http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/02/fleeting-moments-of-hormone-laced.html It's that time again, yes, everyone around me is either having a baby or anticipating trying to have a baby. I know, didn't I just post about this? Anyways,there are two things that I have come to know as my truths..they may even be universal. The first is that apparently I am still on the fence about a third child because no matter how many times I tell myself, I am done and I want to move on with my life, every single time one of my friends or relatives tells me they are pregnant, trying to get pregnant or has a baby I get just the tiniest pang of ,"Oooh, I want one." My cousin just had one, and she is absolutely adorable in every way ,shape and form and , at the mere glimpse of her photo, I am magically transported out of the house of the screaming preschoolers, the biting toddler, the bizarro world where I find myself being sarcastic to children back to that first moment of their first breaths..where the entire world was magical and wonderful and unicorns lived, etc. Imagine what would happen to me if I were to be in the same room with this little blessing, I could quite possibly lose it and ravish my husband in the instant like a rabid dog trying to consummate and obtain the fruit of his loins.Seriously, I could not be trusted that close to a brand new baby. Is it just me? Or is this a pretty common scenario for Mid thirties Mommies with 2 already? I just about can't handle it anymore. I feel like I am crazy. I know on Tuesday that there is no way I want to do this whole ordeal again ( well, to be honest.. I know that I don't want to intentionally do this again. I think this is my way of not accepting responsibility if the next one were not perfect or I found myself ready to pull my hair out in the middle of some random 3 am awakening. Then what?Who would I blame?) but by Wednesday I find myself day dreaming at the possibility. I don't know how this is going to come out but I think I need to be protected from myself:) I don't think I have to worry too much, seeing as my husband is on "hell nah" patrol and he will be working out of town a lot soon.

OK, Truthful Tuesdays....Today, I'd like to confess that I wish my 4 year old, who has just learned to whistle, would stop whistling! It is incessant and relentless! I, also, wish that my 2 year old would stop asking me, "Why?" about absolutely everything!!!Argh!!! And I am peeved that, though I know we are fortunate, I hate the idea of my husband being "out of town" for 3/4 of the week for his new job. I can't tell him or anyone else because I would seem like an unselfish wretch...but I can tell you girls anything! Happy Tuesday!

http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/02/no-nap-late-night-meltdowns.html My oldest is about to be 5 (sniff sniff) and she is at the age where she is starting to really refuse her naps. I know, some of you are saying to yourself, "What? Her kid still takes naps? Lucky bitch, she should be happy its lasted this long." Well, its lasted this long because she is still tired in the afternoon, ergo I make her take a nap. Now, I know there are those of us who have taken away the nap in order to have some quiet time in the evening. I am all for that, if your child is not needing a nap anymore but that is not the case in my house. No, my children need naps like most people need air...for survival. But there are those days when they fight me on the nap, those days when they want to stay up and not miss a thing! On those days, I sometimes give in...to my four year old. Of course, absolutely everything my four year old does..my two year old feels she is also entitled to. I am absolutely, without a doubt, against this behavior none the less it has happened on occasion.That being said, yesterday was one of "those" occasions. I knew when it happened it was a bad idea but they were begging, we were out and running late getting home,things needed to be done and I gave in. Soon, it was 6:30 and ,in no uncertain terms, time for bed...so we thought.The four year old went on and on about how I don't love her, and I don't care about her. This is all compounded by complete hysterics. I can't even get a word in edge wise. I try to console her, I know its the over tiredness talking. I've seen this before. But she keeps on going," You don't love me. You only love her. I hate her.(her being her little sister). " The little one, sensing the meaning of her sister's unkind words, decides she will physically attack. I believe there was some face grabbing, and perhaps a bite was exchanged. I'm trying to hold it together. I stay calm, try to placate both girls. I just know if I can get them still for 5 minutes...they will fall fast asleep. This continues for 45 minutes. I am at my wits end. It ended up, my husband, myself and both daughters in our king size bed; apparently it was the only way to prove that I loved them equally. After all the tears and drama, there are two things I am certain of 1, my four year old certainly still needs naps. I don't care what anybody says. If they want to argue, I'll let her miss her nap and then send her to their house around 7 pm.Take that, judgy Mommies:)2)No matter how sweet and lovable my kids are during the day, no matter the promises they make about going to bed without a fight if allowed to miss their nap...NEVER, EVER BELIEVE THEM! They are crazy little liars who can't be trusted and it is my job to know better! No Nap , late night meltdowns are our own faults...nap responsibly!

http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/02/this-mommy-brain-is-gonna-kill-someone.html OK, so just now it came to my attention ,as I actually have 5 minutes to think, that I have not shaved my legs for 3 days because I dropped my Gillette and it shattered into a thousand little pieces.By the way,just a little secret, a Hispanic girl cannot be running around town with no razor because you know what that means...there's a damn hairy woman on the loose! I'm not being funny. The reason I had no razor, well because I ALWAYS completely forget about what I need from the store because I am trying to remember what everyone else needs..cause I'm a Mom or I have my two little ankle biters (more like hip biters they are getting so tall) in tow.Of course, when they are with me, I am on complete autopilot to my surroundings, except where it concerns their well being. Yeah, don't make the mistake of trying to talk to me when I'm with them.You will seriously walk away thinking," That poor "special" Mom, all alone with those kids!" Anyways,so sidetracked, damn Mommy brian brain! The hairy legs got me thinking, this whole "mommy brain syndrome" it could really be dangerous, even more so than me being mistaken for a Sasquatch and being shot by a hunter. Here is a brief list of some (just some) of the things that have endangered my family and myself; washing hands while drying hair ~brushing teeth with diaper cream ~ mistaking my exfoliating mud mask for moisturizer ~ mindlessly plucking gray hairs (can you say bald spot)~ not being able to remember if you took your much needed back medicine, so taking it again( getting really relaxed and pretty useless ..woohoo)~driving while watching the kids in the rear view mirror, as if you can actually stop the cat fight that is going on between a 2 & 4 year old by sheer mind control~ leaving the house forgetting to turn off the iron, flat iron, running water~ forgetting to lock any and all doors when going on a weekend trip (shhhh, don't tell my husband)~ going out to get the mail in your pjs..only to be locked outside by a 2 year old who doesn't know how to unlock the door in 20 degree weather ~ same 2 year old locking you out of running car~ forgetting to put a bra on in mad dash to return movies before incurring the late fee~ forgetting to brush your teeth (sorry people)~ forgetting to stand back away from it all, breathe in, exhale and love those crazy little babies for who they are in all their nerve wrecking glory! There is so many more instances of my Mommy brain but if I told you..well, you know what I'd have to do:) Please keep an eye on all of your Mommy friends and let them know there are groups for all of us Mommies with Mommy Brain Syndrome..they are called friends and we can all use a few more and support one another through these trying and dangerous times. Please be safe and Mommy Brain responsibly.Happy Mothering! Whew, thank God the kids are in bed...Mama needs a pometini!Rehashing all the dangers of my Mommy brain has caused me to have a thirst.

http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/03/adhd-mommy-specific.html I am having a WTH is going on here day. It has come to my attention, apparently when you have a moment..you realize a lot of not necessarily caring to know information, that I have developed a very peculiar way of cleaning my house. Remember the good old day when you could spend all day cleaning out your closets?Ahh, and when it was done there was sense of accomplishment and pride? Remember? You remember....think hard. Now, it has taken me a month to unpack from a relocation..a month and I am still unpacking. It probably has something to do with what I have noticed myself doing. Every time I say I am going to clean the house, I pick a room(say the bedroom), get started, decide to go to another room for whatever reason (lets say the kitchen to get some coffee),then I am cleaning the kitchen. Next, I hit the bathroom to tinkle from my coffee and (you guessed) get sidetracked and start cleaning the bathroom. Now, have I mentioned that I am moving on without completing a single room and seldom do I even realize what I am doing this until I wander back into the previous room and see my mess that I left behind (i.e mop laying out, vacuum in middle of room, clothes in washer that haven't made it to the dryer in three days, or perhaps, loaded dishwasher that I forgot to run until I run out of silverware and sippy cups!)You see my problem? I am convinced I have some type of "used uterus" type specific form of ADHD!!!! That has to be it, or I am completely and randomly insane.Anybody else experienced this? If so, is there a group or a special kind of medication that I should be on to remedy this situation? I am getting a little worried for myself:) I mean what if I get sidetracked by a phone call or a doorbell and forget where I put the kids?

http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/03/damn-you-bree-van-de-kamp.html Anyone who has ever read my blog knows that I am a super advocate of sisterhood. I think that cat fights between women are ridiculous and that if we all spent a lot more time being real and supporting each other, life would be so much better for all of us. Why does it always have to be a competition? My kid does this, does  yours? My husband makes this much money, what does yours make? My house is bigger than yours. It truly is a pissing contest for women! I can keep the house immaculate, my kids listen to everything I say, sleep in their own beds, go to bed at a reasonable hour with no drama, they are reading at a 5th grade level @ the age of four, I eat but can not gain weight, my husband just keeps getting better looking, and my kids are absolute perfection, did I mention they eat absolutely everything I put in front of them. The laundry seems to do itself, I love to cook gourmet meals for every meal, I am completely organic, I made all the baby food and my babies only wore cloth diapers and drank organic, non tainted by caffeine or alcohol breasts milk. P.S. My shit doesn't stink! I live in a mansion on the corner of bliss and perfection...or was that delusional and insanity?  And you? OK, Bree friggin Van de Kamp...you are not real, you are some convoluted conjuring of what some crazy tv exec thought real life is...not even in the 1950's, my brother sister!If we'd stop trying to make the other Mommies think we have it all under control without even breaking a sweat, maybe, just maybe we'd have some back up in the trenches instead of one more enemy trying to kill our spirits and crush our souls! So, as if that is not bad enough, that we are all running around lying to each other about how perfect and easy our lives are, we are inadvertently (or maybe purposefully) making other women (Mommies ,specifically) feel like they are losers because they don't think life is easy or perfect and neither are their kids and their husband. I mean ,myself,  I've actually winced at the prospect of having to go to the grocery store, been brought to tears trying to figure out what the hell to wear out in public to drop my kids off at some class or other, the dishes make me want to kill someone ( actually just myself..I truly hate dishes!I am not above existing on paper products!), my girls still miraculously end up in our bed in the middle of the night, I have actually been reduced to feeding them cereal for dinner (only once..I promise)....though, I must confess, my kids are pretty perfect....to me! All kids are perfect to their parents! My point is my fellow desperate housewives, we would not all be so damn desperate if we could all just get along! Next time you feel overcome with the need to blow crazy smoke up your own ass, in a coffee induced fog of meanness,  Please remember that Mommy that you are making feel 2 inches tall would probably serve you better as a cheerleader than as a doormat! PSA: Please be kind to your fellow Mommies! She is not your enemy, she is your sister, your friend, your confidant, your tether to sanity!

http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/03/too-boobies-or-not-to-bear-boobies-that.html http://www.amazon.com/Womanly-Art-Breastfeeding-Seventh-International/dp/0452285801?ie=UTF8&tag=the08ee-20&link_code=bil&camp=213689&creative=392969 Well, its been quite awhile since I have been in the situation of breast feeding, with mine now being the ripe old ages of 2 and 5 (and a week,sniff, sniff), but I am totally all for boobie bagging it. I mean , it was by far one of the most intimate experiences I have ever had the privilege of sharing with another human being. Looking down into the eyes of your precious little ones face, as you sustain their life is monumental. The look of love and gratitude; it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Sure, I get the same look from my husband when he's down there but let's face it; I'm not sustaining his life:)  Anyways, I was one of those poor unfortunates who, try as they may, the boobies just didn't function properly. They have always been big and beautiful (thanks Mom) but apparently pretty useless when I actually needed them. So, it was SNS (supplemental nursing system) from the get go. Oh, what? You are not familiar with this term? Lucky you! It is a wonderful medieval contraption that you hang from your neck,   it holds formula in a container..that is exerted from a small tube that is taped to your nipple ( hoping to supplement what your poor under functioning, handicapped boobies can't produce) and if you are super lucky (as I was) you can add to the mix a nipple guard!Sweet! Lovely, right? P.S. The nipple guard is not a little guy  in a fuzzy hat who guards the nipple, its a pliable plastic covering to help draw the nipple out. My poor little boobies, they had such a complex; they figured they couldn't come to play , so they were trying to hide on the bench. I have a friend of mine, who never even attempted to breast feed (because according to her, "those" were for fun not function) and here I am bargaining with the devil and praying to Jesus to let me produce enough milk to feed my starving child and , it just never came to fruition. I gave it the old college try, I took the fenugreek, the mothers milk tea, I tried everything possible to stimulate breast milk production but I could never fly solo, I always had to use that damn SNS! So, both girls got breastfed for about 6 weeks. I'm sorry, who was I fooling. The embarrassment and sheer horror of that SNS (it still gives me nightmares to think about harnessing myself into that thing) and only producing maybe 1/2 to 1 ounce when my kid was eating 4 -6 oz, was too much. So, I never had to decide whether or not to breastfeed in public (because anyone who knows me, knows that I am such a hypochondriac when it comes to my babies that they don't go out into the general public until after 6 weeks). So, I am not trying to be judgy. When I see a Mommy feeding her baby, first I feel "awww" ,then that is followed by a little uncomfortableness, then " what a tender , sweet Mommy/baby moment". Generally, I think it is beautiful. Personally, I never did it outside the house but that was just my situation ( because the time of breastfeeding coincided with the 6 week waiting period of taking my newborns out into general population ....cause I am a lil crazy like that). Anyways, today I take my 2 and 5 year old to toddler story time @ the local library. We are sitting there and I notice a couple of the Mommies have some newborns (awwww, moment) . Mommy A 's 3 month old girl is getting that fussy, hungry cry going. Mommy promptly pulls out  what looks like an apron and there goes the baby, under the apron, suckling to her hearts desire as Mommy watches on as her 4 year old little boy participates in story time. Way to go Mommy, she was on the ball. Directly next to her, I notice a little girl around the age of 4 assuming the position in her Mommy's lap. What? I think, a little regression perhaps. You know seeing the baby next to her go under the apron. She's no fool , she knew what was going on under there. Then the 4 year old sticks her hand in her Mom's(Mommy B) shirt and is fondling her. I am like, WTH is going to happen here? It  felt like I was witnessing snuff. Then, this woman, whipped it out and this little girl took a hit..like a shot of whiskey from a shot glass.WTF??? Seriously, I swear I am not against breastfeeding. In fact, I am a little envious of those Mommies with aprons..that means,God bless em, their parts are functioning correctly. But there has always been something creepy to me about a child old enough to be drinking out of a regular cup (past the sippy cup age), who can say "Give me a hit off the old teet mom!" Or anyone old enough to spell boobies, draw boobies, or talk about the experience still actually feeding off the breast. I don't think a kid who can unbutton your shirt and  wipe their own ass should still be breastfeeding. I mean, unless there is some weird disease and that is the only thing the kid can eat to survive...then I think its a little creepy and a little sad. So, my question to you is..am I wrong to be creeped out by this? Am I just out of the loop because of my own shortcomings? Would I feel differently if I had the ability to sufficiently breastfeed my own kids? I don't think so but then again , I guess we'll never know. All I know is I left the library today feeling just a little bit violated and dirty. I wasn't staring , and didn't see any actual boobies..but the kid was wiping her mouth and sporting an "ahhh" ( you know that sound you make when you've been running and you take a long cold swig of ice water? Yeah, that's the sound.) I'm now sufficiently terrified to go to story time again; I may be off the library entirely.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9uZoyBGwKCM/S6d2dO_XTpI/AAAAAAAAAE8/ycFMmzOs6rs/s1600-h/preschool+open+house+1st+day+of+preschool+066.JPG I just dropped Bella off at kindergarten roundup/2 hour orientation at our churches school. I know she is in good hands. I know its only for two hours. I know she loves it. But just like the first day of preschool, she had on her "nervous" face. My girl is a very brave, get through anything kinda little girl. Don't get me wrong, this girl can whine with the best of them but when its something important..she knows. She sucks it right up and carries on. No tears, no argument, no tantrum. She is amazing. Anyone, who has a child, knows that as happy as our child's true smile in the face of happiness can make us feel, is how equally terrible our child's "nervous" face can make us feel. We want to make everything easy and safe for our child, but like most milestones/firsts in our child's life, we can't protect them from everything. Some things they simply have to work through. Like when they were learning to walk and would fall, or when they were learning that fire was hot and decided to touch the glass front of the fireplace. We can try and warn prepare them or make the house safe but we can't stop everything , short of placing them inside of a bubble of love with no contact with the outside world.I think the safest place for them would be to just hang out in the womb until they were around 25. Of course, that could make life a little uncomfortable for us Mommies. This morning went a little smoother than I expected. Her little sister didn't go full on crazy, when we dropped her off. Remember the first day of preschool incident? Gabs dropping to her knees and screaming "Bella..My Bella" it sounded a lot like Brando's "Stella". It was heartbreaking.In the end, it was what caused my inappropriate breakdown in the middle of the grocery store ( at least I was out of sight of Bella). Today, Gabs in her infinite maturity looked at me and said, "Mommy, where Bella be? Why she not come with us" To which I answered, " She has to stay at school for a couple hours to meet her new teacher." I was waiting for the drama. I was all ready to do the scoop and run quick exit of the building. Surprisingly, Gabs nonchalantly says, "OK, Mommy!Me love Bella!"What? Was I the only one having the slight breakdown. Apparently, Gabs has matured beyond my years in the past 7 months. Well, I wasn't the only one...all the other Mommies and most of the Daddies, left with overflowing eyes. It got me thinking. I did this last year for preschool,the first day of children's liturgy, now for roundup. I'm sure for the first day of 1/2 day Kindergarten and then again for full day 1st grade. When does this pain go away? Seriously, its like every time I turn around a little piece of my heart is being ripped from my chest. Its completely awful.I thought my heart being broken days were over when I got married. Why is it no one told me that I'd fall more deeply in love with my children than any man I had ever known? Probably the same reason no one told me how bad labor actually was, I wouldn't have believed me if they did. The pain of labor, wow..that takes me back. Who knew that was just the beginning of the pain but at least that was tolerable because there was an end in sight. All they are doing is growing up, becoming more independent ( as I want them to be. I want them to realize as much as their potential as is possible) but it breaks my friggin heart on a daily basis. What they don't tell you in the parenting manual is that from the moment these little heart breakers exit the womb, you spend every day having to let go, just a little. I think its nature/God's way of preparing us parents for the big exodus to college at the age of 18. If we didn't start letting go in small dose at the age of 3, we'd never be able to survive when they left for college. It's not fair. Thank God with that comes the ability to love with no bounds and to have that love returned to you , every single second of every single day. My baby's can keep taking pieces of my heart because just like it grew to accommodate each new child, there is an infinite amount of times it will regenerate to supply a lifetime of love for them both. So, take it....take another little piece of my heart now baby!

http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-so-called-leisurely-life.html I'm flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch on television, after all, it is the first time I've sat down all day and I need to decompress. One daughter's in bed and the other one is all ready to hop in my lap and hold me hostage for a couple hours until she drifts off into lala land. I happen upon  Dr. Phil. Imagine my intrigue when I hear the topic is a study done by a Dr. John Robinson of the University of Maryland ( you'll want to remember this name, take note).His study has found that  Mommies have 30-40 hours of leisure time per week. Holy shit batman, did you all know this? What am I doing wrong? I mean obviously I am doing something wrong, because at 8 pm tonight was the first time I had sat down all day...and I'm sick. Then he went on to explain. Apparently, root canals, being stuck in traffic, probably the time you spend changing your spat up on and peed and pooped on clothes, the time  you spend asking the same question 30 times of your 3 year old, the time you spend trying to talk on the phone, make breakfast, and do laundry all at the same time..that all counts as leisure time. According to him, we are working more at home than men but we don't get paid so  its considered "leisure" time. Talk about adding insult to injury! I don't know about you but my idea of "leisure" is sitting on a beach somewhere, reading a book with nothing but the sounds of the sea gulls flying overhead, the smell of the beach in my nose,and a beverage with an umbrella in my other hand. That's leisure. What I do every day is definitely not leisure.Working tirelessly from 6 am in the morning until around 2 am every night of the following  day, leaves me with about 4 hours of very interrupted sleep. Is that suppose to be my leisure time? If it is, I am getting ripped off because I am only getting in 28 hours. By his definition, the two hours I just sat in the chair trying to argue my 2 year old to sleep is considered leisure time. I find that amazing because to me that felt more like jail time!

Pregnancy~The Top Ten Things Not Even Your Mama Tells you There are books a million about what you are supposed to do while pregnant. But there is so much information that is withheld from all of the books.It's like a really cruel game and we all just like to watch the new person learn as they go. But not me,I'll tell you what your mama won't. Pregnant women; your smelling powers will become so heightened that you will be able to smell a cookie baking 30 miles away.Unfortunately, no one ever tell you that you will also be able to smell food burning in a wok in China, body odor from a homeless man laying out in the sun wearing his winter parka on a 100 degree day,your husband's dirty socks downstairs and dog shit from the humane society on the other side of town. Pregnancy~Top ten things not even your mama told you Photo courtesy of Google Mama; your morning sickness will actually be all day sickness; culminating in an all out, earth shattering, mind breaking alternating marathon of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting brought on by whatever may have happened to blow your direction that day.The White Castle burger that you had to have yesterday can quickly become the catalyst for simultaneous mass exodus of the bodily fluid kind. Thank God nothing like this happens on the birthing table. Mom; your skin will become so dry from hormones that your feet will itch to the point that you will literally rip flesh to quench the itch. That no amount of hydration, moisturizing or wishful thinking and praying will EVER bring your feet back from the grasp of the dry Sahara hell that is the new status quo of your feet. Mommy; The Linea Nigra is actually a landing strip so your husband can find his way back into the pregnant promised land, because, let's face it, there comes time in pregnancy where those "vivid" dreams and our own devices are all we are left with. A little point in the right direction never hurt anybody. Mother; your once beautiful and pert bosoms, will be replaced with over indulged,filled to capacity milk bags with what looks like a road map made of bulging blue veins. And that your sweet little pinky tip, glass cutting nipples will be replaced with flat saucers that look like a bulls-eye..and will NEVER revert back to their previous glory ( without the help of surgery). Mum; your labia will become so engorged with blood, that when you give birth your nether regions will look like Goldie Hawn's over injected collagen fish mouth in the First Wive's Club. Mami; the same outrageous hormonal highs and lows that make you smack a random passer by for looking at your baby bump will be the very same that make you cry when fly lands on your shoulder. Momma; you may have flatulence of the skunk killing kind. So horribly pungent and uncontrollable that you may get yourself barred from any women's functions that you previously belonged to. The Junior League does not appreciate those sorts of donations. Ma; your pregnancy glow is actually increased blood flow causing you to sweat like a fat whore in church. And that the increased hormones that cause the glow also bring with it increased susceptibility to acne (of the face, back & ass variety), increased cervical fluid ( the kind that could cause an unsuspecting pregnant woman to slip right off her stool if she weren't wearing her appropriated parachute pregnancy panties), hair growth in unsuspecting parts ( bearded lady , anyone?), and constipation ( talk about insult to injury) Mumsy; all the meticulous and copious amounts of time that you have spent over the years "landscaping" probably the very source of your pregnancy will become, at 9 months pregnant , non existent. That which once resembled the topiary of the Tuileries will no be more akin to an abandoned outhouse.And we all say that we are going to make our husbands shave us...and none of us actually ever do. There are more, many more, but I feel I have scared the first time mothers sufficiently for now.Happy procreating and remember, there is a 98% chance that you will vomit and or poop on the birthing table. Pregnancy~The Top Ten Things Not Even Your Mama Tells you There are books a million about what you are supposed to do while pregnant. But there is so much information that is withheld from all of the books.It's like a really cruel game and we all just like to watch the new person learn as they go. But not me,I'll tell you what your mama won't. Pregnant women; your smelling powers will become so heightened that you will be able to smell a cookie baking 30 miles away.Unfortunately, no one ever tell you that you will also be able to smell food burning in a wok in China, body odor from a homeless man laying out in the sun wearing his winter parka on a 100 degree day,your husband's dirty socks downstairs and dog shit from the humane society on the other side of town. Pregnancy~Top ten things not even your mama told you Photo courtesy of Google Mama; your morning sickness will actually be all day sickness; culminating in an all out, earth shattering, mind breaking alternating marathon of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting brought on by whatever may have happened to blow your direction that day.The White Castle burger that you had to have yesterday can quickly become the catalyst for simultaneous mass exodus of the bodily fluid kind. Thank God nothing like this happens on the birthing table. Mom; your skin will become so dry from hormones that your feet will itch to the point that you will literally rip flesh to quench the itch. That no amount of hydration, moisturizing or wishful thinking and praying will EVER bring your feet back from the grasp of the dry Sahara hell that is the new status quo of your feet. Mommy; The Linea Nigra is actually a landing strip so your husband can find his way back into the pregnant promised land, because, let's face it, there comes time in pregnancy where those "vivid" dreams and our own devices are all we are left with. A little point in the right direction never hurt anybody. Mother; your once beautiful and pert bosoms, will be replaced with over indulged,filled to capacity milk bags with what looks like a road map made of bulging blue veins. And that your sweet little pinky tip, glass cutting nipples will be replaced with flat saucers that look like a bulls-eye..and will NEVER revert back to their previous glory ( without the help of surgery). Mum; your labia will become so engorged with blood, that when you give birth your nether regions will look like Goldie Hawn's over injected collagen fish mouth in the First Wive's Club. Mami; the same outrageous hormonal highs and lows that make you smack a random passer by for looking at your baby bump will be the very same that make you cry when fly lands on your shoulder. Momma; you may have flatulence of the skunk killing kind. So horribly pungent and uncontrollable that you may get yourself barred from any women's functions that you previously belonged to. The Junior League does not appreciate those sorts of donations. Ma; your pregnancy glow is actually increased blood flow causing you to sweat like a fat whore in church. And that the increased hormones that cause the glow also bring with it increased susceptibility to acne (of the face, back & ass variety), increased cervical fluid ( the kind that could cause an unsuspecting pregnant woman to slip right off her stool if she weren't wearing her appropriated parachute pregnancy panties), hair growth in unsuspecting parts ( bearded lady , anyone?), and constipation ( talk about insult to injury) Mumsy; all the meticulous and copious amounts of time that you have spent over the years "landscaping" probably the very source of your pregnancy will become, at 9 months pregnant , non existent. That which once resembled the topiary of the Tuileries will no be more akin to an abandoned outhouse.And we all say that we are going to make our husbands shave us...and none of us actually ever do. There are more, many more, but I feel I have scared the first time mothers sufficiently for now.Happy procreating and remember, there is a 98% chance that you will vomit and or poop on the birthing table.

Truthfully - today is a shitty day. Pardon the swearing. I'm so sore. It sucks. Everything hurts. I'm tired. I slept like crap last night. I should have known it was coming. It tends to go like this - a few great days in a row and then slam - a crappy day. I know I'll get through it, but today is one of those days where it just feels that much harder and that much less believable. I guess today I'll just hold tight to the knowledge that there are more good days than bad. And this is just temporary.