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Judith Warner (author of Perfect Madness; We've Got Issues; and New York Times columnist) is thinking about writing a book on what it's like for mothers these days to transition from being the center of their kids' lives to whatever comes next as kids hit the tween and teen years and don't need us as much.
Part of the idea is that when we were growing up, many mothers used that time to embark on new undertakings - go back to school, start a new business, try a new hobby - but we're of a different generation with a changed economic environment, and our own expectations, interests, responsibilities. There is no road map for us or real understanding of how other mothers are thinking about this major life shift.
Come share your thoughts, stories and questions as we talk about this important and fascinating topic with Judith.


wildgeese
I love this quote from Jean Luc Goddard and I think it applies to dealing with teenagers who I agree, still really need us. “...all the dragons in our lives are perhaps princesses expecting us to be handsome and brave. All the terrifying things are perhaps nothing but helpless things waiting for us to help them.”
about 1 year agoChristine
Tracy that "position" thing is beautiful. It made me cry. I've never heard that...
about 1 year agoEmily
Tracey, I'm so glad to hear that. My oldest is turning 11 and I just hope the side-by-side time works for us when it comes.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
traceyclark
tracy, that was so well put. i'm in the side by side moment with my 13 year old and i have to say, it's blissful. it's a rewarding and satisfying time for me as a mother.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
ThisFullHouse
Good point, Emily -- Debbie, that is horrible!
about 1 year agoEmily
Debbie, lucky that you even knew about it so you could get it taken down. Less involved moms not know it's happening.
about 1 year agomagpie
Debbie, that's horrible!
about 1 year agoBrandie
Oh Debbie - that's awful. :(
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Gray Matter
Oh God Debbie, that's horrible.
about 1 year agoTalk Host
Judith Warner
Yes, I agree entirely. That deeply affects mine, too.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Gray Matter
Tracy and Kristin--EXACTLY!
about 1 year agoDebbie Stier
Re "out of my league" with the social issues.....I feel that very much too. I"m dealing with a situation right now where a girl at school made a profile of my daughter and another girl on a porn site. And she used my daughter's real name and address -- but it was linked to her email address. I've gotten it taken down, but these types of issues are way beyond my experience.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Gray Matter
I remember when my son was young a good friend of mine said, "You think when they get older is the time to do your own thing because they don't need you so much." Sitters can help with babies, but only you can deal with a teen. THAT'S when you need to be home after school and at night. So that affects my "what's next" internal argument.
about 1 year agoKristin
I so agree. And I am frightened by the idea of not being around for the angst of teenagedom (not to mention the trouble they could get it) while also loving the idea of going back to work.
about 1 year agoTracy Mayor
It's the "position" analogy -- first you lead, then you parent side-by-side with your child, then you drop back and parent from the rear. My high schooler, he's already out in front of us, but he still needs a lot of encouragement and guidance from behind. My middle schooler, we're side-by-side right now. It's a great time, frankly. Tricky but enjoyable.
about 1 year agoBrandie
Little ones are so physically draining. Thos are the days I want to run away screaming at the top of my lungs because some days just feel like I. Can't. Do. Anymore.
about 1 year agoBut as my 11yo gets older and she needs me emotionally, it's easier for me to stay grounded and be there to listen and to give her a hug. I think I do better with that too. I imagine as she goes through teen years, the emotional side will require me to give more. But the physical stuff kills me. Sucks me dry in so many ways that the emotional (at least thus far) has not.
Debbie Stier
I AGREE TOO! I often feel with my kids (especially 13 year old daughter) that she might as well be driving with a bottle of tequila. Her confidence and independence would be *fine* if she could handle it. BELIEVE ME, I'm ready to let go! But she feels like she needs more guidance than ever. Strange paradox as they become independent.
about 1 year agoErin O
I'm nearing 30 and still need my parents for emotional guidance ... as well as for practical things like cooking advice, tax advice (ugh), etc. I don't need them on a daily basis, necessarily, like a small child might. But I still need them.
about 1 year agoDeborah
As our kids grow....so do we. I am not the mom I was 16 years ago. We've all grown from what we needed/provided then to what we need/provide now.
about 1 year agoTalk Host
Judith Warner
Yes, I agree the need is different as they get older. Less physically taxing -- you're not picking them up all the time -- but more psychologically so. And I've also had the experience, as my kids get older, of feeling like I'm out of my league -- when they encounter social challenges, for example, that I STILL don't know how to handle. I am struck more and more, though, by how much daughters at my older daughter's age (13 going on 14) seem to depend upon their mothers for a sense of how to be in the world (whether they recognize that or not.)
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
traceyclark
i meant, "than I was to my babies".
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
ThisFullHouse
Sometimes, I wish for those baby days back. Thinking back on it now, I felt more sure of myself as a mother. Weird?
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
traceyclark
i feel like i'm better at tending to the needs of my older kids thanks I was to my babies. i'm not sure why that is. have any of you experienced that or the opposite?
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
Alphamom
i agree. my son is younger than yours, Betsy but I am more emotionally drained by his needs than I am physically. And that's because he still needs more than ever.
about 1 year agoFeatured Guest
LittleJacket
I found that I was doing just find until my older one turned 13...then I was out of my league...so they do need you--but they don't want you to appear as if they are the center of your life! Does that make sense?
about 1 year agoBrandie
Umm ... we recently had a medical scare with my 5 year old. They had to run (among several others) a test to see if further testing was needed to check for cancer. I called husband first, but then, I picked up the phone and bawled my eyes out to my mom. Because who else could I call. I was freaking out?
about 1 year agoI tend to think my kids will emotionally always need me. It just doesn't happen on a minute by minute basis, as it does when they are little.
Featured Guest
traceyclark
It's just such a different kind of need. less for survival, more for guidance. don't you think?
about 1 year agoDeborah
I'm in the same thought-camp as you Gray Matter Ma.
about 1 year ago