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Ellen Galinsky and the Life Skills Every Child Needs
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- Emily 0 comments
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Lisa Belkin wrote about "Mind in the Making" for her Motherlode blog in today's New York Times that includes an essay by Ellen and is a must-read. Here's the link:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/29/life-skills-every-child-needs/#more-11445
And a quote from Lisa:
"Too much of the parenting conversation has served to raise the bar beyond what is reasonable or necessary, to tell parents there is one right way, and you’d better learn it fast before you ruin your child for good. Galinsky’s goal, as she writes in a guest essay today, is to ratchet down that frenzy and reduce the guilt by sending parents the message that they already know most of what they need to know, and they are already doing pretty darn well."
Amen.
We are thrilled that Ellen is joining us on Monday and can't wait to talk with her!!!
over 2 years ago
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- Morra 1 comment
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I'm also excited to talk about the super stressful culture of parenting today, and what we parents can do to all take a deep breath and have some fun!!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Agree Morra. What has always helped me is to have friends who make you laugh when things get crazy. I always say that everyone needs a "Jeannie" or a "Nancy" in their lives. I can always call one of them up when another parent had a perfect child (and mine was certainly less than perfect) and Jeannie or Nancy would make me laugh--and remind me how great my child is. Or when things get really crazy, I imagine being in a play--this isn't my real life. Then I can step back and see the humor in the situation and not overreact.
over 2 years ago
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- MojoMom 2 comments
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Hi Everybody, I am so glad to be here! I recorded a Mojo Mom Podcast with Ellen to discuss "Mind in the Making," so I wanted to share that link with you: http://www.mojomom.com/2010/04/23/mojo-mom-podcast-with-ellen-galinsky-author-of-mind-in-the-making/
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
Thank you, Ellen. Your book has helped me reconnect with my background in neuroscience and my love for science. You are doing a great service by connecting real parents with real research!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Thanks for sharing the link. Loved doing the Podcase with you and love your new book!
over 2 years ago
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- MayaFrost 0 comments
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Wonderful! Really hoping that part of the discussion will focus on making sure our TEENAGERS develop these skills. So often, parents are really great at teaching their young ones these skills in age-appropriate ways, but assume that there's no need to make adjustments once their kids hit high school. This is precisely when these skills become MOST important. As a mother of four launched daughters and parent educator for many moms and dads of teens, I'm cheering for Ellen and looking forward to the discussion.
over 2 years ago
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- MayaFrost 3 comments
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Wonderful! Really hoping that part of the discussion will focus on making sure our TEENAGERS develop these skills. So often, parents are really great at teaching their young ones these skills in age-appropriate ways, but assume that there's no need to make adjustments once their kids hit high school. This is precisely when these skills become MOST important. As a mother of four launched daughters and parent educator for many moms and dads of teens, I'm cheering for Ellen and looking forward to the discussion.
over 2 years ago
kadesigns
me too!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Agree, Maya. Love you to share some of what you do with teenagers. I found that writing this book helped me be a better parent of my grown children and it helped them with these skills too. And perspective taking has been very helpful in my marriage :-)
over 2 years ago
Emily
Maya, that is such a great point. I would love to talk about this angle!
over 2 years ago
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- Becki 10 comments
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My son, who's almost 11, struggles a lot with things that are challenging to him. He does not want to risk attempting something at which he might not succeed. And if he does attempt something, and falls short of his expectation, it consumes him--he has such a hard time seeing that he might do better next time, or what he might learn from his less-than-perfect attempt. I try to assure him that we don't expect perfection from him; that I, in my business, "fail" on some level every day but am getting better precisely because of those "failures." It seems to be falling on deaf ears. Any ideas how I can better help him?
over 2 years ago
Emily
Asha, my daughter learned to walk the same way! She held onto the side of the coffee table and practiced falling until she was sure she'd survive a major walk-on-my-own encounter with the floor! So funny how innate temperament plays into these questions. I've heard so much about Carol Dweck's work - it's time for me to read it. Thanks for the recommendation!
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Also helps to have visuals that break down an intimidating task into steps. My son (and I!) get overwhelmed by what we think are looming tasks, but once they are broken down on a list, they aren't so scary.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
That said, in the moment, I try to help first by recognizing his frustration, then by gently suggesting "is there another way to solve this problem?"
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Good morning, Becky, Ellen and all! I, too, have a perfectionist son. He's been that way from the beginning -- didn't want to walk till he could do it without toddling. I truly believe some perfectionism is temperament, so taking the long view and using that as a baseline really helps.
over 2 years ago
Amy McCready
I LOVE Carol Dweck's work. I think her book MINDSET should be required reading for all parents!
over 2 years ago
Becki
My son's teacher is really good at focusing on his effort and encouraging him to take risks; I hope we are as lucky next year when he's in middle school.
over 2 years ago
swn, cpnp/momma
Great perspective! Thanks. I've already opened up another window here so I can go on to look at Carol Dweck's work. I also think I'm seeing here what's behind something I've been appreciating in my son's pre-K classroom this year: an overt attention to not just the content they're learning, but to being identifying and talking about the "strategies" they're using to figure things out. Really puts an emphasis on the learning process, in a way the kids can understand!
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
We as parents can model the growth mindset, too, by being willing to try new things we won't instantly be good at. I started taking piano lessons last fall, and through that I have reconnected with the fun of learning...and the awkwardness of being a "newbie," which is something we ask of our kids a lot.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Hi Becki, You are making such an important point--that children are born with different temperaments and that what works for one child, may work less well for another. I think that Carol Dweck's research is important here. She points out that we need to praise effort and strategy rather than intelligence. She has a new project where she is helping children understand how their brains work and she has found that effective in helping children who are less willing to take on challenges. Perhaps you could write down every time your 11 year old tries something hard and post it somewhere so he continues to get reinforcement for trying. And love that you share with him that you make mistakes and that is a necessary part of learning. Will your son't teacher work with you on this too?
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
I see that with my five year old too.
over 2 years ago
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- Amy McCready 2 comments
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I'll be joining this conversation a bit late after a conference call - but look forward to hearing from Ellen and the panel of experts!
over 2 years ago
Emily
Me too, Amy!!!!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Look forward to talking with you when you join, Amy.
over 2 years ago
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- thienkim 3 comments
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I'm looking forward to the chat! Though I have a 4yo and 5 month old, I agree it is important for our kids no matter what age to know how to communicate with others. Heck! I've seen adults who are not very good at it!
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
Emily, that is such a good point that media is set up to be the opposite of perspective taking! We need to make sure to create our own real-life examples and opportunities to practice.
over 2 years ago
Emily
Helping our kids get some distance and gain perspective is so important, as you say. Reality TV and popular culture seems to promote the opposite sometimes, so it can be a challenge, with adults too as thienkim said!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
I so agree with you. Children learn the most from what they see us do. I think communicating is not only being able to express ourselves well, but also to understand how others will respond to what we say (so it involves perspective taking as well).
over 2 years ago
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- adivinenature 19 comments
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I am very interested in hearing about developing self-directed skills since kids are organized by activities or directed by school most of the day!
over 2 years ago
adivinenature
Great comments - in the routine department, how old are your kids? I have high schoolers, they set their own routine and the days of homework at the kitchen table are over. They do well monitoring TV but using it as rewards seem a bit over board since they must learn to set this up for themselves. Your thoughts?
over 2 years ago
themomslant
Asha, I do that too! It's partly a matter of helping them see how I handle have-to's/want-to's, but I also do it to demonstrate everything that I do. It's easy for what mom does, especially around the house, to go unseen.
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
Yep, I do that too! They do seem to get occupied pretty fast after that.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I like the listmaking idea and may steal that for the summer. Often if my kids tell me they are bored, then that means they are free to help me - sweep, dust, vacuum, laundry, etc. It's funny how less often they complain about being bored to me. ;-)
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Also, modeling. It is too easy for me to do the fun stuff (redesigning my website) before the non fun stuff (paying the bills). I try to let the kids know when I'm making a choice to do my work first. In other words, I talk to myself a lot.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Another vote for routine, and for creating subtle gateways of "have to's" that must be passed through on the way to "want to's." Must tread carefully to avoid power struggles with some kids, though. In my house, the power struggle always obliterates whatever lesson I'm trying to teach.
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
I've been doing the same recently. It works SO much better.
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
MojoMom, I do the same thing. Homework and music practice, then the rewards come. No TV Mon-Thu and computer time (for non-school work) has to be earned. Reinforcement is the key :). I have to choose not to get frustrated and avoid nagging - rather simple reminding of their agreed to commitments and privileges. It usually works. But I have to watch my consistency or clearly explain exceptions.
over 2 years ago
thienkim
Emily, that is good to know. I know routine is important for my pre-schoooler. It helps her know what expect. It makes life easier for me too
over 2 years ago
Emily
I was talking recently with a friend who has older kids, and she said the most important element for her was routine. When her kids had routines around homework, they would get right to it, and when those fell away, it became a daily battle to engage them to sit down and do it. So ... we're paying close attention to our daily schedule so it feels solid to my kids.
over 2 years ago
thienkim
I like the kistmaking idea. I will do that with my preschooler
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Great idea about finishing homework before TV and computer.
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
I've started using the policy that "you do what you have to do, and then you can do what you want to do." Old school advice that is working for us! TV and computer screen time have to wait until after homework and music practice are completed. That way the whole environment/situation is set up with motivation to finish the homework, without me nagging all the time. I do have to pay attention to reinforcing the rule.
over 2 years ago
Emily
I'd love to layer in the idea of being self-directed around homework! One of my daughters sits down and gets right to without prodding and the other needs much more coaxing. Would love ideas on this too!
over 2 years ago
Morra
When I was considering childcare options a day care guru said to me: my philosophy is, let the toddler do his routine and just make sure he's safe and knows you're there. If that means banging on pots and pans for an hour, great. Let him do his repertoire. I love thinking of my son's repertoire: I'm just there to facilitate and provide encouragement.
over 2 years ago
themomslant
One strategy I've used with my kids is to ask them "what do you think?" questions about what we see - either out and about or at home. It's provoked them to develop new interests (e.g., my oldest now loves anything space-related, even though they haven't studied the topic at school) and make even more observations on their own.
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
We did something like this over the long holiday vacation last year. On the first day, my husband and kids made a list of all the things they could think of to do, places to go, etc. It worked very, very well.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
I do think it is a problem that children are directed by schools most of the time and am working with schools to help them give some time to children for planning and then following through on activities. That is something that I uncovered in talking with the three creators of the early childhood programs that have had the most powerful long term effects. Even if schools don't do this, we can do it as parents. One of the best ideas I had when my son was little was the following. He came to me and said, "I'M BOOOORRRRREEED"--you know that whiny voice. I worked with him to make a list of the things he most liked to do when he was bored and whenever he said that he was bored, we would go to his list and he would select an activity to pursue. Overtime, he didn't come to us as much as entertainment central. Love others to share your ideas about how to help your kids be more self-directed!
over 2 years ago
Emily
I would love to learn about this too - such a great question.
over 2 years ago
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- Ellen Galinsky 2 comments
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I am online now and so excited about talking with you all. Ellen
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
So excited! Trying to catch up right now. :-)
over 2 years ago
Emily
Welcome, Ellen! We are THRILLED you're hear and are looking forward to a fabulous conversation today! Congratulations on the incredible response to your book!!!! #1 on Amazon parents and the most glowing review in the NYT evah!!! So so great!!!!!
over 2 years ago
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- ErinCS 0 comments
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Hi Ellen! So excited you are here. Thoughts on effective ways of keeping kids of different ages engaged/ interested in a single activity?
over 2 years ago
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- Lola 6 comments
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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts of early development - I have a one year old. We recognize how quickly he picks up things and want to keep things stimulating and fun without pressure - guidance from your research would be great!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Oh Michelle - that would be so fun wouldn't it? I often dream of having a mini farm. I have lots of reasons for wanting one, but one is just space for the kids to roam and play!
over 2 years ago
michelle_m
Completely agree about free play. My dream is to live on the Patagonian plains and let my child roam free for hours on end. Back in Reality, USA- I've discovered that my daughter loves to take boxes and crates out of recycling and make art projects. We've even started a little gallery of her creations....
over 2 years ago
Lola
I agree with free play - - we have blocks and books around and he finds new games with them all the time. He often will bring them to us for interactive play - although we'd love to encourage self discovery - Ellen's thought on other ideas would be great!
over 2 years ago
Deborah
Lots of open-ended activity here too. I've learned so much FROM my kids this way!!!!
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
I'd love to hear Ellen's take on that. I've always allowed my kids a lot of free play. I don't entertain them, and I'm not always running around to child-centered activities. I just provide them with lots of "raw materials" such as paper, pens, blocks, books, and let them do whatever their imagination inspires. They learn best by doing and I think sometimes parents try too hard to program everything.
over 2 years ago
Joy
This is great question! My little one is 15 months old and I'm trying to find the balance without overdoing it...
over 2 years ago
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- kadesigns 5 comments
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focus seems to be a huge issue with my kids. though i created a "homework zone" for them in our house, the slightest thing will distract them unless i'm sitting right there with them! as middle schoolers, shouldnt they be able to SELF focus?!
over 2 years ago
kadesigns
I have this maybe naive notion that the incentive should come from within them...that it should be in seeing something through, learning from it and being proud of their accomplishments. All without having to make cookies! :)
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
Yeah, my middle child has trouble with this. I find that if there is something she really wants to do when she's done her homework, she works harder to pay attention and finish it. so I try to provide some sort of incentive - even if it's just to go out and play with neighborhood kids, or help me make cookies.
over 2 years ago
kadesigns
Oh definitely! At what point does the internal drive just kick in? I'm not planning on bunking with them in the dorm room at college!
over 2 years ago
Suzanne
Good question. My middle schooler is a procrastinator, too, which is part of the same issue.
over 2 years ago
kadesigns
truly I am baffled by this one. With other kids in the house it is nearly impossible to sit there and oversee them during hw time. They are motivated learners but too easily distracted. HELP!
over 2 years ago
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- thienkim 3 comments
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What can I do to encourage my 4yo to engage in self-directed play? She's very social and always wants someone to play with her. Mom would like some quiet time everyday. (sorry for any typos, I'm nursing babe and typing-NAK)
over 2 years ago
thienkim
Brandie & blueroses, those are great tips! I will start with 10 minutes. Esp since summer is coming up and she'll be out of school. I'm loving the "special" boxes idea too.
over 2 years ago
blueroses
When my daughter was about that age, I had toys/activities that I kept in plastic tubs with lids that were always kept high up in my closet where she couldn't reach them. When I needed some "me" time or to get some work done, I got the tubs down and told her it was "allison" time. One of the tubs had play-dough stuff in it. That was special because it was very messy, and it kept her occupied on the kitchen floor. Also it had recyclable stuff in it... plastic spoons and paper-towel rolls, etc. I let her do whatever she wanted with it. The other tubs was filled with little cars and balls and things that rolled around. When I was done doing what I had to do or when she started looking bored, I would make a big deal about putting the tubs and every single bit of stuff away carefully because of how "special" all the stuff was. It was only used for "allison" time. That worked pretty well at the pre-school age. I know getting quiet time for yourself when they are so young is really difficult but it's important. Good luck to you!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
This is how we did it at our house. A. Start playing with the child and when child is really into mom has to leave to go to the bathroom, check something real quick, etc. An excuse to walk away briefly and hten to keep extendind that so child learns to play alone. B. Room time - we have room time days where each child has to go to their room and play for a set amount of time so mom can either get a break or finish something important or it's a day where I notice everyone is kind of off and I think some downtime is just a key thing for all of our survival LOL! Anyway, start small - 10 minutes, work up to whatever you think you need. Most people I know work up to 1-2 hours for this. I usually do an hour but I've been known to make it last 2 hours. She may fight both of these at first, but keep trying because I really do think self-directed play is just as important and learning to play well with others. So I hope that helps! =)
over 2 years ago
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- Morra 7 comments
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My question for Ellen and panel really centers on technology. My 16 month old already knows how to use an iPhone. NYT had scary article on "antisocial networking." http://nyti.ms/9Khq99 How do I raise a well-adjusted kid in a tech-heavy household?
over 2 years ago
michelle_m
My daughter is too young to do the social networking thing-but I think how we as parents deal with technology has implications for our kids. I try (operative word-try) to not multitask when I'm with my daughter-especially with my mobile, phone or computer-focusing on her when she is talking to me. I'm hoping that models what empathic, personal interaction should feel like?
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
Yeah, this worries me too, but I'm afraid it's one of those things that is just going to evolve with time.
over 2 years ago
Amy McCready
When I shared the NYT article w/my 14-year-old son & made a comment about kids not "talking to each other anymore"...he became quite defensive... "Mom, we TALK all day at school." He didn't agree with the article. I still think we will see a deficit in communication skills with this generation due to the changing technology.
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
What concerns me most about technology is that any dumb (yet normal) thing a kid or teen might say or do can now be broadcast to the world. That information gets out there, it gets shared, and it's difficult or impossible to take back.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Have no-tech zones. We had "special time" every night when our kids were little. That was time before bedtime when each child picked out something he or she really wanted to do. Usually it was a book or telling stories but it always turned into time to talk. My daughter was talking about this last night. It is one of her favorite memories from when she was little.
over 2 years ago
swn, cpnp/momma
Oh, dear. I was glad to see that article look at multiple facets of technology and relationships - there have certainly been both ups and downs for me as and adult navigating it all. I'm realizing that part of the answer for our kids will be in the models we give them, staying well-adjusted as technology moves in on us, too. At least I feel that challenge. I am also challenged by the knowledge that I integrate this changing world into the experiences I've had already, whereas kids are being (literally, biologically) shaped by it from the start. I would be interested in hearing Ellen speak to that piece.
over 2 years ago
Emily
I love the emphasis on 'well adjusted' kids because isn't that what we're all aiming for? It feels like we need moderation in all things, but with technology that can be so hard to find and then hold on to!
over 2 years ago
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- kdc521 12 comments
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I love the point about learning for life - not just grades.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
You are giving your children "lemonade stands." Yes, the interests can change, but not the passion which which they approach the interests. It is such a pleasure to read about what you are doing.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
I'll just throw this out to you: this is one of the reasons I've started home schooling my son. It's amazing to see how learning looks once the timing and subject matter is determined by his interests, not a standard curriculum. Intrinsic motivation is built into the package.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
This is a HUGE point to me. We homeschool. My kids don't get grades. We sometimes hear flack about it, but you know what - they are still learning about things. They still get excited about things. They still want to learn more. It's amazing to me. They are so internally driven - I don't think I had that as a kid. So I'm always amazed at how much they do have. It's a beautiful thing to watch and wow - their passions come out and I love it. And ladies, I have kids who LOVE to help in the kitchen. I think it makes them feel more grown up and like we are trusting them with something as important as fixing the food we need to eat ya know? My 10yo is all about fashion design. She sketches, she collects swatches of fabric. She is now asking for sewing classes - it's amazing! My 7yo is writing her own piano music - sure they are really simple and about 7 notes long, but you'd think she wrote the next major symphony the pride on her face when she finishes another one. My 4 year old is all about star wars. So we read a lot about them. I never thought I'd know so much regarding this topic! But it's so fun. And I know maybe next week, maybe in two years, this passion will change, but it drives them to do so much. And I just love watching it. So, yeah, I love this point being made. =)
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
Coconuts, carrots, and fresh lemonade...sounds like we could get a raw foods bar going!
over 2 years ago
Amy McCready
I think Ellen's point about fostering INTERNAL vs. EXTERNAL motivation is the key here. When kids have a healthy internal locus of control - they are less concerned by what peers think and are more likely to take risks and go outside their comfort zone.
over 2 years ago
v2br
The process of watching your child dig in and try something without a care is wonderful. My question is when girls reach the preteen and teen years, they become more self-conscious and afraid of what others will think of them if they do something outside of the norm. How do we encourage them to explore different avenues without fear of recrimination from their peers?
over 2 years ago
Emily
If we're opening a Motherhood restaurant with our kids, count on my girls to squeeze lemons for the lemonade (making a big surgary mess in the process, because heck it wouldn't be fun any other way)!
over 2 years ago
Amy McCready
Having fun and fostering her sense of "I am CAPABLE and I can make a difference." - love it!
over 2 years ago
Joy
Agreed!
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
And sometimes the things that motivate kids are ideas we'd never dream of. Last night my daughter had more fun than I thought humanly possible opening up a coconut that her Dad let her buy at the grocery store. It was inconvenient and messy but she was thrilled by the whole process, and result. So it helps to keep an open mind and "follow the child" when possible.
over 2 years ago
swn, cpnp/momma
That's one of the key things I took from "Our Last Best Shot" by Laura Sessions Stepp -- what a key this is in early adolescence, especially.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Grades provide "external" motivation but we also want our kids to have "internal" motivation. If I had one wish for parents, it would be to help their children find a lemonade stand (not literally of course--I use this analogy because that was something my daughter loved when she was 5 and 6) but to help their children have real interests and pursue them. That I think is a real gift we can give our children.
over 2 years ago
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- amygoslee 19 comments
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How do you manage the fine line between sheltering your child from video games and such but also allowing them to experience the new technology so they aren't in a bubble?
over 2 years ago
Brandie
In our house I don't know who would play video games more - my husband and I or the kids. I guess the good news is that hubs and I play. So we're ready to jump in with the kids at any time. And I talk a LOT. Not just about what I see in video games, but commercials, tv shows, etc. Right, my kids probably think that I will talk them to death. But I also think the more I talk (and not preach) the better it is. My kids are young enough they aren't asking for violent games though - so that makes it a lot easier on me. I'm sure there will be a day when they want a game that I will probably not even want in my house. That's when it will get tougher. But as someone who enjoys games myself, it can be fun to play with them. When we finally beat the castle in the Mario game after losing 20 lives trying to do it, we giggle, laugh, dance, hug - it's fun! LOL!
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Tracy: the music! HUGE for my kids! My son will search out the music on the Internet just to listen to it. We also went to "Video Games Live" -- a symphonic performance of video game music! The quality approaches some of the best film scores. If it ever comes to your town, GO! http://www.videogameslive.com/
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Such good points. Again, help them become critical thinkers about these games. And let's work together to try to pressure game makers to create better ones for our kids!
over 2 years ago
Tracy Mayor
@parenthacks, oh I loved Mario (not to play, to watch) -- those made-up worlds are so pretty to look at, and I even like the background music. A lot of video games actually have many positive aspects to them (I wrote an article about this, awhile ago now, for the Boston Globe Magazine). But the M games are another world. I do agree it's important to keep talking -- whenever my son wants to show me something, like some next level or whatever, I do go watch it, just to stay in the mix. But ugh.
over 2 years ago
magpie
Ditto - great ideas in here. I struggle with the DS from time to time; right now, my 6yo seems to have forgotten about it, but it'll rear it's little head again soon.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Tracy: I hear you. I don't WANT to play video games! But my son does want to talk to me about them, so I listen and try to pick up pieces I can talk to him about. I do try to sit with him when he plays every now and then. He loves having an audience, and it helps me see what's so exciting about it to him. (He's 10 and doesn't play violent games...beyond Mario violence, that is.)
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
Great ideas in this thread. Love it!
over 2 years ago
Tracy Mayor
Agree completely that talking back to all media and staying current yourself are key -- I email, IM, text, Facebook and Twitter with my sons, depending on what technology they're into at the time (though sparingly, lest I be accused of "being a creeper"). But the video games are a tough circle to break into -- it's a guy bonding thing, so unless you want to start playing Call of Duty with your kid (like he would even let you), you're on the outside. My 16YO plays games I never *dreamed* I'd allow into my home, and I still have deep deep reservations about them, but he's thoughtful and respectful, gets top grades, is totally drug- and alcohol-free, hangs out with equally squeaky clean kids and shows zero inclination towards violence of any kind in real life. I don't really know how to justify the violent games, other than to say we monitor the situation closely and feel like it's a self-contained, if hideous, bubble. But it's a struggle. I look at other moms in his circle of friends and wonder why they're not agonizing over it more...
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
In April, my husband called for a month of no television, and I thought it would be really hard but it was actually a great time for our family. (I will admit I watched Lost and Glee late at night, but we had the TV off during normal family hours.)
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
I am not aloud to bring my iPhone anywhere near the activity. :)
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
Friday or Saturday nights (we pick one) are either Family Movie Night or Family Game Night and we alternate. We've had so much fun playing games together. As they get older, (I have 4 kids - 1, 3, 5, 7 years) I won't have that option. The most reluctant participant is usually me, and I always end up having a great time.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
So true!
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Also, really upping the non-screen fun quotient. This weekend, my son, who defaults to electronic "fun," really got into building marble block towers with us once 1) we turned on some great music, 2) we got really involved (didn't just expect him to initiate the play), 3) got silly.
over 2 years ago
Emily
Morra, that is sooooo true. Technology is here to stay, and that's a very good thing - AND we need our own rules and approaches. This conversation is giving me such good ideas to think about and try with my family! Morra, it is WONDERFUL to be here with you and Ellen and these great great women!!!!
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
Morra, I completely agree with you. But I have to say it's an ongoing challenge to see technology creating these new parenting situations I could not have dreamed of 10 years ago. I will admit that some days I think "Wow, I had no idea I was signing up for THIS"--for example, worrying about teens and sexting!
over 2 years ago
Morra
Maybe the key is not creating that weird binary world where your kids understand technology and use it and you just throw your hands up. After all, we all love tech and are pretty well-versed ourselves! Love your conversations, Emily!
over 2 years ago
Emily
We have long conversations about movies and TV show and how girls and girl/girl and girl/boy relationships are portrayed. Over time, I see my kids getting smarter about the standard story lines and how they don't necessarily match up to real life. I like the idea of layering the same kind of conversation into video games. And involving my kids in buying them.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
We have had this debate about every new technology--TV or no TV, video games or no video games, social media or no social media. These are just tools and we want our children to learn to use them well. So here are some suggestions. 1. Ask kids to help pay for games that are expensive. Help them become good consumers. On our website is a great parent story of having a child save up (mindinthemaking.org). 2. Ask your kids to be critics of the media? Help them learn to think critically. 3. Set rules about things that you think are harmful. 4. Remember that we as parents have enormous consumer power. Look at what happened with Baby Einstein because of consumer complaints. Commonsense media should be a good resource on these issues.
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
Thank you for putting it this way! I see many who think it's a black and white issue. Tech, or no tech. It's not realistic or pragmatic.
over 2 years ago
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- thienkim 3 comments
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have to go pick up kid from pre-k. hopefully you'll all still be here when i get back
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Yep, we're running to the chiro now. But I'll be back to chat some more!
over 2 years ago
Emily
We will! See you soon!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
I plan to be here all day. Talk with you later.
over 2 years ago
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- Brandie 15 comments
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I'd love to talk more about taking on challenges.
It seems today most parents are afraid to let their kids take challenges - whether it stems from trying to protect them from failure or the ever present safety issues.
How can we overcome both those issues to let go a little and allow our kids a bit of freedom to tackle some challenges?
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Exactly. And I just wish they could be there when hubs and I are deciding what to do, how to do it, how much freedom they should have, what's okay, what's not okay. It's not like we woke up one morning and went "gee, parenting is hard to let's just let the kids run around and not worry about it. We really do put a lot of thought into our decisions! And I'm so with you on the one size does not fit all! Even my 3 kids have different needs!
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Brandie: So hear you. It's like giving kids space to experiment and explore is seen as sugar-coated neglect. A big part of parenting, for me, has been coming to terms with the peer pressure to do things the way everyone else does them. People forget that kids (and parents) are individuals. There is no one-size-fits-all.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Sadly, yes, people do question me. We homeschool. We tend to not have many rules. It makes people curious. And so they question - which I don't mind. But people aren't always kind about it and some people ask questions that are really just disguised criticism, you know the kind - the whole "Oh. You let him do that? Oh my. Why ever would you do that?" Which is really code for "I would never let my kid do that and clearly you are screwing your child up by letting him do it."
over 2 years ago
themomslant
Brandie, do people really question you directly on your parenting? I think my jaw would hit the floor. A great book on this topic is "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. Helps sort out fallacies from real fears.
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
LOL, Brandie. I hear ya.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Oh me, I'm such a free range parent - I often let me kids have a lot of freedom to explore, try out ideas, fail and try again. But, we are surrounded by people who won't let their kids do x, y and z. They're not adults you know - they can't make the right decision. So really, I asked so I could get some things to respond back to when they act like clearly I don't even care about my kids at all and don't care about their safety and I'm a terrible mom who doesn't hover every single second of every single day because mr. bad is guy is following in my shadow waiting to scoop in and harm my kids. Sigh. I can't imagine walking around with that much anxiety.
over 2 years ago
Deborah
Learning how to fail well is a skill, isn't it? Makes me think of "Toy Story" where Buzz says to Woody, "we're falling...with style".
over 2 years ago
themomslant
Echoing the others. I'm a huge advocate of fostering independence and allowing my kids to take responsibility, even when the outcome is negative. Better for them to learn it earlier (when the consequences are less severe) than grow up expecting me to be there looking over their shoulder, ready to bail them out. (Hopefully not literally!)
over 2 years ago
Deborah
I worked my tail off trying to get our youngest to sign up for band instead of vocal music for this reason. That it wouldn't be *so* easy. He might even fail. To challenge him more. But ultimately, let him decide for himself--he chose vocal.
over 2 years ago
Emily
I would love to know what everyone thinks about Free Range Kids too!
over 2 years ago
Emily
Oh Ellen, that is such a wonderful example! Our kids are so imaginative and innately resilient, and it shows so much trust in them to ask them for their ideas first before jumping in with a solution. I will keep this in mind for my ten year old who is having a hard time falling asleep these days. She's always been an easy sleeper and in the last few months it's gotten difficult for her - and I keep hoping my ideas will work. Tonight, if it happens again, we're going with hers!
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
I've actually been writing a lot about this topic recently after reading a few books about it. Allowing kids to fail, and even setting up situations in which they fail and suffer appropriate consequences, is really important. I've noticed a big difference since I started doing that.
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
"Letting Go So You Both Can Grow" is the exact theme of my new book "Courageous Parents, Confident Kids" which provides ideas & resources from 14 contributors including Cooper & Emily and TheMotherhood! http://www.mojomom.com/books/courageous-parents-confident-kids/ I have to sign off for a little while, but will try to check back in later on this excellent talk--thanks everyone!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
HI Brandie, It is interesting that sometimes what we want to do to help our kids has the opposite effect. If we never let them learn to deal with challenges, then they won't learn how, but of course it has to be at their appropriate age level. Here is an example. When my daughter would have bad dreams, rather than come up with solutions for her, I asked her what ideas she had for dealing with the bad dreams. Her ideas was to think of the dream as a bubble and then pop that bubble. My son's ideas was to make a sword (out of alum. foil) to keep by his bed so that this would keep bad dreams away. I could make a big deal out of the fact that they were dealing with something hard and THEY had ideas for how to manage this. Little by little, I would turn to them for their ideas for how to deal with something that is hard. Love to hear other's ideas. This is an important issue and perhaps we could post all of the ideas as a resource after today's event.
over 2 years ago
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- v2br 10 comments
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A few weeks ago I went to a meeting in which Rachel Dretzin, a PBS producer for the Frontline show, "Growing Up Online" and "Digital Nation", spoke about the challenges facing parents today with technology. What struck me is that by the time children reach their teenage years, they often do not distinguish between actual interaction and online interaction. It is one and the same to them and It can grow into an addiction. How do we handle this?
over 2 years ago
Joy
I need to put limits on my computer time! I try (and fail miserably) to be on the computer only when my little guy is asleep, but it's difficult sometimes, since part of my job requires me to be online a lot. The munchkin gets really upset when he sees me opening up the computer... The word "Balance" needs to be tattooed on me somewhere! I also agree that family meetings are so vital! My husband and I started family meetings a few years back and it has changed our marriage. This has been such a wonderful discussion! You gals rock!
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
ClumberKim: especially when there's so much of interest to the kids about what's going on at work!
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
Thanks Asha. What you are saying makes a lot of sense. My husband and I also do a great deal of our work online (he's a software engineer for Apple and I'm manage tech support for a university department). Though we go to our offices and work regular hours, work spills over into home time and the lines are blurry for our kids.
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
Ellen, the family meeting idea is powerful on so many levels. Not just how to handle media but how to handle any issue the family is having. We have started Sunday night meetings, max 20 mins, to air problems and have the children generate their own consequences and solutions. This week we are working on getting out of bed on time. They understand the knock on effect of how much happier our family is because of all the things that can (or do not) happen simply if we all get up on time and proceed with our assigned tasks.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Chrysula: I agree. We have to accept that online social lives are a reality for kids...and that they're meaningful. We must promote balance and teach them to be safe, but also value the experiences they are having there.
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
It's scary, isn't it? At this point, my oldest is 10, I'm just trying to limit their time online. They haven't discovered the virtual world yet, even though I'm so involved in it. I'm hoping to delay it for a while yet. I'd love to hear advice on ways to protect them from internet addiction.
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
I am starting to wonder how important it is to distinguish between online and actual interaction? I am not saying don't. And I am not saying there aren't safety and addiction concerns. But a select few of my online relationships are proving to be extraordinary gifts in my life. Haven't you found the same thing? I think we have to be players in our kids' media of choice and lead them by example and of course, constant conversation. Emily, and Ellen, the designated tech free times and spaces are great ideas. In our house my kids are young enough that I am still the worst offender. I know that's all about to change.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
We're also working on it. It's hard when both my husband and I work at home on the computer! He works remotely for Twitter, I have my own site, so all of our "work" time is online, which the kids see as "us on the computer." My son doesn't understand why his watching YouTube is any different. I try to let the devices do some of the work for me. The laptop (usually) stays in my office, and the phone stays in the purse. No umbilical connection for me...too tempting to constantly "look something up" or "check this one thing."
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
I would have a family meeting to set rules (with the understanding why rules are important). With each rule that is suggested, I would ask the kids what would work and what wouldn't work about this. Then I would have them work with me to set consequences for breaking the rules. The point is to bring them in on understanding the problem, and HELP (but not be fully responsible--because we are the parents and they are the kids) with coming up with solutions. We need to help them become savvy consumers in this media age.
over 2 years ago
Emily
This is such a GREAT comment. First, I have to say I love Rachel and her PBS productions! She has a new one coming out in June and I CAN'T WAIT. As our lives online become more closely aligned with our off-line lives, the question of finding the right balance applies to us all. In our house, no technology at the table, when we're talking to each other and when other things need to get done (like homework). Still working on what other rules we need!
over 2 years ago
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- Deborah 5 comments
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I'd love to talk about the challenges of teens. Often, I know my teen is ready for another step toward independence....but I'm not. Lord, thank goodness my son is patient with ME!!! :) I will often tell him straight out, "give me a little more time to sit wth this." Any advice?
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Gosh, I feel this way about my kids - 10, 7 and 4 already! I imagine it gets tougher as they age and are capable of doing more and more things! I love what you say to them Deborah though - I'm so stealing that!
over 2 years ago
Deborah
I think I'm going to print out Ellen's response and carry it with me. As my back-up:) I also tell him (almost 16 year old) that, "I'm new to having an almost 16 year old." It's mostly self-talk...to carry myself to the point where I can let go a little more. I remind myself we should be teaching toward independence or inter-dependence always. That sometimes, helps.
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
LOL, Deborah. Love that. One day last week I said to my 10-y/o son, "This parenting gig is HARD." He just chuckled. Sometimes I think they actually get it.
over 2 years ago
swn, cpnp/momma
Thanks for sharing that, Deborah. I've done the same and appreciate the affirmation.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Perfect. I think it is great for kids to understand our development.
over 2 years ago
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- Kelly 11 comments
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Mom of soon-to-be 8yo daughter. Neither my husband nor I can figure out why our DD is not self-directed. I see this is one of the skill-sets you focus on in the book. We provide numerous opportunities for her to do thing from swimming to TaeKwonDo to outings and the like. She has more than enough materials, both reading and crafting to embark on activities on her own. Instead, she could sit for hours and hours watching TV or playing on the computer (If we allowed her to spend hours and hours doing these activities). We are, quite frankly at wits end with this lack of self direction & impetus. What can we do to motivate her?
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Her list sounds fabulous! I love it =)
over 2 years ago
michelle_m
I recently took up one of Ellen's suggestions featured in MITM when my 7-year old declared she was "sooo bored" and asked to use the computer. I asked her to make a list of things she wanted to do, both presently and in the future. She pleasantly surprised me by returning with a rather long list, which included activities like "see a Chinese opera" to "make puppets for a puppet show". Not only did she resolve her own ennui, she had fun exploring the all the possibilities in the process.
over 2 years ago
Kelly
Good insights Brandie.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Here are my thoughts - if you took away all rules/limits on tv/video games/computer/etc what happens? Right, well, at first they play/watch a LOT. So what do we do? We freak out and think they have nothing else to do so we jump in and set those limits. What I see often, is after a couple days of no limits, they get bored. It's not so fun and exciting anymore. And so they find something else to do. Most parents notice this phenomenon after holidays/birthdays - right they get that new thing that they just wont' put down. And then a week later, it's tossed aside. And we're left scratching our head wondering what happened LOL! I also find that with rules, they might constantly try to push back and extend them, but without them, for most kids they usually get over the novelty of being able to do it whenever they want fairly quickly. And I don't just say this. I have no limits in my house. For real. My kids an watch tv or play video games essentially whenever they want. Even so, right now the radio is on and they are all doing other activities. Now some days they will literally sit in front of the tv all day long. Many days though, they won't even turn the tv one once. Overall, there is balance - maybe not over the course of 24 hours sometimes, but over the long term. The other thing that jumps out to me is you talk about all her choices. Funnily enough, the more choices we have, the harder it is for us to make them. So maybe pull back, have fewer things available for her to do. I think a recent study has shown that once you go over two choices you kind of freeze up and have a super tough time figuring out what to do. So, although we think I'll give them a million choices as an alternative to the tv, it's probably better to just offer a couple. =)
over 2 years ago
Kelly
Thanks for the feedback :-)
over 2 years ago
Kelly
The competitive swimming & TKD are both very physically demanding. She's rather tired after practices and needs some active"down time". She does love to go outside and play, but our neighborhood isn't really conducive to this as well as the fact that other parents don't let their children play outside. I do hear what you're saying about parental involvement and we may be doing too much. We are contemplating getting rid of cable.
over 2 years ago
Amy McCready
So true!! They'll actually go out and exercise, ride bikes, etc. We also find that when we have no-tv/video days - the kids have more energy, don't argue with each other. It's a great day for everyone - especially me! :)
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
Sounds like perhaps she just needs to be left alone to figure it out. Sometimes we parents can be too involved??
over 2 years ago
Kelly
She loves the swimming & the TaeKwonDo. That being said, her involvement and participation in both involve considerable amounts of time dedication from her father and myself to go to practices and the like. This issue for us is when there is "down" time from these activities, it appears she doesn't know what to do with herself. If I say; "lets make a doll or let's color....etc" that might elicit some response, but, then I'll sit and wait for her to go get a coloring book and nothing happens. Also, she'll know she has weekend homework to do, but will not self-initiate...we have to twist her arm to work on it. I knit and have taught her...while I sit and knit, I ask her if she wants to as well and the response is "no not really"....do you want to color..."no", Science project?....ummmm no.....I want to watch TV. It's maddening.
over 2 years ago
Jo-Lynne
Recently, we took the TV away completely. And we've severely limited video games for my 10-y/o. (The younger ones aren't allowed online anymore, for now.) I was amazed at how quickly they found other things to do when the digital ones were taken away.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Besides TV or the computer, what does she like to do?
over 2 years ago
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- Chrysula 5 comments
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Ellen, I am interested in what the research taught you about chores and teaching children to take on responsibilities? I am in the zone of teaching certain household skills to my kids, and even my 17mth old loves to help me unload the dishwasher. It staggers me how much they want to know how to do things and how "earning" an extra chore is often seen as a positive instead of a negative consequence.
over 2 years ago
Deborah
Best times for me are when I have PLENTY of time and patience to spare. Sometimes, doing and re-doing to teach and to learn. For a time as a kid, I had to make my bed. Then my mom would go in a remake it. I promised myself, I would never do that. If the boys are going to do it. I have to be alright with it or willing to have them do it again. I've also picked up on some *shotty* work to make it seem like they are incapable. Ha. I'm onto that, too. LOL
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I sometimes get caught up in the quicker to do it myself, but usually can reign it in. The key for me is NEVER try to do anything in a rush. Because that's when it all falls apart. What I am really guilty of when it comes to the kids helping - is forgetting they are kids without much practice or experience and having too high of expectations. I actually found myself angry at my daughter one day and was starting to say "You're acting like a child." Umm, you think mom? She IS a child! I felt so horrible and had to step back, hug her and apologize for expecting her to do something without me having really showed her. And then we started over again and I took the time to really show her instead of just telling her what to do.
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
Chrysula, I grew up with a "quicker to do it myself" parent. (More like a "if you do it I'll just have to do it over" parent.) I can't even sew on a button! Trying to include my kids more, in spite of their resistance!
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
It's been hard for me to take the time to properly instruct and model correct methods. I've always been the "quicker to do it myself" kind. But as I take that time now, they are hungry to learn and help. There is pride is a clean and sparkling bathroom sink that I never expected from my 5 and 7 yr old. They are also peer tutoring each other. I'll teach one. Then they will teach the other one. Then we do it all together and adjust as needed.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
I agree that doing chores is a necessary part of being a family and they can even be fun (not always--but certainly sometimes). I think giving kids appropriate levels of responsibility is always good. The problem is that sometimes it is easier to do it ourselves but then they don't learn...so a little effort in the beginning can pay off later.
over 2 years ago
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- Emily 5 comments
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At my daughters' school, a group of teachers led an evening discussion on raising autonomous, self-motivated kids. One of the points they made is that persistence is sticking with something that isn't necessarily easy, that has obstacles and even failures associated with it. Persistence is NOT persisting at an activity that is inherently fun and interesting. So when we think about whether our kids bring focus and persistence, this is the context the teachers are looking for.
over 2 years ago
Emily
I'm so glad you said that Ellen, and Brandie too. I wasn't sure what to the make of the 'nose to the grindstone' idea of there not being too much fun or enjoyment happening concurrently!!!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Yeah Emily, i have to say I'm not sure I agree with the teachers - honestly, it sounds to me like something someone says when they're trying to convince you to do something you really don't want to because you aren't interested in it at all. Yes, in the real world you do have to have a job that sometimes entails doing parts you don't like, but if your job was 0% fun or interesting to you, would you keep it? Probably only if you were in a dire situation where food wouldn't go on the table if you quit. For me persistence is all about not giving up - not liking what you are doing is irrelevant in my mind. But you can enjoy things that are tough, that have road blocks along the way or that challenges you. So my daughter is in diving. She finally did the back dive off the board (yesterday). So I asked her how she felt about it - I was thinking she would be so proud excited. Know what she said - she said she was sad. I asked her why "Because it took me like 200 tries off the side, 100 tries of the block and a lot of tries to get it off the board. I'm not good." :( How sad - and that's something she WANTED to do. If she had no interest - do you think she would have tried all those times? Um, I'm going no. She would have quit or given up. We talked some more. I told her I was proud of her - not because she did the dive but because she tried 200 times and 100 times and a lot of times. And didn't give up. After we talked then the pride and happiness part kicked in. I'm glad she got there. And I'm glad she didn't give up. But, I don't think that persistence would have showed up had she not wanted to be in diving. Yeah, I know in life you can't always do what you want to do. But, I still don't agree with your teachers definition of persistence. Maybe that has to be the definition for them if they are consistently doing things in school that are not inherently fun or interesting? I'm not sure.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Not sure I would agree with your teachers :-) Persistence is both sticking with an activity that is fun and with one that includes obstacles. I think of my son when he was learning to play an instrument. It was fun and interesting for him and it was hard and had challenges. He now has a PhD in music-so he truly persisted. Studies show that children involved in the arts are more likely to do well cognitively. Why, the Dana Foundation asked, and convened a panel of expert to write about it. They found that among other things, the motivation to pursue something that children cared about, the focus and self control, could affect other cognitive learning. Personally, I think that education should use some of the know-how that makes computer game etc. so involving, but use them in educational ways. That would be educating kids for the 21st century.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
But doesn't that skill start when they are busy doing something they already love (that may start out as easy) but then run into challenges along the way? I'm thinking art projects, crafts, gardening, bike riding, whatever. When they are babies/toddlers: walking, talking, all the basic stuff of growing up. The motivation -- persistence, desire to learn -- is already there!
over 2 years ago
magpie
I watched my daughter trying to weave (on a simple hand loom, think potholders but not quite) - and waver between forging on and giving up. Because it was tricky. Ultimately she finished one piece, and began another...
over 2 years ago
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- Amy McCready 2 comments
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Have to sign off. Thanks to Ellen, Cooper, Emily, experts and participants. This was fun.
over 2 years ago
Emily
Amy, thank you for joining this great conversation! It's always wonderful to see you here!!!!!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Great to have you participate.
over 2 years ago
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- ErinCS 4 comments
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Ellen: any thoughts on standardized testing and if it helps make sure kids are learning the right things in school or just limits them? Something in between? I now live in NY where the standardized tests are much more involved and frequent than where I grew up...
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Great way to handle this, Deborah!
over 2 years ago
Deborah
In Michigan, our BIG test is the MEAP. Seriously, so much emphasis on it. What it measures? Mostly, how well the district is doing in teaching their students. So, I tell my kids to give it their all (one has some test-taking anxiety) and that the test is about the school more than about them. This seems to have helped the one with the anxiety the most.
over 2 years ago
kdc521
Great answer!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Ahhhh...the difficult issue of our times. Well, like them or hate them, they are here. Most teach kids that there are multiple answers to questions and that in not what life and learning are about in this day and age...so as a parent.... I would help my kids know that these are like games. There are rules and they have to learn how to play. But I would also help my kids know that these are not necessarily a measure of much about your kids, other than learning to play this game. EG...tests don't predict very much of the variance in how well kids do in college. In other words, I would help kids have perspective on the situation.
over 2 years ago
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- parenthacks 1 comment
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I could stay here all day! This is an amazing conversation! Thank you, Ellen, Cooper, and Emily for making it happen. Signing off now, but will be popping in all day.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Look forward to your returning.
over 2 years ago
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- Ashley 12 comments
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I'm curious to know if you think there has been a change in our educational system that is somehow limiting creative development and independent thinking. I teach in a college art program, and find that my incoming freshman are incredibly reluctant to think for themselves! They want me to tell them the "right" way to do everything so they can just copy - but it doesn't work that way! It is so hard to get them to take risks and to convince them that often we LEARN more from our failures than from our successes. My own children are still quite young and VERY willing to take risks, but I worry this is something they will lose through the course of their education.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Here is a lesson from my 4yo regarding failure and trying again - he is working on getting his shoes on the right foot. When he messes up he says "Oh man. So close. I was only off by one foot!" I love that attitude =) (and yes I just tweeted this so it might be a repeat for some of you LOL)
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I LOVE that quote! I need to hang it up somewhere!!
over 2 years ago
Ashley
One of my favorite quotes: Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. - Tom Robbins If we are afraid of failure we can never really succeed . . .
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
Brandie, you are so right. And I do sense (a non-scientific assessment) that fear of failure in this society has intensified in recent years. That we avoid it more than ever and talk about it less. No wonder kids are having nervous breakdowns left, right and center.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
My thoughts are this - failure is completely and 100% without a doubt DIScouraged. Failure is frowned upon, you get punished for it. It's bad. Avoid it at all costs. No wonder kids want to be told what to do and exactly how to do it. They don't want to do it "wrong" and fail. Because school teaches them for 13 years that failing is such a bad thing. I remember talking to another mom and at her son's school if they fail a test they can retake it. This was not looked favorably by lots of people. Frankly, I think this is great idea. Because if you can learn from your mistakes, if you can study some more to retake that test, if failure isn't so scary and isn't so bad - I think that's a good thing. I think learning how to fail, and then pick yourself back up and try again is a good thing. In real life almost all mistakes are not game-enders. But if I screw up dinner tonight, my husband wont' say "You get an F. You've failed. I'm leaving." No, I have to suck it up, and make dinner again tomorrow. You know, failure is a part of life. We will all screw something up. We all make mistakes. That's life. But if you've been taught that is a horribly, wrong, no going back thing - then you are terrified to fail, which makes you nervous to try new thing and constantly waiting for someone tell you how to do things the "right" way.
over 2 years ago
renee trudeau
My 8-year old son Jonah asked me the other day what "ponder" means .... it initiated a great conversation at our evening dinner table. It's really important to me that he have space/support to reflect, play with ideas, try out theories and try, fail and try again. I'm the oldest of seven kids and while we all had to work hard to learn how to ask for/receive help later in life (a side effect of being raised uber-independent) my parents hands-off approach really encouraged us to be free thinkers. Four of the seven of us have started our own businesses! My mom's favorite picture of me when I was little showed me holding and looking at a copy of Psychology Today while in diapers :). Great conversation, thanks Emily, Cooper, Ellen and all!
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
I wonder how much of that is the education system changing and how much is the increasing fear and uncertainty being bred in the world of work? And I wonder which which is the chicken and which is the egg?
over 2 years ago
ErinCS
I still keep in touch with professors of mine from college and they see the same things you are: with every generation getting the "right" answer has become more important than understanding the question and possible answers completely.
over 2 years ago
Emily
So interesting that you've seen such a marked change in the last 6-8 years. One of the great things about a conversation like ours here today is that all the social media moms who are listening in and can help spread the word. I love your message, Ellen, and how it resonates here!
over 2 years ago
Ashley
My guess was that this is somehow tied to No Child Left Behind and the focus on teaching to the test - the focus seems to be more on getting the answer right than on really understanding the concepts, processes, etc. But that is just a guess with NO research to back it up. I have been teaching at the college level for about 12 years now, and it seems that the problem has gotten a lot worse in the last 6-8 years?
over 2 years ago
Deborah
Oh Ashley, I'm with you on this. So curious to hear Ellen's take.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
You hit the nail on the head, Ashley! That is exactly why I wrote Mind in the Making and I truly hope it helps educators and parents. I have been doing A LOT of speaking to educational groups so I am hopeful (but know that it will take a lot to make any shift). In the meantime, do you all you can to keep the spirit you describe in your own children alive and thriving. You can do it...I know because I did.
over 2 years ago
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- parenthacks 5 comments
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An amazing book for those interested in keeping the learning "spark" alive in their kids. Practical ideas for supplementing the "programmed" school day, and for providing lots of encouragement for independent thinking, creativity, and problem-solving.
Guerrilla Learning: How to Give Your Kids a Real Education With or Without School by Grace Llewellyn
http://www.amazon.com/Guerrilla-Learning-Education-Without-School/dp/0471349607/
OK. This is just too interesting. I'm REALLY leaving now. Back soon!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Okay, I was thinking of this book: Secrets of a Buccaneer-Scholarhttp://www.buccaneerscholar.com/ Which also has me fascinated!
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
My kids have been in pre-schools that are inspired by the schools in Reggio Emilia, Italy. This sounds like the perfect follow-on to that philosophy.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I have heard about this book - it is talked about so highly. It's on my list. I think somewhere on youtube maybe is an interview with the author or a little blurb about how the book came to be. I'll try to hunt that down!
over 2 years ago
themomslant
Ooh, I like that! Will have to check it out.
over 2 years ago
Emily
I love the title, Asha!
over 2 years ago
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- Chrysula 3 comments
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What are your thoughts about the "unschooling" movement, as it connects to the research?
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Well knowing that others have done it and grown up to be normal adults - I'm not worried. I do see lots of people taking jobs (even before the economy) for the money and ending up really unhappy in those situations. I sort of hope this helps my kids not do that and instead from the get go, find work where they will be happy, ya know? No guarantee there, but it is a wish of mine. They say that unschoolers do tend to have higher rates of being entrepreneurs than others. Not sure if that's true, but it makes sense to me. I hope though they change the workforce by being more flexible, understanding and getting that making people miserable in their job won't make for great employees. I will say although work is rigid, for most of us we still have a choice of what job we do so the rigidness is less taxing than being forced into a rigid situation we don't want to be in. Now, I know, there are situations - like you need to put food on the table you will take whatever job you can get - where the rigidness isn't something you really do want to do. But I don't think rigidness is bad and my kid participate in clubs/classes/sports/etc where there is a rigidness not seen in our approach to education. But being in those situations by force is much different than by choice, ya know? And sometimes that makes a huge world of difference. So whether they take a tradition desk job or start their own company and invent something that I can't even picture in my head today - I have faith they will be okay. =) On a similar note - I'm a crafter. I love making things. I tend to be drawn to people who also love to make things. In reading blogs or listening to podcasts, etc one thing that I hear often is crafters and artists constantly wish they could quit their day job to make their craft/art their full time work. But they are scared. That is one thing I hope never holds my kids back. I hope they will be more willing to do things like that (and truthfully, if I had a day job aside from mom, I wouldn't leave it to make a living off my passion because I'd be scared and million what-ifs would run through my head all ending in total and utter disaster ROFL!). I hope growing up with more freedom to explore and try new things will help them be adults who will explore and try new things. And I think having the ability to do that without being too fearful, will be an important asset to them in life - regardless of wherever their career path takes them. =)
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
Brandie, given the still rigid constructs that define the world of work, how do you think children who "graduate" from the unschooling approach will navigate, or perhaps a better question, how will they change the workforce?
over 2 years ago
Brandie
As an unschooler myself, I'm so glad there is a movement and people are learning about it. I also know there is a lot not known about it and it's often equated to the parents just being too lazy to care and do anything - so not not not not not true. I've seen so many people start doing it recently. I think there is something so beautiful about watching your kids learn and grow and be self-directed and so passionate about things. Kids really will learn and really are interested in so many things. I think often school tends to suck that out of them. Not that the school is sitting thinking about how they can do that, but it's hard for 1 teacher to accommodate 20-some kids, all at different levels, and trying to get them to pass all the tests and that's a side effect for lots of kids I think (not all though!). For us it boils down to following my kids leads - which I think so many of us do in those toddler years and then when school starts we tend to stop. I'm not sure why?
over 2 years ago
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- Brandie 9 comments
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Here is something my husband and I have talked about frequently that I hope will fit in here.
As a society - we are quick to force independence upon even infants - let them cry at night. If they don't learn to sleep well NOW they will never be INDEPENDENT sleepers. Baby turned one, get that bottle and paci out of their mouth right NOW because we don't want them to be dependent on a bottle or a paci. Heaven forbid. Stop feeding them - make them learn or they'll never be independent feeders. Are you going swimming? Don't use arm floaties - you know they will get dependent on them and never learn to swim independently. Etc, etc. Right - we have such a big focus on making them so independent in some areas and then we (again as a society) step in and they can't walk to school because something might happen. Don't let them ride their bike around the block. Don't leave them home alone - something bad could happen. Don't let them in the kitchen - they might burn themselves. Well basically, it seems at certain point our fear causes us to actual hinder a lot situations that can foster independence.
To my husband and I this seems so contradictory. Are we alone in our observation? Are we crazy? Or does anyone else see this too?
over 2 years ago
DebiP
I think you're absolutely right on the contradiction between independence and fear. The problem for some children (one of mine, in particular) is that he heard all the "fear" messages and now won't do so many things because of the anxiety level. Fear is the worst legacy we leave our children.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
The older my kids get, the more I reject the whole "force them to be independent on a schedule" thing. With sleep, with just about everything. *Encourage* independence. STRONGLY encourage, but in a positive "you can do it" way, not in a punative, withholding way. Give lots of opportunities to be independent. Don't jump in with solutions right away so your kid can experience the discomfort of having to figure something out, and the motivation to do it. But when a kid really needs you/a bottle/whatever? Nurture them. Show them you're listening.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Morra - I say don't fret about it. I don't know a single child who went to college with a bottle ;-)
over 2 years ago
Morra
Brandie, I am so with you. My 16 month old loves- and needs, I think- his bottle. How dare someone say he should give it up? That would be cruel.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I really need to get my hands on those books!! And the other ones mentioned below! My reading list is growing lots today! =)
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Brandi, I so agree with you. In fact, in one of my earlier books, the Six Stages of Parenthood, I strongly argued for the dogma of child development at the time (and still)--that children's growth is a march from dependence to independence. In fact, if you look at growth, every time we move toward independence, we reconnect in new ways. I make the same point in Mind in the Making. In fact, check out Daniel Stern's research in MITM. He says, we are born alone and life is a process of learning to be with others. I think we need to foster that process of "learning to be with others"...which includes learning perspective taking!
over 2 years ago
cararolinson
I agree with you 100%, it's very contradictory and really hard to deal with as a parent.... Great points!
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
That's so interesting you should raise this right now. I just read this from Free Range Parenting http://bit.ly/a1WVqm. Fascinating perspective on what we've created as a society.
over 2 years ago
thienkim
You make a good point. It is contradictory.
over 2 years ago
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- Ellen Galinsky 2 comments
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I have to sign off for a bit now...but will be watching the conversation and will be back before 3 to continue. I have LOVED this conversation. Emily and I just talked and if you all would like it, I would be thrilled to do this again. And we can have more book drawings too!
over 2 years ago
Emily
Toward the end of the Talk today, around 3:45, we'll do a drawing for two participants in the Talk to win a Vook (a multimedia-enhanced version of Ellen's book that includes videos). Here's a link to the Vook - check out the kids's adorable reactions to the 'one marshmellow now; two marshmellows later' study: http://vook.com/product.php?book_id=33
over 2 years ago
Ashley
Thanks, Ellen. This was very interesting. I'm going to look for your book this week to add to my reading list!!
over 2 years ago
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- Chrysula 5 comments
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One of my children often demonstrates a sort of "learned helplessness". She's my eldest and I've often thought it a tool to hold on to me, to consciously choose dependence to have more of my time. My 5 and 3 year old show more competency at certain basic tasks than she does. It's not an intellect issue. She's just as smart. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
over 2 years ago
teapot100
My 10 year old is like that too - can do much less for herself than her 5.5 year old sister can. I'm finding that some kids just need "more" than others and this is the case with her. She's also got some executive function issues - brilliant kid, but my goodness, ask her to get ready in the a.m. and she's stuck in her room watching dust particles float past her. My 5.5 year old, however, "needs" me more than my 10 year old does, meaning that she relishes attention and needs more connection whereas my 10 year old just needs more of a hands-on approach to navigating through the daily routines of life. I chalk it all up to development, temperament and personality (and some neurological and cognitive differences to boot).
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
We have a variation of this script in play, but I will modify it per your suggestion. We have started making sure there are parent/child dates at least once a month. Since we have 4 kids, it's one child each week ... Because I am the eldest of my family, I am very conscious of making sure responsibilities are shared. What happens in reality is that I actually require more of my second child because she's so much more reliable and demonstrates more competent follow through. I've been consciously trying to un-do this trend in the last few weeks. It's work in progress! Thank you Ellen.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
How old is she? If she is older, I would say, "I think you don't want to do this for yourself because you want to know that I will still take care of you, now that you are older." Then tell her that you will take care of her and you will help her learn to take care of herself. I have also found that setting aside a special time to be with the eldest is great..I had Monday dinners with my son when he was in High School. Then they don't need to do other things to get your attention..they know when they can expect it.
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
Brandie, thank you for this. I am referring to my 7 yr old, and the pattern has been present her entire life. I have 4 children and she takes 50% of my parenting time. What I am learning is that quite often she simply does need me more than the other children do. She has been 'high-needs' since day one. I just can't always give as much as she wants. It's been a tough year for her and I certainly see this element of gearing up for the next level of change. She'll be 8 later this year and it's definitely a key transition year for most children as they start to really grasp the differences between right or wrong and become more accountable. Gratitude for sharing your perspective on this.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
When my kids do this, it's there way to tell me - which I think you get - that they need me a bit more and aren't sure how to verbalize it and so hence the being helpless because that's a way for them to show me without needing the vocabulary to tell me that. When that happens, I try to take some time out to give a hug or something and then stand with them and encourage them to do it anyway. And ask them how they are doing, how are they feeling. I also will say, gee, you seem like you need some extra love today - is everything okay and hug them. That way, they know I'm there - they get my attention, they are talking and still doing what they need to do. Often that fulfills the needs and they can move on with what they need to do. I think it works because my 10yo will now walk up and say "mom, today I just need some extra hugs." Which I love. I really do. Another interesting thing I have heard from talks I've gone to is often kids will regress to being super needy right before a huge surge in independence/learning/cognitive growth/etc. Sort of like, the body is gearing up to leap to this next level and so it needs to rest up before it can do that and you'll see this. Often it only lasts a week or two and that's often the time in life where you'll wake up one day and look at your child and think "oh my gosh! You've grown up so much. Just yesterday you were my little baby." Well, because yesterday they depended on like a baby would LOL! On the flip side, sometimes it's a sign that we are giving them too much to do/too much responsibility and they just aren't capable of it all and so they feel overwhelmed and hence this comes up. I think each of us have been at this point in our lives right - you reach something in a project that's too hard and you just have to give up and walk away. This can be a child's way to give up and walk away. Often if we take a break, rest, go back and learn a few skills to help us over that hump, we can come back and attack it later and it goes much smoother.
over 2 years ago
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- catalystmom 9 comments
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what activities do you recommend for a toddler (age 4) to help begin setting the foundation for these skills -- does your book provide specific things parent's can do at home with their children to support the essential skill development goals? thanks. Kaushika
over 2 years ago
catalystmom
Thanks - I will try that one tonight - he's constantly asking so I can't wait to turn it around and see what blossoms...
over 2 years ago
Emily
The 'what do you think' response is always so so good!
over 2 years ago
themomslant
Kaushika, we try to foster curiosity, even when it slows us down or makes a mess. When they ask incessant questions, we turn it around and ask what they think. Often it becomes a great conversation!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I'm right there with you Deborah! LOL! =)
over 2 years ago
Deborah
Feel the same way, Brandie. I'm popping in, when I'm supposed to be getting dinner fixed and running way too many errands. LOL
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I LOVE how you ask parents to share what they do and what works for them. Too often it feels like the experts are just there to tell us we don't know anything and only follow their advice. =) You are just amazing - I'm so glad you are here talking with us today.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
I didn't want to write a book with just the research..I wanted to make it practical--news you can use. Many of the researchers have tested ways to help children learn these skills and I share 100s of these for kids for all ages from the researchers, from other parents, and from me. And here is where you come in. PLEASE SHARE WHAT YOU DO TO PROMOTE ANY OR ALL OF THE SKILLS AND WE WILL POST YOUR GREAT IDEAS TO SHARE WITH OTHERS.
over 2 years ago
Morra
The book is full of great toddler games to build the skills. Have you seen the MITM YouTube channel? http://www.youtube.com/mitmchannel
over 2 years ago
Brandie
At 4 - I'd say lots and lots of open-ended play. =) And lots of imaginative play.
over 2 years ago
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- Chrysula 1 comment
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Fabulous conversation, but I must away for a while. Will check back in later. Gratitude for some thoughtful and helpful ideas. Am half way through reading Mind in the Making, LOVING it so far.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Thanks Chrysula...that means the world.
over 2 years ago
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- Morra 4 comments
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I love this video- on focus and self-control http://www.youtube.com/mitmchannel#p/a/u/1/Lu1V9GM6BXE Ellen shares research and tips. There will be more to come!
over 2 years ago
cararolinson
This is GREAT! I'm going to try the head/toes game with my 3 1/2 yr old tonight I'm looking forward to seeing how he does :)
over 2 years ago
Emily
Aren't the kids in the marshmallow experiment ADORABLE!?
over 2 years ago
DebiP
I love that marshmallow experiment!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
It has been wonderful that we can share videos of the studies themselves, thanks to our partners on this project, New Screen Concepts.
over 2 years ago
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- Brandie 10 comments
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In your article The Guilt Trip - you mention that a few parents talked about how it as too late for them - that their kids were too grown for them to use the info in the book. That made me feel sad and makes me wonder - how do I raise my kids to believe it's never too late?
And I'm curious, how many moms here think it's too late for me to And how do you personally try to overcome those sorts of feelings?
over 2 years ago
cararolinson
I too started c25k last week and my little guys are interested in because of it. "mommy's going running?" "where are your running shoes?" "have fun running mama!" all things from the 2 yr old. the 3 1/2 yr old is all about running himself LOL which isn't all that crazy since he's 3 but i am certain that he's running up and down the sidewalk because of my new endeavor. just catching up from today's convo - really great info!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I just thought of this - we have two circles on the motherhood all about doing something new - so if you have dreams but are scared to try them out - I just want to recommend these to you! Absolute Beginners is here - http://www.themotherhood.com/circle/show/id/55943 and Comfort Challenge is here - http://www.themotherhood.com/circle/show/id/55880 =)
over 2 years ago
Brandie
ROFL! I so agree needlework is both! I'm looking at starting a business (not a huge one adn it won't be much of a big deal) but when I told them - the kids all piped up and said they would help and they knew I could do it and they were so proud. It seriously made me feel so awesome. LOL! =)
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Sadly, I hear that all of the time. And it is NOT true. I suppose it is a cultural idea of ours and it makes me very sad too, Brandi. That why the opportunity for parents to talk with each other as we are doing today is so important because we can change these cultural ideas!!
over 2 years ago
themomslant
I love it! We are setting such great examples for our kids by pushing ourselves to take on new challenges - physical, mental, and needlework (which qualifies as both - I'm a knitter).
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
I started couch-to-5k over the weekend and my 5 year old is fascinated (and now that I read this thread, it makes sense!). I took him out to watch the marathon runners near our house yesterday and he's hooked. I hope by the time he's old enough for the run/walk group at his school I will be able to keep up with him!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Triathlons - I'm so impressed. Running has always been my nemesis. One day I will beat it though! And crocheting - that is a feat to learn too! Awesome! I love it when the kids get excited about something us moms do. =)
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Way to go, Julie! I'm no triathlete, but my kids have been totally fascinated by my desire to teach myself to crochet. I told them I lacked the patience as a kid (still do, frankly), but I want to try again. I crocheted two lopsided toys for my kids and they were both so proud of me. And I was ridiculously proud of myself!
over 2 years ago
themomslant
It's never too late! Think about how we ourselves have changed, even as adults. Brandie, to your point, it's good for our kids to see that we are still growing and changing, taking on new challenges. That's one of the reasons I keep doing triathlons. I've explained to my kids that I didn't do sports as a kid, but that doesn't mean I can't do them now!
over 2 years ago
Deborah
Oh this makes me sad too. I think it's only too late when it's OVER. :)
over 2 years ago
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- Emily 0 comments
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Here's The Mind in the Making video Morra referenced below! It's wonderful!!!
over 2 years ago
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- DebiP 14 comments
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I'm sorry I'm so late. But I have a question. I hope no one's asked it yet. How do these recommendations apply to special needs children? Or is that an entirely different set of issues?
over 2 years ago
Brandie
That is a very good distinction.
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
I am totally stealing that too. "Successful" is so arbitary, so driven by our own biases and definitions.
over 2 years ago
DebiP
I like that distinction: thrive v. successful.
over 2 years ago
Emily
Oh, Ellen, that is such a good distinction! I'm using thrive from here on out too.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Let me know what you think when you read MITM...hope it NEVER makes you feel paranoid. Hate those feelings (because they can be transmitted to our kids).
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
I use the word thrive rather than successful for just this reason. Success is often judged by others...and I don't want that.
over 2 years ago
DebiP
And I know this sounds just like a paranoid mom who's clearly too new at all of this...when I read these are the things that make kids successful, and I see my child not being able to do that...but being able to do high school math, I wonder if he will ever be successful. Love your suggestion, BTW, for praising strategy, not skills. LOVE that.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Hi, I didn't write the book with specific suggestions for special needs children. Many of the researchers I feature are using games to promote executive functions of the brain with special needs children and so a parent with special needs children could review the many how to suggestions in MITM, see which ones might be good and then adapt them for the right developmental level of their child.
over 2 years ago
DebiP
So maybe perspective taking is something I need to work on on my side, as well! LOL.
over 2 years ago
Emily
I grew up with a special needs brother and looking back, I wish we had had the vocabulary to talk abut how his life was unfolding from his perspective. We had a lot of fun together, but we all could have been more attuned to his take on the world.
over 2 years ago
DebiP
Yes, actually, I've read that book and a million others, it seems. I'm excited about reading Mind in the Making.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
Perspective taking is one of my son's biggest challenges. We are starting REALLY small. I know it will never be one of my son's strong suits, but I just try to encourage it in as positive ways as I can. I find that the more I can acknowledge HIS perspective before pushing my own, the more open he is to considering it. It's hard and it has taken years of practice (much of it painful) but I'm seeing a lot of improvement. Have you ever read Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child"? All about modeling perspective taking as a way of solving problems. Great, great book. http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190
over 2 years ago
DebiP
I suppose some of it has to do with what the special needs is. So, for example, the concept of perspective taking is total out of the reach of my child with Asperger's. He has no ability for theory of mind. Yet, I want him to succeed and be successful. These are critical skills. I just don't know how to teach a brain that is so different than most.
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
I have a special needs child, and I think these recommendations are more relevant than ever. This is about gathering the tools to navigate and succeed in life...not just perform well in school or get into college.
over 2 years ago
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- Emily 3 comments
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We're about to do the random drawing - two participants in the Talk will win a Vook of "Mind in the Making"!!! Here's a link to the Vook: http://vook.com/product.php?book_id=33
over 2 years ago
Emily
50 experiments on the Vook! So so cool!!!
over 2 years ago
ClumberKim
Sounds amazing!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Winners...please let me know how you like the Vook! It has almost 50 experiments in it--so as my daughter says, it unlocks the doors of academia and lets parents learn what researchers know and how they know it. You will meet some amazing researchers.
over 2 years ago
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- Emily 3 comments
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The winners of the Vook of Ellen's new book are .... (drumroll, please ....):
1. Ashley
2. Thienkim
Congratulations!!!!!!!! Send me a message with the email you'd like to use to receive the Vook!
Yay!
over 2 years ago
Joy
Congrats!
over 2 years ago
thienkim
Yay!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Congratulations!!! =) =)
over 2 years ago
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- MiriamPeskowitz 7 comments
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Hey Everyone, I'm checking in late, but what an amazing conversation. I've been thinking so much lately about free play, and playfulness, and how so much of parenting conversation has been about anxiety. Thanks Ellen, for bringing us to such big and positive and forward-looking issues about kids and character.
over 2 years ago
MiriamPeskowitz
Definitely big and positive! Eight years--thank you for that focus and commitment.
over 2 years ago
MiriamPeskowitz
I loved that Talk. I'm always learning how to step back a little bit, so the kids can create their own fun, and learn the habit of making life interesting for themselves. It's a process for me, stepping back is often at odds with other instincts.
over 2 years ago
DebiP
Ditto!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Thanks Miriam. I am thrilled that you are finding this "big, positive and forward-looking." That is so what I hoped during my eight years of working on this.
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
There is so much interesting research on the importance of play--and now on "guided play" where we ask a question that extends our kids thinking. We all learn best from first hand experience and when children play, they are experimenting, trying on the world to see how it works, and figuring things out!
over 2 years ago
ErinCS
Yes! Thank you so much Ellen for such great feedback!
over 2 years ago
Emily
Miriam, I still think back on your Talk in TheMotherhood and your insights into playfulness. It is such an important part of childhood, and in teaching life skills to our kids!!
over 2 years ago
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- parenthacks 2 comments
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Thank you all for letting me be a part of this amazing conversation. I learned so much from all of you!
over 2 years ago
Emily
Thank you Asha, so much for being a part of it! I loved 'talking' with you here!!!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Thank you (and everyone) who was here! I love talks like this - I've learned so much and my brain is whirling a million miles per hour processing all the great stuff we talked about here! =)
over 2 years ago
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- DebiP 1 comment
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Whoops, I came late and have to leave early. Kids getting off the bus. Thanks for the few moments of encouragement and interesting dialog.
over 2 years ago
Brandie
Feel free to keep teh conversation going - I'll be checking myself to see if anything new comes in and I bet a few others will be doing the same thing too! =)
over 2 years ago
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- Morra 3 comments
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Thanks everyone! I have to thank Ellen especially too because through MITM she has taught me to breathe, smile, and have fun with my little one!!
over 2 years ago
Joy
Sooooooo Cute!
over 2 years ago
Emily
Awwwwww, Morra! What a HANDSOME guy!!!!!!! His eyes have such a playful sparkle (especially with the grown-up glasses in hand)! Thank you so so much for ALL your help in making this Talk happen!!!!!!
over 2 years ago
Brandie
What an adorable picture!! I love it =)
over 2 years ago
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- Brandie 12 comments
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Favor please -
If you don't mind, can you all leave your twitter name/blog/website address. It's been such a great chat I want to stalk, err, follow you all some more =)
over 2 years ago
Deborah
@deborahconn @holdinghandz
over 2 years ago
Emily
@emilymcKhann and @TheMotherhood, and Cooper is @coopermunroe
over 2 years ago
parenthacks
I'm @parenthacks and my blog is (surprise!) Parent Hacks at (surprise!) http://www.parenthacks.com
over 2 years ago
MojoMom
You can find me at MojoMom.com, Twitter ID Mojo_Mom. I have a Mojo Mom page on Facebook too,
over 2 years ago
Joy
@JoyCharde
over 2 years ago
MiriamPeskowitz
I'm at miriampeskowitz.com, and @MiriamPeskowitz
over 2 years ago
Brandie
I'm @Brandie185 =)
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
Great idea. Mine is ellengalinsky both on facebook and on twitter. Please follow me so I can follow you.
over 2 years ago
Chrysula
@chrysula and blogging at wlbconsultants.com - and yours?
over 2 years ago
thienkim
I'm blog at I'm Not the Nanny http://www.imnotthenanny.com/ and You can also find me blogging my creative adventures (with and without the kids) at Cup of Creativi-Tea http://www.mycupofcreativitea.com/ My twitter is http://www.twitter.com/thienkim
over 2 years ago
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- Emily 2 comments
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Ellen, Thank you so so so much for an amazing, incredible conversation today!!!!!! It has been pure magic, and we all have enjoyed it enormously! I am going to find a quiet moment and read the entire conversation again at my leisure so I can fully absorb every last word of yours, of the incredible mom bloggers who co-hosted and the wonderful community here in TheMotherhood.
Thank you Morra, Julie (themomslant), Amy (mojomom), Asha (parenthacks), Jo-Lynne and Miriam for co-hosting today! You have created the most welcoming, thoughtful, interesting, insightful, story-filled space for today's conversation and we love you and appreciate your contributions enormously!
Thank you, wonderful women!!!
Everyone is welcome to keep talking. Cooper and I will be in and out all evening - we just didn't want to miss a chance to say thank you to everyone who has made this so great.
Ellen, we look forward to having another Talk with you here in TheMotherhood, and cheering you on as the world continues to catch on to how brilliant your new book is!!!!!!!
over 2 years ago
Joy
Going to back to read too! Thanks again!
over 2 years ago
Ellen Galinsky
My complete pleasure!
over 2 years ago
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- juliepippert 4 comments
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A new interesting article from Ellen:
"What Makes A Parent-Child Relationship Close?"
My thirty-something-year-old daughter recently emailed a colleague of hers and me to introduce us, saying: “there are many overlaps in your work—you really should meet each other.”
So when we finally met (and after we had taken a cell phone photograph of us together to email to my daughter, saying “Mission Accomplished!”), I expected the conversation to begin with our mutual interests in work. It didn’t. My daughter’s colleague launched our conversation by asking:
“I don’t know many people your daughter’s age who are as close to their mothers as your daughter is to you. I have a 10-year-old and would love to have that kind of relationship with my own daughter. Why do you think you are so close?”
“I had that kind of relationship with my own mother,” I answered. “I connect to my daughter the way my mother connected to me.”
“What did she do?” my daughter’s colleague asked.
“I was always free to tell her when things weren’t working between us and why,” I answered.
Read the rest at: http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/what-makes-a-parent-dash-child-relationship-close
about 1 year ago
juliepippert
Awesome story, Deborah! I bet she'd say way to go!
about 1 year ago
Deborah
I would LOVE another chance to pick her brain. That was a GREAT chat. I'm still chewing on all she had to say. I'm wondering if, being as open and honest ( with kindness) with boys would be in the same vain as telling my boys what's not working between us? Last week, the 15 year old said..."don't say it. Don't say 'sweep the floor'. I hate when you tell me to do it. I'd rather do it without you telling me." Oh. Alright. SO I said, "you know what I hated when I was in high school? when the teacher would say, 'now, open your books to page...'". B got up off his chair and hugged me. He says he hates that too. Hates it. We were really cracking up. I wonder what Ellen would say about that exchange? Lord knows I'm trying.
about 1 year ago
juliepippert
That's a great Q. I wonder, as well. I heart Ellen too. I've been pondering her point and question in the article all morning, since reading it.
about 1 year ago
Deborah
Thanks for linking this in, Julie. I really heart Ellen. I think/hope I'm doing this with my sons. You know, without totally sMothering them. So, I'm trying to keep a balance....to honor their boy-ness. I wonder what Ellen saying specifically to moms of boys?
about 1 year ago
We're talking with Ellen Galinsky about her brand new, already bestselling book "Mind in the Making" (it's #1 on Amazon's parenting list) about the seven most important "life skills" for children growing up today. Ellen wants our kids to learn for grades and learn for life. To communicate effectively, work well with diverse groups of people, think outside the box, and be ongoing learners. And to have all that, they need these seven skill: Focus and Self Control; Perspective Taking; Communicating; Making Connections; Critical Thinking; Taking On Challenges; Self-Directed, Engaged Learning. "It may well be the next iconic parenting manual, up there with Spock and Leach and Brazelton, one that parents turn to for reassurance that all is more or less okay, reminders of how to make it better and glimpses of what’s to come." - Lisa Belkin, The New York Times, April 29, 2010 Join the conversation!
