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JillSimpson How do you help a friend going through a crisis?
Good essay by someone who's been there:
Coping With Crises Close to Someone Else’s Heart
By HARRIET BROWN
Over the last few years, my family has weathered our share of crises. First our younger daughter was hospitalized for a week with Kawasaki disease, a rare condition in children that involves inflammation of the blood vessels, and spent several months convalescing at home. Soon after she recovered, our older daughter landed in the hospital with anorexia, which proved to be the start of a yearlong fight for her life.
Somewhere in the middle of that process, my mother-in-law was given a diagnosis of advanced lung cancer, and died less than 11 months later.
So we’ve had plenty of opportunities to observe not only how we dealt with trauma but how our friends, family and community did, too. For the most part, we were blessed with support and love; friends ran errands for us, delivered meals, sat in hospital waiting rooms, walked, talked and cried with us.
But a couple of friends disappeared entirely. During the year we spent in eating-disorder hell, they called once or twice but otherwise behaved as though we had been transported to Mongolia with no telephones or e-mail.
. . . . .
True empathy inspires what sociologists call instrumental aid. “There are any number of tasks to be done, and they’re as personal as your thumbprint,” Dr. Rainer said. If you really want to help a family in crisis, offer to do something specific: drive the carpool, weed the garden, bring a meal, do the laundry, go for a walk.
I tested that theory recently, when a friend’s mother went through a series of medical crises and moved to an assisted-living facility in our town. Normally, I might have been guilty of pseudo-care, asking if I could do anything but never really stepping up. Instead, I e-mailed her a list of tasks I could do, and asked if any of them would be helpful.
To my surprise, my friend responded by asking if I’d visit her mother on a day she couldn’t. Her mother was glad for the company, and my friend felt reassured, knowing that her mother wasn’t alone.
And I had the chance to do something truly useful for my friend, which in turn let me show her how much I cared about her. The time I spent with her mother turned out to be a gift for me.
Thinking back to my own years of crisis, I wondered why I’d focused on the friends who didn’t come through when so many others had. In retrospect, I wished I’d taken a slightly more Zen-like attitude.
“The human condition is that traumatic events occur,” said David B. Adams, a psychologist in private practice in Atlanta. “The reality is that we are equipped to deal with them. The challenge that lies before us is quite often more important than the disappointment that surrounds us.”
Read the whole article at:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/17/health/views/17essa.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&hpw
about 1 year ago - Comment
ConnieFoggles The suggestion of providing a list of what you can do to help is excellent. When we went through a crisis, it was those friends that got together, called us and said this is when we're available to help that got us through.
They even kept a schedule of when people where helping so we didn't have to turn people down. It was a life saver for us.
It's so hard to even think about the simple tasks and when your friends step in to help, it makes things a lot easier.
about 1 year ago
Emily When friends come through like that, it can make ALL the difference!!! I'm so glad you had that support and love all around you!
about 1 year ago
JillSimpson I agree, Connie. When we had a serious illness in our family, one of my friends offered to coordinate everyone's offers of cooking meals--it was such a huge help! (it also made me less self-conscious about accepting help from people). There's also a great website called carecalendar.org that allows people to sign up to deliver meals on a longer-term basis--when a friend's husband recently and tragically passed away, everyone could sign up via that site and the family could choose the nights they needed a meal, list allergies/preferences, and everyone could make sure they didn't duplicate the same meal, like lasagna, over and over again! All I can tell you is whatever efforts people made--whether it was a note, a loaf of pumpkin bread, or babysitting--it meant the world to us! Another good website to know about is caringbridge.org--when someone is going through a serious illness, it's an easy way to post updates on how they're doing, and for everyone-especially far-flung friends and relatives--to keep up-to-date and offer their well wishes and support without constantly intruding on a family in crisis.
about 1 year ago
ConnieFoggles Thanks for that info Jill. I'm bookmarking those sites. I'll try to share them on my health blog also.
Emily, it was a terrible time, but the love of friends made it much easier to cope with.
about 1 year ago
Emily I love knowing about the websites - thanks, Jill!! Such a smart way to use the web for good.
about 1 year ago