Please fill in the required fields.Thank you for suggesting a talk topic!
We appreciate your thoughts in making our community even better.
Log in with Facebook
Log in with Twitter
Sign up for The Motherhood
Your password needs to be 6 or more characters.
Already a Member? Log In
Log in with Facebook
Log in with Twitter
Log into The Motherhood
Not a Member? Sign Up
By clicking “Accept,” you acknowledge that you agree to The Motherhood's Terms of Service, Privacy and Copyright Policies.
can't believe how fast it goes
Lucy Danziger, editor in chief of Self magazine, and women's-health psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf, authors of The Nine Rooms of Happiness, will lead a Talk on happiness and the nagging things that keep us from being happy. We will look at the metaphor of a house, where each room corresponds to a different part of your life: the bedroom for love and intimacy, the family room for grown siblings and parents, the bathroom for body image, health, and vanity, the living room for friends, the office for bills, career and so on. Join us for a GREAT conversation!
-
The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections
Feb 08, 2011 Tuesday, 12:00pm EST - Add as Favorites
-
TALK HOSTS:
FEATURED GUESTS:
Category:BODY AND SOUL
-
Talk Host
- Lucy Danziger 35 comments
-
Hi guys! Lucy here. I am online to hear what everyone is thinking about: what is making you UNHAPPY today, when everything should be going well?
about 1 year ago
-
Featured Guest- Christine Koh 21 comments
-
Catherine and Lucy, can we discuss letting go of life's imperfections? (Says the perfectionist who has undergone a considerable amount of therapy to work on letting go...) :-)
about 1 year ago
Talk Host
Lucy Danziger
Go on the NineRooms.com and post your Mess of the Day. And we will skype into your book club and help you clean up your MESS in any room.
about 1 year ago
If you have a "pearl" to share, or want to tell us how the Nine Rooms of Happiness has helped you, share that. We may even send you a free book to give to a pal!
Talk Host
Lucy Danziger
It's practically impossible to have all your rooms neat and tidy at the same time. One mess crops up while you're cleaning another. But that's not the point. The real goal is to be happier, or content, or feel gratitude, even when the little messes exist around you. Not to let those rob your overall emotional well being. That there are messes is just a reality, a part of life. Being happy despite the messes is the point.
about 1 year ago
Talk Host
Lucy Danziger
Sometimes people ask me: How do you do it all? I joke that I lower my standards. But it's not a joke. In the book TNROH we write that being "good enough" as a mom or a person is sometimes all you can hope for in that moment. But trying to be perfect is a type of trap. You may think you're being perfect but you may actually be over-doing it. You can leave your kids to entertain themselves on a snow day (maybe after a sledding trip to the park) and they will be more creative than if you did all the entertaining for them. They'll write a song, draw a picture, make a fort out of pillows. free time for kids is as important as structured activities. It teaches them to look inside themselves to find the resilience and resources to do something unique and new... and become independent. Which is what you want in the end, right?
about 1 year ago
Stephanie
Since having kids, my perfectionist ways have bent quite a bit - but that doesn't mean it doesn't get to me still. I do like thinking that I have "chilled out" a bit, but I think I need more of that too!
about 1 year ago
@Lucy - I am definitely going to try to remember that productive can be downtime. I often forget that.
Talk Host
Lucy Danziger
I am hearing the perfectionist vibe here. We want to be productive even in down time and we need to learn that being productive CAN BE downtime. MEaning just thinking and letting the mind wander and breathe and create is itself a productive act. The regeneration we all need. Sometimes we take care of the dishes and the laundry and forget" those things are not meant to last forever. But our bodies need our attention as do our "spirits" and we need to give ourselves the time to think and be free to be ourselves. That can happen while you're doing something mindless like vacuuming or it may require you to get away from the physical mess and into a calmer space. A yoga class or a pool, for me, usually removes me enough from my mess on the desk that I can think. Try something restorative. Tell yourself you don't need to have something to show for that hour. A new outlook is enough!
about 1 year ago
GCW
Have a nice day all! Off to get a few things done before I'm out the door getting kids to appointments.
about 1 year ago
robin
I am totally a "recovering perfectionist"...really interested in this topic
about 1 year ago
GCW
I'm the mom of 2. Ages 11 and 7. My 7 yr daughter is a survivor of ALL Leukemia. I'm in year 2 post treatment and working on clutter busting my home and focusing on learning to breathe again.
about 1 year ago
Glennia
@Momtrends I am usually like that, too, and realize that I never get anything finished that way, so I am working on one at a time!
about 1 year ago
StacieinAtlanta
Good question!
about 1 year ago
Featured Guest
Momtrends
Glennia--I wish I had the focus to be in one room at a time--I'm a total buzzing bee.
about 1 year ago
Stacey Sao
Oh - believe me - I can relate to being a screamy-loud-anxious-constantly worrying mama Brandie! This "Letting Go" thing might be just what I need. :)
about 1 year ago
Brandie
I learned to let go with the 3rd kid. Because it got to be too much. And I turned into screamy-loud-anxious-constantly worrying mama that expected perfection from her (still very little) kids. It just didn't make sense and was ruining the family. So I let it go. Life isn't perfect, but it sure is much more fun nad relaxing this way.
about 1 year ago
Glennia
I feel like I can only work on one room at a time. Just like in my house!
about 1 year ago
Featured Guest
Christine Koh
Absolutely Kim. Like laundry, for example, which I don't even bother folding anymore. On second thought, that chore wasn't terribly hard to let go of. :-)
about 1 year ago
Featured Guest
Christine Koh
Well put Catherine. And certainly, not all of my rooms are tidy -- physically or metaphorically. :-)
about 1 year ago
kdc521
I joke that I used to be a "Type A" personality...UNTIL I had kids. They have taught me to "let go" more than anything!
about 1 year ago
C Birndorf
It's not easy for any of us! That's for sure. But not all 9 rooms in the house need to be neat and tidy emotionally to find pleasure in what IS going right in your life.
about 1 year ago
Featured Guest
Christine Koh
I'm a former scientist and I think a key to this is "collecting data." As in, you experiment with things not being perfect and you see that it works out OK in the end. That has helped me a lot in my letting go journey.
about 1 year ago
kdc521
Me too!
about 1 year ago
Erin O
I feel you on this one, Christine.
about 1 year ago
Sign Up For Our Newsletter 
©The Motherhood 2012
Talk Host
Lucy Danziger
What i think we all have to be better at is learning to say YES to what we love in life, and what we need to say NO to that is depleting and destructive to our health and happiness. We need to learn that you are valuable and important and your health and happiness matter and take care of yourself. The airlines tell you to put your oxygen mask on first. If you collapse you're no good to anyone else around you. So learn that knowiing your limits is a good thing... Learn to say no thank you when you need to get sleep, get to the gym, and take care of yourself.
about 1 year agoBrandie
Anxiety - when it gets to be too much, I talk to someone - a friend, a therapist, all of the above. The thing is the more you try to avoid it, the worst it actually becomes. One of the best ways I can cope with my anxiety is to carve out 10 minutes and just feel it all. I mean really let myself feel it. Even if it leaves me crying, upset, sad. But here's the cool part, once it's out, it's out. Then it's over, or not always over at least under control. Sometimes when I let myself really sit and feel it and I go to that WORST CASE SCENARIO - I actually end up laughing because once I've thought about, the worst case isn't so bad afterall. And so then I've gained perspective. IT's a wonderful thing! =)
about 1 year agoSarah Caron
That's a really super question. What has me unhappy today is the demands (which are in excess this year) of taking care of a house -- there is so much that you don't think of when you purchase, and it feels like it's all catching up to us now and I am constantly trying to get ahead of all the work.
about 1 year agoEmily
Great question, Jo!
about 1 year agojo
I find that I'm just really anxious lately. Anxious about where my daughter will go to kindergarten next year; anxious about my son's speech delays...and this all bleeds into anxiety at my job. How do most people cope with anxiety?
about 1 year agoMyMomShops
My usual- raising two special needs kids on my own as a divorced mom. Every day is tough- it is an adjustment to our "new normal."
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Christine Koh
Jen, try not to be hard on yourself. Remind yourself continually that you are doing the best that you can in a given moment.
about 1 year agoBrandie
My unhappy: I have a cold, cough, runny noise, my voice is 100% gone. I'm writing notes to my family today. Blurgh.
about 1 year agokdc521
The 10th room sounds lovely. I need to find one!
about 1 year agoJen Esquivel
Hi guys, I'm a new mom of a premie and what's making me unhappy today(and lately) is that I'm going back to work in March and dreading it! I've already started working from home part-time and that's hard as it is (feeling like I'm ignoring him). I need a room to leave the guilt!
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Momtrends
Here's to the 10th room. I love it. Mine is going to be clutter free and have fresh flowers (peonies of course).
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Kelly Hancock
Momtrends - It is like a little gift to get a canceled appt! It is like I have just been granted a little time slot all for myself. :)
about 1 year agoC Birndorf
Do you have a place or space where you can sanction your "down time" or in the book, we call it the 10th Room...the place (metaphysically speakiing) you can go to think, be, recharge.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Christine Koh
Agree with Lucy. The days where I start out with something just for me (e.g., yoga), I am more focused and energized and happy through the rest of the day.
about 1 year agoTalk Host
Lucy Danziger
Time and being super busy is the theme I'm hearing. You ARE busy and you wish you had more time for you. When you can, try to schedule in an hour JUST FOR YOU! It many be at the beginning of the day, before things get rolling (and snowballing out of control) or at the end of the day, before you get sucked into the vortex called "home" but in any case take that hour and do something you really love. A walk, a spin class, read a book, do yoga, needlepoint, window shop, take photographs, Write in your journal. whateve it is, do something that brings you joy. They when the day starts to spin out of control, you'll be able to withstand the drama. You'll feel centered and more equipped to cope. It's the TENTH ROOM, meaning where you get to go and think and be authentically yourself. Get there every day and spend time on you. The rest of the world will still be waiting for you when you emerge. But YOU will feel so much stronger and happier.
about 1 year agoGlennia
Lucy, thanks for that. There are good things about my job (helping people with cancer get the latest & greatest treatments). When I think of it in terms of "I'm helping cure cancer" it is much better than when I think of it as "I'm here to push paper."
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Momtrends
Kelly & Christine, is there nothing better than a canceled apt. and free time! Love it when that happens.
about 1 year agoTalk Host
Lucy Danziger
Okay I'm hearing: IT'S THE JOB, and the office is the mess. Lets tawk... If I were in a miserable job or one that just annoys me and feels like it's not going anywhere, I'd have to think: WHAT ARE THE GOOD THINGS? the paycheck, for sure, since it affords me the things I like to do outside of work. The people? if you like even one or two people at work then focus on them. The location? maybe it's in your hometown and you don't WANT to move far away to have that dream job. Think about what's right.
about 1 year agoGot it? Now think about what you want to change... We say in TNROH that "Not to decide is to decide" which essentially means if you're STAYING with a job there is a reason. Maybe it's to be close to home. focus on that benefit and tell yourself there is real reward there. But we also say: Go or GROW... meaning go along with the status quo or take a leap of faith and a risk and grow into the next thing. You only live once. Make it worth your while. Time, after all is the real commodity. you can always make more money and have more stuff. Remember: you can never get back time. If the job isn't worth your time. I'd say: Grow.
Featured Guest
Kelly Hancock
Christine - I agree, I try to pack most appointments in one day and move from there, to give myself as much time of unscheduled work as possible.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Kelly Hancock
My biggest stressor these days is unfinished projects that seem to go on and on... I like a bit of closure, hence all my "to do" lists, that I can cross off. Many things these days that are NOT getting crossed off.
about 1 year agoJamieMKE
What makes me unhappy? Feeling like I always need to be productive. Even during weekends/"downtime."
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Christine Koh
Nicole -- I recommend trying to keep at least 1 day free of appts each week. Helps enormously to have time to focus and feel more calm.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Kelly Hancock
My day has gotten sidetracked with sick kiddos. Makes staying on schedule a bear!
about 1 year agoTalk Host
Lucy Danziger
I know it's easy to let the exterior things get you down: the weather, the number in the bank account or scale, the fact that we all wish we could find more energy, free time and do what we love. Here is the truth: we can find the happiest part of what is going right, and make THAT the thing that brings everything else UP... so for me it's helping women think about their lives in a way that brings you more joy, less stress. That isn't' the same as less conflict. Just today I had conflict and I realize: it's part of life, it's okay to be upset with someone you love, it's what makes the good times better.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Christine Koh
Jennifer, I'm a big fan of to do lists that have really small, tangible things on it, which often are components of larger projects. Checking things off helps me feel happy!
about 1 year agoGlennia
Work! My job is in utter chaos due to a systems change and we're told to "hang in there." This has been going on for months. The chaos spills over into other aspects of my life too often.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Momtrends
Jennifer--I'm with you. The work clutter is so tricky. Lucy, HELP!
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Momtrends
An overpacked schedule makes me unhappy. Is this the price of being a mom and a business owner?
about 1 year agoErin O
Oh, Jamie! I'm from WI originally, so I know exactly where you're coming from. I hope the groundhog was right about that early spring.
about 1 year agoC Birndorf
We love that quote, "wherever you go, there you are"...so while the warm weather could make a difference for your level of happiness initially, you'll acclimate and find those same old things that make you unhappy. SO like Lucy just said, what's really making you unhappy??
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Jennifer James
Hi Lucy. I alway get stuck in a rut and never get all of my projects complete. It's hard for me to see through the clutter. Any tips? Should I pay more attention to my workspace?
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Christine Koh
Since the weekend, I've been wrestling with sorting out logistics for later this week. Expended a lot of energy and frustration. And then the problem solved itself (due to a rescheduling) and I felt unhappy about wasting all of that energy in the first place.
about 1 year agoEmily
Hi Lucy! Car troubles put a big crimp on my morning.
about 1 year agoJamieMKE
I hear you, Erin! We have sub-zero temps today in Milwaukee.
about 1 year agoErin O
It's freezing here!!! I went outside this morning and the doors of my car were iced shut. I guess the solution is to move to a warmer climate? :)
about 1 year ago