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is dreaming of a beach
Join Kristen Chase and some of our favorite bloggers for a conversation about juggling motherhood and marriage, making time for sex, why is it important and how we can make it a bigger priority. We'll be talking body image, libido, birth control and more. Bring your questions, thoughts, insights and laughs for a great Talk (just in time for Father's Day).
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Talking Relationships, Body Image and Sex with Kristen Chase, The Mominatrix
Jun 14, 2010 Monday, 1:00pm EST - Add as Favorites
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Category:BODY AND SOUL
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- pinkmomofblue 35 comments
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So what do you do if your husband is a legitimately bad lovemaker? A bad kisser even? Me and my husband were both each other's first EVERYTHING right down to kiss. We're the total blind leading the blind, even after 8.5 years of marriage.
about 1 year ago
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- Mominatrix 25 comments
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So let's talk tips here - Flavored lube? Favorite toys? It's hard to ask for recos IRL for those things, so let's do it here!
about 1 year ago
Piper Heiney
Don't get me wrong. I will share generalities (usually no names), e.g. I once dated a guy named "Axel." He was appropriately named.
about 1 year ago
rbscherl
@Piper Heiney and @CK - Many women feel the same way - that sharing the details (positive or not) feels like a betrayal of trust to their partner.
about 1 year ago
HeadlessMom
OK, in that case, it's called "Just Like Me" from a company called Slumber Parties. It comes in regular and watermelon flavored (maybe others?) you can google the company and order online. I have a rep that I order from. you use it once and if you want to keep going just add a little water or saliva and it gets slip-slidey again, so a bottle lasts forever. I'm a big fan of the company and their creams/lubes/toys. Ladies, if you have a chance to have a party, do. It's the hardest I've laughed in, well, ever. Thanks for a great chat, all!
about 1 year ago
rbscherl
@DaveMcQueen and @HeadlessMom- no worries. Anything that contributes to a women's sexual satisfaction is important.
about 1 year ago
Mominatrix
Headless - I think you can mention it! It was brought up in conversation and also Zestra is not necessarily a lube but rather a natural female enhancement (to put it gently).
about 1 year ago
Piper Heiney
CK, actually, I think much of this is generational. Speaking as technically a Baby Boomer, much of my generation is "uptight." Younger women, I've found, have much less problem talking about toys, positions, hang-ups, masturbation. We talked about toys last week at our bookclub gathering, and we range in age from 40-63. But I have NEVER experienced a conversation when we talked about size or details of a particular experience (generalities, maybe), and personally, I think that's unfair to your partner.
about 1 year ago
HeadlessMom
@DaveMcQueen I feel uncomfortable talking about a specific product by a company other than our sponsor here. Emily, or another talk expert, can one of you tell me what the protocol is here?
about 1 year ago
Nancy_Horn
Thanks Kristen, I will check it out -- going for school pickup. Bye everyone.
about 1 year ago
Mamagirl
There are awesome candles made out of soy. You light the candles and they give a great aroma to the air. The soy wax doesn't get too hot - you can pour it over each other and use it then as a massage lotion. It moisturizes the skin. It's fun and hot.
about 1 year ago
CK
@momi and @rbscherl -- So women at a younger age, discussing the most detailed stories about their experiences (his size, what happened, what they did do, what they didn't do, playing "practicing" games WITH EACH OTHER.. etc..) as teenagers... .. turns into avoidance of the subject, later in life? Huh. Interesting...
about 1 year ago
Dave McQueen
What is the name of this magical lube that regenerates itself? When I've used them I've been very disappointed
about 1 year ago
ChatterBox
How about we just talk...period! And for the most part, no subject is off limits. At least that's how it is for me and my gal-pals.
about 1 year ago
rbscherl
CK- You would be surprised at how few women talk to their female friends about sexual satisfaction. They talk about relationships, kids, family, life, work - but not necessarily better desire, arousal and satisfaction.
about 1 year ago
HeadlessMom
@Mominatrix actually the one we use is totally ok as a lube and ingested. And? totally regenerates itself when you get it wet again. Multi-purpose!
about 1 year ago
Mominatrix
Nancy - Sorry I missed your first post. I get incredibly uncomfortable in my latter half of pg, so I'd try sex toys. I'm not a huge fan of intercourse in the 3rd tri - it's very uncomfy - however, clitoral stimulation can be great. Toys toys toys! Lelo is great, as Redneckmommy said. Lots of great ones out there. Babeland.com, GoodVibrations.com Warming lube can be bad.
about 1 year ago
rbscherl
I like Zestra (www.zestra.com/passion) so much I bought the company (really)!!!!
about 1 year ago
Mominatrix
Nancy - Check my Valentine's Day guide - here's my Father's Day Guide: http://www.imperfectparent.com/mominatrix/fathers-day-gift-guide.php I haven't tried Zestra yet, Tamsen - I blame pregnancy and a traveling husband (argh) but I've heard great things! And CK - not really. It's one of those things where we might complain about it - but we're never really like "OMG I got the coolest sex toy..." Hope that didn't ruin a fantasy (LOL).
about 1 year ago
Redneck Mommy
My husband and I enjoy the Lelo series of toys. We avoid warming lube like the plague. After one incident of incinerating our bits, we've learned our lesson.
about 1 year ago
Tamsen Fadal
massage candles: http://www.jimmyjane.com/shop/candles-c-43.html lube: http://www.zestra: www.zestra.com/passion = a great saturday night!
about 1 year ago
CK
Ok. I just learned something. I thought women had these discussions openly amongst friends. Or do I just keep really open female friends?
about 1 year ago
Nancy_Horn
Plan to try Zestra too, but really need things to spice up!
about 1 year ago
Mominatrix
It's okay, Headless Mom - good reco - and keep in mind - you don't want these lubes IN you. Most are sugar free these days - but still. They taste like a diet soda.
about 1 year ago
Nancy_Horn
I know Zestra is sponsoring, but I'm almost 8 months pregnant with #3 and zero libido, anything else I can use/do?
about 1 year ago
Mominatrix
Couples toys - (people can google :) The Bo (for men) The Sasi (for women) Flavored lube makes giving [you know what] much more enjoyable - I think for both parties. What else am I missing?
about 1 year ago
HeadlessMom
My husband's fave lube is watermellon flavored. (He'd kill me if he knew I said that on the internet!
about 1 year ago
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Piper Heiney
Love all the feedback on pole dancing. I've been thinking about it for a year or so, mostly as another form of exercise. But hearing that it makes you feel more confident, well ... nothing's sexier than confidence, right?
about 1 year agoMamagirl
Role Mommy----I have taken my mother to watch me. She wanted to see what made me so happy, confident and excited every week. She was apprehensive about going, but afterwards, she said it was "beautiful movement, like Cirque du Soliel". She expected it to be smutty and was surprised by how mesmerizing it was to watch. I have also taken her to pole dancing performances in the Meat Packing district of NYC. It's pretty funny to wait on line with my 72 year old mother to get into a performance, but she is a good sport, chatting with all the hipsters.
about 1 year agoRoleMommy
I keep hearing about pole dancing and had a conversation with a friend's younger sister about it yesterday. Her mom was at the table too and I told her I might try out a class with her daughter, to which she replied: "Great, I'll go see your recital." Had to share that story...I'm still laughing about it 24 hours later!
about 1 year agoBrandie
Never tried pole dancing - I did do the lap dance video (it was a valentine's gift to my hubs) - I memorized it and did it. I got the video through netflix. I can't get out of the house to do classes like that. I admit, it was fun, and hubs enjoyed it!
about 1 year agoBrandie
Here's what I think - you are uncomfortable with your own body. If you aren't comfortable with it, then he won't be either. He's probably picking up on it and afraid to try new things thinking you are afraid. I know, I know it's hard to get over that and not be self-conscious or nervous, or whatever, but if you can jump that hurtle - it will be soooooooooo worth it. Sex should be fun, it should be enjoyable and it should feel good. And you aren't going to feel any less self-conscious or awkward just thinking about it - you need to push through it and do. And then do it again, and again and again and soon enough it will become normal and it will be a wonderful thing. And so you don't often wear frilly clothes - do it one night, but then tell your husband I'll do this if you try this. It is going to be strange at first! But seriously, try it. And I know it's hard, but you have to learn your body first so you can teach it to him.
about 1 year agoinkscrblr
Really? A workout? Huh..interesting. I may have to take a closer look at that. I still think for me working out on my own at the gym or doing Yoga once a week is the best aphrodisiac. Sounds funny right? But when I feel good about myself and take time for myself and feel confident and strong then that is sexy.
about 1 year agoMominatrix
Paula - YES - it's super fun. Though pole dancing was definitely hard for me - weak upper body. It's much more challenging - get a couple of girlfriends and go. YOu'll have a blast!
about 1 year agoNina Restieri
Kristen is right, pole dancing makes you feel instantly hot, not matter your age/weight. Chair is great too. Whatever works for you!
about 1 year agoMominatrix
Pink - if you're looking to just tighten up the baby tummy (Sorry, I don't know the extent of body issues) but I do have a fitness blog I started when I was trying to lose the last 40 lbs of my baby weight: http://www.theshredheads.com - Doing the 30 Day Shred (2o minutes of working out a day) changed my life - not just my butt and tummy, but my sex life too!
about 1 year agoMamagirl
I'm 41 yrs old and I have been pole dancing for 4 years. I have a pole in my living room - it is the first thing that people see when they walk in my house. It is the most empowering thing I have ever done for myself in my life. I love it and doubt I will give it up. Plus, I am raising two sons who think having a pole in their living room is normal - and I'm pretty confident that they will grow up with a very healthy respect for all women.
about 1 year agoChatterBox
I felt more confident chair dancing
about 1 year agoChatterBox
Yeah, Lorraine - chair is better (and safer) than the pole to me. Plus if you hurt yourself, you can come up with a better explanation for a chair to the paramedics
about 1 year agoMominatrix
I think what's interesting about Pole Dancing is that at first, for me any way, it was not sexual. It was a WORKOUT - HARD CORE. I think once you get good at it, it can be hot. If you want instant hot (and a little easier on the arms and upper body) the chair dancing was great. I know a lot of people disapprove, but I think both can be really great! Especially when you're not feeling so sexy. It's hard to feel sexy when you're chasing after kids all day (or even part of the day!)
about 1 year agoinkscrblr
What?! Really, I don't know if I could do pole dancing at 40ish. I would feel way too self conscious.
about 1 year agopinkmomofblue
Thanks for the input all. I think maybe I need to look inward for a while, but when I'm ready to look outward, there are some great suggestions here. :)
about 1 year agoNina Restieri
I wrote on my blog recently that I want every mom to try pole dancing, to experience that empowerment and confidence and sensuality. Needless to say it did not go over well with all of our readers....
about 1 year agoNina Restieri
Pole dancing class makes you feel so sexy and powerful and confident. It has been life changing for me. It does not matter your size or shape, every woman looks beautiful doing it. You get in touch with your body and your curves and develop a new appreciation for yourself. Learning the sensual movement makes you feel hot all the time, not just when you are in class. Not to mention, my hubby REALLY likes the outfits.....
about 1 year agopinkmomofblue
Brandie, great to hear from another "one and only" who knows where I'm coming from. Honestly I would feel like an idiot to role play, and I'm too self conscious to put his hand anywhere or show him how I want something. I think I'm narrowing this all down to utter self-consciousness and bewilderment on my part. My hub is always telling me to put on girly, frilly, clothes. But I'm a total prep geek. My uniform is a grey v-neck sweater and jeans. Can't you just tell how red hot I am? Hahahaha.
about 1 year agoRedneck Mommy
I took my husband to a spa once...had a couples massage and a private room. It was totally hot. And unexpected. Sometimes just trying something new is all it takes to reignite the flames.
about 1 year agoHeadlessMom
We spiced up-and thus improved!- our sex life with new lotions and toys. I was really hesitant! But start slow and with something like a new cream/lube, then as you get more and more comfortable with that kind of thing you can graduate to other toys. You might be surprised at how he 'improves' with some coaxing to try new things!
about 1 year agoErin
I took a pole dancing class, and it actually had the opposite effect. I was the biggest girl there, and surrounded by mirrors, and my husband thought it was weird. So it was a moral deflator for sure.
about 1 year agoLorraine
I like the chair better than the pole. Smiles! Big fun!
about 1 year agoChatterBox
Yep! Way too much fun!
about 1 year agoTamsen Fadal
i agree with the visuals! and if you are not porn ready some other movies that are sexy: The Lover, Kama Sutra: A Tale Of Love and also recommend: Sex Deck (a game to spice things up in the bedroom)
about 1 year agoMominatrix
I think Nina could share a bit about Pole Dancing! Lorraine, Christie and I took a chair dancing class and it was HOT.
about 1 year agoMominatrix
You won't offend! What about romance novels (erotic) - is that too "over the top" for you? Check out the site and see - you can download a free short story. Yes, size difference (in all forms) can be challenging. Even the sex deck (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Deck-Playful-Positions-Spice/dp/0811853578) might be good. I think you just need some new ideas. Also, try a sex pillow? Liberator.com - they're not crazy - just wedge pillows that help change positions. My husband is shorter than I am, so anything standing up is a big challenge and THESE HELP!
about 1 year agoEmily
A friend swears by her pole dancing class.
about 1 year agoBrandie
Speak up - tell him what you like, what you need, what feels good and what feels bad. If you don't tell him he won't know! Move his hand for him if you need to. And as Kristen said, take some time to figure out for yourself what you like/need/want so you can tell him. Ask him to do the same. It might feel awkward at first - but it's so worth it. BTDT (dh is my one and only too!) Sometimes people will ask if I've only slept with one person how do I know the sex is good - seriously, you know. Just like you know when it isn't so good. So experiment, talk, and figure out what feels good and then run with it ;-)
about 1 year agoMominatrix
And keep in mind, role play doesn't have to mean big time costumes (though that might help - you never know), even if it's you wearing an oxford shirt and heels and bossing him around a little - that can be fun!
about 1 year agopinkmomofblue
We're not open to porn, which hopefully doesn't get me flamed here. So we tried an instructional book here and there. But we're physically not terribly well suited to each other. I'm taller, and he's I think smaller than average.
about 1 year agoLorraine
Redneck Mommy is on to something here. Role play with him ... you can be the teacher and show him how you'd like it. I'm willing to bet he won't complain.
about 1 year agoErin
the site clitical I found was helpful in this department, and female friendly
about 1 year agoRedneck Mommy
Have you tried watching a porn together? Sometimes the visuals help. Plus, my husband is FANTASTIC at taking instruction. Just call me TEACHER. Wink.
about 1 year agoLorraine
I would think some videos might come in handy here. Learning some new tricks and techniques? I'm just sayin' ...
about 1 year agoMominatrix
I'd get some porn. Read some books (both erotic romance novels AND "how to" books. A little "education" can go a long way. http://www.ravenousromance.com - seriously, they're e-books - under $5 - and you'll get some great ideas :) But as far as porn goes, you can try Youporn[dot]com (won't link that, Emily) which is free - keep in mind some people don't like amateurs because they don't know the consent level - but it's free and quick and there are professionals on there. Also, there are tons of great female-friendly porn out there. If anything, it will give you some ideas on how to change things up, things to say,e tc. Also, experiment on yourself and find out what you like so you can translate that.
about 1 year ago