managed to lie and cheat and plead (with lies) his way out of being responsible for five years now..... and everyone believes him. No amount of anger, no amount of pain, no amount of meanness can help at this point.... I don't know what to do.

I am on the verge of something that could change lives. After seeing my ex more in the last week than I have in the last five years, he mentioned again that he wants to see his son. I have dreamt of this moment for five years. I know that my son has questions, even at his young age. The ex is supposed to call me some time this week to set something up. The brief moments we had at the court house were not the place to explain to my little guy who he was. I am not sure how to introduce them, although for the time being, I think the best thing is to just introduce him by his first name and give no details. That way if he doesn't continue the visits there's no real damage done. No more so than has been done by his massive absence, right? How will it go down, how will my son react to meeting this man who he looks so much like. Well, they've met now; sort of. How will the elder treat him when there aren't a gaggle of people around and it's just us. How can I gain control of this situation (being the major control freak that I am); how can I maintain control of the situation once it has begun. Of course, the most important objective in all of this is that my little guy doesn't get hurt, and that hopefully, he develop a relationship with someone he deserves to know. NOT my control issues. So he says he wants to see his son. I just keep telling myself this is a good thing. I keep praying that if I put it in God's hands, the right things will come about and the best outcome will be that everyone is happy.

NO CALL YET, SHOULD I BE UPSET? If it were me....I'd have called that day. But I am a mom... and I love that kid....

moving day is upon me.... tomorrow. Been packing and purging for a month now.... still not ready! Lord Help ME!!!!

::waving hi:: How's the move going? How are your friends doing? Thinking of you!

I'mmmmmmmmmm back!!!!!! FINALLY got my computer up and running at home. Now to learn Windows Seven and the NEW and Improved Motherhood!!!! How've ya'll been?

WOW..... I don't even know where to begin. I finally got a doctor to listen to me about my youngest son (4 1/2 years old). After a lot of waiting we met with the pshychiatrist this morning. After an hour she tells me that she doesn't think he has aspergers, but that he has bipolar disorder, a sensory sensitvity disorder and ADHD. She wants to put him on respidol (sp). I was so taken aback that I couldn 't respond. I opted not to medicate him immediately, because I wanted to do some research on the disorder and the medication. To be honest, all the symptoms pointed towards aspergers, and I didn't even think of bipolar disorder so of course I didn't do any research. (although I don't know why, we have a pretty strong family hiistory of it). I have spent the afternoon trying to find information on child hood bipolar and there is hardly anything out there. Especially for a FOUR YEAR OLD. I don't know how after 45 minutes she can diagnose this... I was expecting weeks of testing and possible therapy. Instead I get told that my son needs antipsychotics at such a young age. She thinks that based on what I told her, he may have been this way all of his life. Any one got any advice?

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I've been on here. So much has been going on. Exactly a year (and two days) ago I met my now husband. It was a whirlwind romance. We met in June and got married in September. While NORMALLY anyone would agree that it's crazy to have done such a thing, this man has been a blessing in so many ways to all of our lives. My husband had never been married and had no children of his own going into this marriage and now, he's practicallly a stay at home dad. He works from home for the summer. He owns his own business so he can do what ever he wants :). As for my son, well, the journey continues. The psychiatrist I took him to last summer was a quack! Turns out he has Sensory Integration Disorder and is on the Autism Spectrum. I knew my instincts were correct. We are now on the waiting list (a lengthy one) to get into the Myer Center @ Texas Children's Hospital and he's been in Occupational Therapy for eight months. We've seen so many improvements, but we have a long road ahead of us. Once we can finally get the official diagnosis, I will start to relax or will dive in feet first. Knowing me, I'll dive. As for his sperm donor. He saw him ONE TIME! He called the day before court and wanted to meet him, they spent 30 minutes to gether and he's never called back. As sad as that is, two weeks later is when I met my husband. From Day one he has claimed all three of my children as "his" and gets really upset when I say "my kids". Anyway. I know there is a lot to catch up on, and I really need to get back in the swing of writing again. What's everyone been up to?

Over the last year there have been so many changes in my life. I have gone from an always stressed, always on edge, constant worrier to the mom I've always wanted to and knew I could be. Of course, I still have my moments, but now... I know I have someone who always has my back. Who knew it could be THAT simple? I've gone from navigating the ever changing life of a single mother to navigating the trials of a blended family. From me to we; my to our. It's tougher than it sounds, trust me. My husband ( I do LOVE saying that word) had never been married and had no children of his own when we met. So, of course I was terrified that he'd run screaming once he got to know the BAD. Instead he fell in love with all four of us. I still have that fear. We've not even been married a year yet. There are days, when he needs his space, and I think "is he coming back?" I know I have to get over that or run the risk of pushing him away. What I didn't realize, was that letting go of some of that control was going to be so dificult. There are days when I don't want him to be the disciplinarian or the one that the kids run to for hugs and kisses when they have a boo-boo. I think to myself "How did I become the 'other parent' "? It was an overnight transition that no one expected. Am I the only one having a hard time adjusting to sharing? Why do I get these little tinges of jealousy when our daughter cuddles up to him on the couch instead of me? Why do I feel like crying when our son wants dad to look at his newest rock find? Why do I feel like throwing in the towel when I've tried over and over again to get our oldest son to turn off the video game and he instantly does it when my husband asks on the first try? And for heaven's sake, WHY is the pediatrician calling him back when I call them with a question about Aspergers or ADHD or ear infections or allergies? HOW did they get HIS number? Don't get me wrong, I have enormous respect for my husband (giggles like a school girl). His entire world has changed, more so than ours. He has "lost" his freedom, his ability to come and go as he pleases and he's lost his income, so to speak. He no longer has the privelge of stopping at the drive thru for dinner or purchasing that two hundred dollar what not just because he can. He's a family man now and has responsibilites other than to himself. He's taken it all in stride and never complains. He's even given up his summer to be a stay at home dad. For that he deserves so much more than just my respect and love. He deserves Father of the Year, the Decade, the Milenia. He deserves the respect of his father, and his brother. He deserves a Medal of Honor. Lots of extra loving, hugs and kisses (from me and the kids). He deserves those cuddles and the respect he gets from the BAD. So while I navigate the ins and outs of sharing my, I mean, OUR children with the man of my dreams, I'll learn to deal it and I'll revel in the love and affection that he showers upon me and the kids. I'll learn to get over it and I think I need to teach myself how to just be happy.