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is dreaming of a beach
We're talking with Ellen Galinsky about her brand new, already bestselling book "Mind in the Making" (it's #1 on Amazon's parenting list) about the seven most important "life skills" for children growing up today. Ellen wants our kids to learn for grades and learn for life. To communicate effectively, work well with diverse groups of people, think outside the box, and be ongoing learners. And to have all that, they need these seven skill: Focus and Self Control; Perspective Taking; Communicating; Making Connections; Critical Thinking; Taking On Challenges; Self-Directed, Engaged Learning. "It may well be the next iconic parenting manual, up there with Spock and Leach and Brazelton, one that parents turn to for reassurance that all is more or less okay, reminders of how to make it better and glimpses of what’s to come." - Lisa Belkin, The New York Times, April 29, 2010 Join the conversation!
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Ellen Galinsky and the Life Skills Every Child Needs
May 03, 2010 Monday, 11:00am EST - Add as Favorites
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TALK HOSTS:
Category:FAMILY
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- amygoslee 19 comments
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How do you manage the fine line between sheltering your child from video games and such but also allowing them to experience the new technology so they aren't in a bubble?
about 1 year ago
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- adivinenature 19 comments
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I am very interested in hearing about developing self-directed skills since kids are organized by activities or directed by school most of the day!
about 1 year ago
adivinenature
Great comments - in the routine department, how old are your kids? I have high schoolers, they set their own routine and the days of homework at the kitchen table are over. They do well monitoring TV but using it as rewards seem a bit over board since they must learn to set this up for themselves. Your thoughts?
about 1 year ago
themomslant
Asha, I do that too! It's partly a matter of helping them see how I handle have-to's/want-to's, but I also do it to demonstrate everything that I do. It's easy for what mom does, especially around the house, to go unseen.
about 1 year ago
Jo-Lynne
Yep, I do that too! They do seem to get occupied pretty fast after that.
about 1 year ago
Brandie
I like the listmaking idea and may steal that for the summer. Often if my kids tell me they are bored, then that means they are free to help me - sweep, dust, vacuum, laundry, etc. It's funny how less often they complain about being bored to me. ;-)
about 1 year ago
parenthacks
Also, modeling. It is too easy for me to do the fun stuff (redesigning my website) before the non fun stuff (paying the bills). I try to let the kids know when I'm making a choice to do my work first. In other words, I talk to myself a lot.
about 1 year ago
parenthacks
Another vote for routine, and for creating subtle gateways of "have to's" that must be passed through on the way to "want to's." Must tread carefully to avoid power struggles with some kids, though. In my house, the power struggle always obliterates whatever lesson I'm trying to teach.
about 1 year ago
Jo-Lynne
I've been doing the same recently. It works SO much better.
about 1 year ago
Chrysula
MojoMom, I do the same thing. Homework and music practice, then the rewards come. No TV Mon-Thu and computer time (for non-school work) has to be earned. Reinforcement is the key :). I have to choose not to get frustrated and avoid nagging - rather simple reminding of their agreed to commitments and privileges. It usually works. But I have to watch my consistency or clearly explain exceptions.
about 1 year ago
thienkim
Emily, that is good to know. I know routine is important for my pre-schoooler. It helps her know what expect. It makes life easier for me too
about 1 year ago
Emily
I was talking recently with a friend who has older kids, and she said the most important element for her was routine. When her kids had routines around homework, they would get right to it, and when those fell away, it became a daily battle to engage them to sit down and do it. So ... we're paying close attention to our daily schedule so it feels solid to my kids.
about 1 year ago
thienkim
I like the kistmaking idea. I will do that with my preschooler
about 1 year ago
Ellen Galinsky
Great idea about finishing homework before TV and computer.
about 1 year ago
MojoMom
I've started using the policy that "you do what you have to do, and then you can do what you want to do." Old school advice that is working for us! TV and computer screen time have to wait until after homework and music practice are completed. That way the whole environment/situation is set up with motivation to finish the homework, without me nagging all the time. I do have to pay attention to reinforcing the rule.
about 1 year ago
Emily
I'd love to layer in the idea of being self-directed around homework! One of my daughters sits down and gets right to without prodding and the other needs much more coaxing. Would love ideas on this too!
about 1 year ago
Morra
When I was considering childcare options a day care guru said to me: my philosophy is, let the toddler do his routine and just make sure he's safe and knows you're there. If that means banging on pots and pans for an hour, great. Let him do his repertoire. I love thinking of my son's repertoire: I'm just there to facilitate and provide encouragement.
about 1 year ago
themomslant
One strategy I've used with my kids is to ask them "what do you think?" questions about what we see - either out and about or at home. It's provoked them to develop new interests (e.g., my oldest now loves anything space-related, even though they haven't studied the topic at school) and make even more observations on their own.
about 1 year ago
ClumberKim
We did something like this over the long holiday vacation last year. On the first day, my husband and kids made a list of all the things they could think of to do, places to go, etc. It worked very, very well.
about 1 year ago
Ellen Galinsky
I do think it is a problem that children are directed by schools most of the time and am working with schools to help them give some time to children for planning and then following through on activities. That is something that I uncovered in talking with the three creators of the early childhood programs that have had the most powerful long term effects. Even if schools don't do this, we can do it as parents. One of the best ideas I had when my son was little was the following. He came to me and said, "I'M BOOOORRRRREEED"--you know that whiny voice. I worked with him to make a list of the things he most liked to do when he was bored and whenever he said that he was bored, we would go to his list and he would select an activity to pursue. Overtime, he didn't come to us as much as entertainment central. Love others to share your ideas about how to help your kids be more self-directed!
about 1 year ago
Emily
I would love to learn about this too - such a great question.
about 1 year ago
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Brandie
In our house I don't know who would play video games more - my husband and I or the kids. I guess the good news is that hubs and I play. So we're ready to jump in with the kids at any time. And I talk a LOT. Not just about what I see in video games, but commercials, tv shows, etc. Right, my kids probably think that I will talk them to death. But I also think the more I talk (and not preach) the better it is. My kids are young enough they aren't asking for violent games though - so that makes it a lot easier on me. I'm sure there will be a day when they want a game that I will probably not even want in my house. That's when it will get tougher. But as someone who enjoys games myself, it can be fun to play with them. When we finally beat the castle in the Mario game after losing 20 lives trying to do it, we giggle, laugh, dance, hug - it's fun! LOL!
about 1 year agoparenthacks
Tracy: the music! HUGE for my kids! My son will search out the music on the Internet just to listen to it. We also went to "Video Games Live" -- a symphonic performance of video game music! The quality approaches some of the best film scores. If it ever comes to your town, GO! http://www.videogameslive.com/
about 1 year agoEllen Galinsky
Such good points. Again, help them become critical thinkers about these games. And let's work together to try to pressure game makers to create better ones for our kids!
about 1 year agoTracy Mayor
@parenthacks, oh I loved Mario (not to play, to watch) -- those made-up worlds are so pretty to look at, and I even like the background music. A lot of video games actually have many positive aspects to them (I wrote an article about this, awhile ago now, for the Boston Globe Magazine). But the M games are another world. I do agree it's important to keep talking -- whenever my son wants to show me something, like some next level or whatever, I do go watch it, just to stay in the mix. But ugh.
about 1 year agomagpie
Ditto - great ideas in here. I struggle with the DS from time to time; right now, my 6yo seems to have forgotten about it, but it'll rear it's little head again soon.
about 1 year agoparenthacks
Tracy: I hear you. I don't WANT to play video games! But my son does want to talk to me about them, so I listen and try to pick up pieces I can talk to him about. I do try to sit with him when he plays every now and then. He loves having an audience, and it helps me see what's so exciting about it to him. (He's 10 and doesn't play violent games...beyond Mario violence, that is.)
about 1 year agoJo-Lynne
Great ideas in this thread. Love it!
about 1 year agoTracy Mayor
Agree completely that talking back to all media and staying current yourself are key -- I email, IM, text, Facebook and Twitter with my sons, depending on what technology they're into at the time (though sparingly, lest I be accused of "being a creeper"). But the video games are a tough circle to break into -- it's a guy bonding thing, so unless you want to start playing Call of Duty with your kid (like he would even let you), you're on the outside. My 16YO plays games I never *dreamed* I'd allow into my home, and I still have deep deep reservations about them, but he's thoughtful and respectful, gets top grades, is totally drug- and alcohol-free, hangs out with equally squeaky clean kids and shows zero inclination towards violence of any kind in real life. I don't really know how to justify the violent games, other than to say we monitor the situation closely and feel like it's a self-contained, if hideous, bubble. But it's a struggle. I look at other moms in his circle of friends and wonder why they're not agonizing over it more...
about 1 year agoMojoMom
In April, my husband called for a month of no television, and I thought it would be really hard but it was actually a great time for our family. (I will admit I watched Lost and Glee late at night, but we had the TV off during normal family hours.)
about 1 year agoChrysula
I am not aloud to bring my iPhone anywhere near the activity. :)
about 1 year agoChrysula
Friday or Saturday nights (we pick one) are either Family Movie Night or Family Game Night and we alternate. We've had so much fun playing games together. As they get older, (I have 4 kids - 1, 3, 5, 7 years) I won't have that option. The most reluctant participant is usually me, and I always end up having a great time.
about 1 year agoEllen Galinsky
So true!
about 1 year agoparenthacks
Also, really upping the non-screen fun quotient. This weekend, my son, who defaults to electronic "fun," really got into building marble block towers with us once 1) we turned on some great music, 2) we got really involved (didn't just expect him to initiate the play), 3) got silly.
about 1 year agoEmily
Morra, that is sooooo true. Technology is here to stay, and that's a very good thing - AND we need our own rules and approaches. This conversation is giving me such good ideas to think about and try with my family! Morra, it is WONDERFUL to be here with you and Ellen and these great great women!!!!
about 1 year agoMojoMom
Morra, I completely agree with you. But I have to say it's an ongoing challenge to see technology creating these new parenting situations I could not have dreamed of 10 years ago. I will admit that some days I think "Wow, I had no idea I was signing up for THIS"--for example, worrying about teens and sexting!
about 1 year agoMorra
Maybe the key is not creating that weird binary world where your kids understand technology and use it and you just throw your hands up. After all, we all love tech and are pretty well-versed ourselves! Love your conversations, Emily!
about 1 year agoEmily
We have long conversations about movies and TV show and how girls and girl/girl and girl/boy relationships are portrayed. Over time, I see my kids getting smarter about the standard story lines and how they don't necessarily match up to real life. I like the idea of layering the same kind of conversation into video games. And involving my kids in buying them.
about 1 year agoEllen Galinsky
We have had this debate about every new technology--TV or no TV, video games or no video games, social media or no social media. These are just tools and we want our children to learn to use them well. So here are some suggestions. 1. Ask kids to help pay for games that are expensive. Help them become good consumers. On our website is a great parent story of having a child save up (mindinthemaking.org). 2. Ask your kids to be critics of the media? Help them learn to think critically. 3. Set rules about things that you think are harmful. 4. Remember that we as parents have enormous consumer power. Look at what happened with Baby Einstein because of consumer complaints. Commonsense media should be a good resource on these issues.
about 1 year agoClumberKim
Thank you for putting it this way! I see many who think it's a black and white issue. Tech, or no tech. It's not realistic or pragmatic.
about 1 year ago