The Motherhood

In the fourth and final class of Unilever-sponsored Tween Academy on October 11, 2011, TheMotherhood community crowded in to discuss how they could help their tweens build a healthy sense of confidence.

Class host Rosalind Wiseman, parenting expert and New York Times bestselling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, emphasized the fact that as parents, it seems like we are constantly doing something for our children. However, one of the most important things that we can do is to help them develop self-esteem.

Six blogger co-hosts and a number of participants joined Rosalind for the hour-long class.  Co-host Sarah at Mar Vista Mom expressed the moms’ sentiments succinctly: “This is a very important subject to me.”

Tween Academy has ended, but to continue talking tweens, you can visit Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat

Fostering Self-Esteem

Reinforce what makes them unique. During the tween years, your child will start to feel a greater need to belong and conform to be like their friends. While we want our kids to have friends, remind them of their strengths and the things that which make them special. For those tweens who try to be more like their friends instead of themselves, 70 percent admit that going back to school is stressful, compared to 49 percent of those kids who stay true to who they are.

Be mindful in family situations, too.  Amanda at Parenting by Dummies said of her sons, “My husband tends to compare them to himself as a child & I have to remind him that they are NOT him. They are their own people.”

Be unwavering in your support. When children are confident of their parents’ love, admiration and respect, it will be easier for them to develop the solid self-esteem that they need to grow up happy and emotionally healthy.

“We are big on family dinners here. I also try to do things with my kids as individuals as much as possible,” said Kim at Crafty Mama of 4. “A little extra attention from mom and/or dad goes a long way to making a kid feel special.”

Be a good role model. Tweens learn to have healthy self-esteem by watching adults around them demonstrate healthy self-esteem. Try and avoid negative self-comments and watch the positive impact that it will not only have on you – but your child too!

Don’t let your own self-esteem issues from the tween years get in the way of helping your kids deal with their separate issues.  When facing this dilemma, Rosalind Wiseman says to herself, “You are not Elijah” or “You are not Roane.”  Then, “I remember my definition of self-esteem: confidence, competence, and connectedness in fairly equal measure.”

Leading by Example

Rosalind Wiseman made the point that demonstrating high self-esteem is the best way to help our kids develop confidence.

“One of the first and best ways is to look at how you yourself talk about things,” said Jenn at Frugal Upstate. “Do you lament being fat, or use a lot of negative verbiage when talking about yourself? If you do, then you are setting that example for your kids.”

Kayla S added, “When you have more than one child, you need to make sure you’re treating them differently. They aren’t the same person and one isn’t going to be good at the same things the other one is. I think that’s really important for self-esteem as well … for them to know they are their own person and they aren’t going to be compared to their sibling.”

Self-Esteem with Different Siblings

When you have children who are close in age with very different talents, it can create a crisis of self-esteem for one or more of them and a difficult situation for you.

“My oldest is having a hard time with his self esteem and school/sport performance,” said Amanda at Parenting by Dummies. “We are feeling uncomfortable about praising our other children when they do well because it makes him feel worse, it seems.”

“I would focus on specific things the older one is doing that you can point to as doing better – including how hard something was for him and now is incrementally better,” replied Rosalind Wiseman. “And our kids know us too well – if you have other children that are doing well, don’t lavish the praise on them or compare them, obviously, but don’t go the other extreme either, because that makes it even worse.”

“Everyone has different talents,” Jenn at Frugal Upstate pointed out. “As my mother in law says, ‘If we were all good at the same things, what a boring world it would be.’”

It’s Not About Perfection

A number of moms struggle with tweens expecting perfection from themselves at all times – and they get frustrated and discouraged when that isn’t the case.

Brandie said of her daughter, she “thinks if she can’t do it perfect the first time she must be stupid or something … it holds her back from trying.”

Melissa at Staten Island Family replied, “I always tell my daughter I WANT her to fail – so she’ll realize once it happens – life goes on – and that it’s not the end of the world!”

“I also think there is extraordinary value in failure that we often tend not to dive into because, well, we’ve failed,” agreed LaDonna. “In every failure there is a gift of learning for us, if we have the courage to open it and act on it.”

On the other hand, when kids have experienced plenty of failure, it’s important to strike a balance and help build them back up.

“For my son, he has a LOT of experience w/the failing part recently (he’s going through math intervention that has been particularly hard),” said Amanda at Parenting by Dummies. “We are trying to find things he is doing great at so we can praise those and he can see there is more to life than his math grade.”

Rosalind Wiseman advised telling a kid who is down on himself, “I can’t control what you say to yourself. Only you are in control of what you say to yourself. You are not stupid. If you feel like you can’t think right now, let’s take a break and do something that relaxes you and then go back to it.”

And when it comes to school and grades, Gina said of her daughter, “We are very careful to make sure the praise is about her doing her best and not doing THE best.”

Fitting in and Making Friends

Eventually your little girl or boy is going to reach a point when they are “too cool for mom,” as Lori said.  It can be hurtful, but remember that it is part of the growing-up process, and they are trying to create their own identity with friends and peers.

“When she really needs you, she’ll call for you,” said Kate. “The fact that she is ready to be independent proves you did a good job raising her.”

When it comes to fitting in, however, if your child gets teased or excluded from activities, it can be almost as hard for you as it is for your tween.

“I read a year or so about how it’s good for our tweens to have different circles of friends – the school friends, sports friends, camp friends, or other circles – because they give the kids some insulation when issues might arise in one group,” said Emily of TheMotherhood.

“My kids have different circles of friends and I think it does help when there is drama in one of the groups,” agreed Kim at Crafty Mama of 4.

“What you’re looking for is for your children to have at least one strong friendship and friends they are developing around their interests,” recommended Rosalind Wiseman.

Helping Tweens Develop Their Interests

Often, kids have trouble making friends or set their sights on groups that are not interested in including them.

Kim said, “We live in a small neighborhood where two of her classmates are the only other kids of the same age in the area. The problem is the two other children exclude my daughter … who then sits inside and is very depressed and lonely.”

“This is a prime time for your daughter to develop friendships according to her interests,” advised Rosalind Wiseman. “You can’t make her friends, but you can put her in situations where she’s enjoying what she likes to do and then develop friends from there.”

Melissa at Staten Island Family suggested “enrolling her in after school classes where she might be able to meet new kids.”

Some examples of such activities include “girl scouts or dance. My teen made a lot of friends outside of the neighborhood circle by doing this,” said Jeannine M.

Rosalind Wiseman added, “Robotics class. Cartoon drawing class – a lot of community centers have those. Pottery class – because who doesn’t like to have a lump of clay in their hands. If you live by a zoo they often have after-school programs.”

And Sarah at Mar Vista Mom threw out, “tennis, swimming, martial arts.”

A number of participants suggested Girls on the Run, as well: http://www.girlsontherun.org/

Books that Might Help

To help your tweens through tough spots with friends and help them recognize supportive friendships, group participants suggested a number of books.

“My 11 year old liked the Maximum Ride series – strong female lead character and supportive friendships (mostly),” said Emily of TheMotherhood.

“I have one on my desk right here!!!!” said Rosalind Wiseman. “It’s a series of books called The Thinking Girl’s Treasury of Real Princesses. It’s all about powerful queens and princesses in real life.”

“As far as confident females go – I just LOVE the Anne of Green Gables books & movies,” suggested Jenn at Frugal Upstate. “Anne was most definitely herself – which was quite different from all her peers. She made mistakes but learned from them and grew into an amazing woman.”

For parents, Trisha at 24/7 MOMS said, “The Key to your Child’s Heart by Gary Smalley was a great book to read about raising confident children,” and she also recommended “Fill a Bucket: A Guide to Daily Happiness for the Young Child.”

Physical Appearance

Being a tween and going through physical changes and challenges is hard enough on self-esteem – the last thing girls need is criticism about their weight or appearance.

“My almost 8 yr old daughter is a teeny thing, and yet she recently told me she wishes she was as skinny as her friend,” said Gina. “I try very hard to not focus on appearance (especially weight), but they seem to get it from everywhere. It’s hard.”

“I think it’s harder on the girls – they get such unrealistic expectations from TV, movies & magazines,” agreed Jenn at Frugal Upstate.

Rather than focusing on beauty and appearance all the time, remember to praise girls (and boys!) for their character, intelligence and other attributes.

“Write her notes and put them in her lunch focusing on her character – or mail her letters,” suggested Trisha at 24/7 MOMS. “My teen daughter was gone at a camp over the weekend and I placed a card in her suitcase as soon as she was home she thanked me for it saying she read it over and over again.”

Praise is Important

Trisha at 24/7 MOMS shared a quote from Alvin Price and asked others for their thoughts: “Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.”

“I’m in agreement with this,” said Sarah at Mar Vista Mom. “It’s not about not disciplining your kids. But to be the ones who love them even if their hair’s a mess or if they don’t have the right clothes – that’s our job, I feel.”

“My house is not a cruel place. We are not the rest of the world,” said Brandie of creating a safe haven for her kids. “We are (I hope) the safe place to land when the rest of the world is a crappy place to be. Because let’s face it, we all have days where the rest of the world sucks.”

“I think it’s the people who ONLY praise their kids that people have a problem with. You need to balance it with the fact that they aren’t always going to succeed at everything and that’s okay,” said temysmom. “You need to teach your kids how to deal with disappointment.”

But Don’t Overdo It

Building self-esteem with empty praise and sentiments like “everyone is a winner” does come at a price.

“I think it hurts them,” said Kim at Crafty Mama of 4. “Someday they are going to fail and they need to learn how to do that, they need to learn how to handle it and we need to teach them.”

Agreed Gina, “We can encourage them and help with their self-esteem without going overboard. I think at a younger age, it is more important to let them try things and be rewarded for simply trying. As they get older, they understand more.”

Along those lines, Jenn at Frugal Upstate pointed out, “Kids aren’t stupid, and they know if they really aren’t good at something. So if you tell them they are fantastic when they really aren’t, won’t that lead them to distrust any praise from you?”

“There is a HUGE difference between empty praise (You do such a good job breathing!) and true self esteem,” said Indiana.

“Effort should be rewarded but I think it is totally more than fine to let kids be competitive, learn to win ethically and tolerate losing,” concluded Rosalind Wiseman.

Remind Your Kids of Your Unconditional Love

Regardless of their successes or missteps, it is important to remind your kids that your “love is unconditional, but that doesn’t mean you can’t correct behavior,” as Sarah at Mar Vista Mom said.  Even when you are angry with your child, you want them to know you love them always.

“My husband always says to our kids – ‘Do you know what I like about you?’ They say tons of things, then he says ‘EVERYTHING,’” said Trisha at 24/7 MOMS.  “He then says, ‘Do you know what I would change about you?’ … again they say tons of things, he says, ‘NOTHING’ … just a little ‘I love who you are’ confidence builder.”

Thank you!!!

We would like to extend a heartfelt thanks to Rosalind Wiseman for lending her wisdom and experience to our four Tween Academy classes, and to Unilever for being our amazing sponsor and making this all possible!  And finally, thank-you to our final set of wonderful blogger co-hosts:

Melissa, The Staten Island Family

Sarah, Mar Vista Mom

Trisha, 24/7 MOMS

Kim, Crafty Mama of 4

Amanda, Parenting by Dummies

Jenn, Frugal Upstate

Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62267

Tween Academy continued with the second of four classes on September 28, 2011, and the topic of the week was tween hygiene.  Moms arrived at the Unilever-sponsored class in TheMotherhood ready to exchange ideas and stories for cleaning up their kids’ act.

“Can’t wait to hear about all of your experiences! I made sure to put on a ton of deodorant,” joked Deborah at VodkaMom.

Rosalind Wiseman, parenting expert and New York Times bestselling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, led the class with help from six blogger co-hosts.

During the tween years, increased hormones are starting to cause noticeable differences in your child’s body, and it’s important to talk to your tween to help them understand these changes. Growth spurts and developing body odors are totally normal at this age – and you can help them through those issues.

As Rosalind said, “We love our children, but we don’t have to love their stink! Personally, my younger son’s soccer cleats could be used as a weapon of mass destruction!”

To be part of an ongoing discussion, you can visit Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat

Discussing Physical Changes with Tweens

Respect their privacy. Don’t ever say anything around their friends or in any public place. Ever. Be patient.

Keep it light. If you’ve already noticed a new odor in his or her clothes, find a gentle, upbeat way to talk about some new things they might want to do now that their bodies are growing into adulthood. Think about how you felt when you were his or her age. You may want to share a funny memory about you or a classmate. Start the conversation and give your tween an opportunity to react.

Give them a say. Ask them if they want to go to the store with you to buy deodorant or other personal hygiene products for them or if they want you to do it. If they want you to do it, casually tell them what you bought and where they can find the items when you return.

Helping Tweens Develop Good Habits

“It’s really hard to convince the kids that they smell bad. They don’t get it… or they don’t care,” pointed out Carolyn, This Talk Ain’t Cheap.

As the parent of an oblivious tween, one of your toughest jobs is to convince your child in the nicest way possible that he or she needs to shower regularly and wear deodorant.  And not go overboard on the smell-masking products.

Noted Latricia, One Stop Mom, “A little goes a long way with body mists and perfume … My 9-year-old drowns herself in it.”

One solution for heavy scents: Suggest to your tween that he or she spritz their perfume/cologne/body spray once in the air in front of them and walk through it.  It won’t smell quite so overpowering.

“What I worry about for tweens is that so many of them are reaching puberty faster and BO is one of the first and really painful ways kids tease each other. So it’s really important to talk to our kids,” said Rosalind Wiseman.

“It’s a tricky line between educating them and making them self-conscious,” added Mary Davis, Everyday Baby Steps.  Sometimes the solution is taking small steps and creating new routines.

Carolyn at This Talk Ain’t Cheap said, “I think getting your kids into the habit of regular bathing is the key. If the habit is to shower every night then you don’t have as many stinky issues.”

And with her own daughter, LoraK “keeps setting the deodorant right by her clothes or her toothbrush” to get the point across.

Showering Regularly

Habitual bathing can help eliminate BO problems, but only when your tween actually cooperates – and to keep smells at bay during the day, deodorant is key.

“Showers aren’t the issue, it happens each night. It’s proper cleaning!” said indiana.

“I was just talking to my 10 year old about it,” said gottalovemom. “Last night, I actually showed him how to take a shower. I told him, I won’t look. Hopefully it worked!”

And a thorough washing should include hair scrubbing.  “My son washes his hair every day when he takes a shower. I buy bodywash that can be used for hair and body. This definitely makes it easier,” suggested Latricia at One Stop Mom.

On the other hand, some tweens like showering a bit too much.  Jeannine M. explained, “Mine is in there for almost 30 mins. I have tried a timer to get her to cut back, but she showers through it.”

Agreed Stacie, The Divine Miss Mommy, “Sometimes I have to go in and turn off the water on my 9 year old. This is after several warnings and around 45 minutes of water.”

Convincing kids to shower when they don’t want to – or to cut back on showering when they love it – can be tough.  A few suggestions for cutting back:

Help your tween create a 10-minute play list of favorite pop songs. When the songs end, she’ll know to get out of the shower.

If they’re environmentally conscious, remind them that they’re wasting 2.5 gallons of water for each minute they’re in the shower.

Set a schedule – for example, if she isn’t out of the shower and ready by a certain time, she has to make her own breakfast.

Dealing with Problem Hair

Getting kids to wash their hair on a regular basis to avoid the greasy look can be just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to handling hair problems.  For girls, knots and tangles can be a painful issue, too.

“I have a great hair tip I just learned from my hairdresser,” shared Carolyn at This Talk Ain’t Cheap. “I know my girls like to use a ton of conditioner and hairspray. That builds up and causes lots of tangles in their hair. When they shower… rub a handful of baking soda into their hair… then use shampoo as normal… and the baking soda takes all the waxy build-up right off the hair. No more knots. It’s amazing.”

Said Deb at Mom of 3 Girls, “I just reviewed a product called the Knot Genie – it’s been amazing to use on my 8yo’s long hair. It doesn’t totally get rid of tangles/crying but it is so much easier to use and she doesn’t resist brushing her hair like she did before. I would totally recommend it!”

“We love John Frieda’s serum. (Any of them work.) My daughter had the same issue. If you put it on her hair wet and come it out. I promise it will stay out of knots. That was the first thing my daughter said. Mom…no knots!” added Tammy.

And as boys and girls enter puberty, facial, underarm and leg hair can also become a source of self-consciousness you need to address.

Shaving

While necessity often dictates when boys begin shaving, girls are more likely to begin feeling social pressure to shave their legs as they get older.

Deborah said she thinks it “totally depends on the boy. Some of my son’s friends began shaving at 13 and some still don’t (at 17)…and don’t need to. My son shaves just a few times a week. My younger son will undoubtedly begin sooner.”

Meanwhile, “with girls the decision of when to begin shaving is one that must be decided on the family level rather than following a general guideline,” said You ARE Loved. “However, please keep in mind that if she has hair and is self-conscious it is worth considering – regardless of her ‘tween age’ at the time. Girls can be quite cruel to one another in these years.”

“Self-esteem is such an issue,” agreed Deborah at VodkaMom. “This is why I felt that the shaving thing was a battle I wouldn’t be involved in. If it made them feel better about themselves, then great.”

It’s important to let your kids know that they can approach you with this issue when they are ready.  Sneaking mom and dad’s sharp straight-edge razors can be dangerous – it’s often easier and safer to start your tweens with electric razors, which are less likely to cut them.

Convincing Tweens to Brush Their Teeth

Tooth-brushing is an activity that often gets a lot of complaints – and it can be like pulling teeth to get kids to do it in the morning AND the evening.  Moms had a few suggestions for encouraging good brushing behavior.

“I got small dry-erase boards from the dollar store and have magnets that they stick by each item to ‘check’ it off every time. So far it’s really helping!” said Deb, Mom of 3 Girls.

We do the breath test. The kids have to breathe on me… which they never do because I just have to ask them and they run to the bathroom to brush,” added Carolyn at This Talk Ain’t Cheap.

Suggested Jeannine M., “I make her brush at the same time I do.  We also set an alarm in her room to remind her.”

And Stacie at The Divine Miss Mommy has “a reward system. When they do chores and things like brush their teeth, etc, they get stars in return to put on a chart.”

Tackling Stink at School

After heavy activity at school during recess or gym class, tweens might need to freshen up.

“Especially for the kids who are on the later stages of tweendom – 11 and 12 – I think its a really good idea to give them the travel sizes [of personal hygiene products like deodorant] so they can put one in their school locker for emergencies, one in their sports bag, and one in their bathroom,” suggested Rosalind Wiseman.

Some teachers are also particularly understanding.

“Many I work with have a drawer of things like deodorant, sanitary pads for girls, etc. It’s these seemingly small things that make the difference between a tween feeling comfortable in school or not,” said Rosalind Wiseman.

Helping Girls through Puberty

These days, girls are reaching puberty at an earlier age, and you should be prepared to discuss these physical changes with her.

“I have talked to my girls about this. I have found it easier to be blunt about these topics. My kids like it that way because they are ok asking me almost anything,” said Latricia at One Stop Mom.

Others might not feel comfortable talking so openly.

“I think mothers can really worry and freak out a little about how young their daughters develop – especially if it’s younger than when they did. But if your child is starting to go through puberty (and BO is one of the first signs), then you have to go where she is,” said Rosalind Wiseman.

“My girls have definitely started developing much earlier than I did,” said Carolyn at This Talk Ain’t Cheap.  And Mary at Everyday Baby Steps agreed, “My daughter carries pads with her at almost 11yo because some of her friends have gotten their periods. Adds another level to the hygiene issue.”

“One of my friends suggested girls wearing bike shorts (or something similar) to help them feel comfortable with a pad on” when they first get their period, said Tammy.

And indiana added, “The school nurse is an excellent resource. I tell my daughter (she has a male teacher) ask to go see the nurse. Say it’s personal. The teacher will get it!”

To help explain physical changes and hygiene issues to your daughter, you can seek out resources in your community.

“At my 10yo’s checkup last spring, our pediatrician gave her a copy of the Care & Keeping of You book from American Girl – it’s been a great resource for her (and me)!” said Deb at Mom of 3 Girls.  Agreed Carolyn at This Talk Ain’t Cheap, “It talks about everything from brushing your teeth to using tampons.”

“We took a puberty workshop through Girl Scouts and it was VERY helpful. Presented in a way that the girls were not embarrassed – they had fun,” added Stacy.

And You ARE Loved said, “We are glad to be a resource. If anyone has menstrual questions — please ask freely. You can be in touch through our contact us link.”  Here is the link: http://you-are-loved.org/contact-us/

Pat Yourself on the Back!

Participating in this chat, reading the summary, or seeking out resources of any kind to help your tween through the tough transition years demonstrates how much you care!

Said Carolyn at This Talk Ain’t Cheap, “This is so great that we are all having this conversation about helping our tweens through this time of their lives. Our kids are lucky to have us.”

Thank you!!!

A BIG thanks to Rosalind Wiseman to lending her parenting expertise to our Tween Academy classes, and to Unilever for being our sponsor and making this all possible!  Another thank-you to our fabulous blogger co-hosts:

Deb, Mom of 3 Girls
Carolyn, This Talk Ain’t Cheap
Mary, Everyday Baby Steps
Stacie, Divine Miss Mommy
Deborah, Vodkamom
Latricia, 1 Stop Mom

Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62265

Tween Academy, sponsored by Unilever and Don’t Fret the Sweat, is now in session! On September 20, 2011, moms flocked to the first class on TheMotherhood to share advice and anecdotes for starting the new school year with tweens.

That back-to-school transition can be tough for everyone in the family, but especially for tweens, who are also experiencing emotional and physical changes.  That’s why it’s important for your tween to know that you will be there to help them through issues with schoolwork, friends and all the other sweat-inducing moments they might encounter.

Rosalind Wiseman, parenting expert and New York Times bestselling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, led the class with help from six blogger co-hosts.  (In addition to counseling real moms through Tween Academy, Rosalind has scheduled upcoming TV appearances with Anderson Cooper and Dr. Phil.)

Moms were thrilled to have a place to discuss the tricky tween years – a topic that hasn’t often been addressed elsewhere.  “There is a lot of focus on the teens and toddlers, but tweens is a tough age that deserves more focus,” said Stephanie at And Twins Make 5.

To be part of an ongoing discussion, you can visit Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat

Starting the School Year

“I wanted to start out with what I think are the essentials for any mom with children who are a couple of weeks into the new school year,” Rosalind Wiseman said to kick off the conversation.  Here is her advice:

1. 2 cans of foot/shoe odor spray. One for your front door and one for the back. If you’re like me, sometimes when you walk into your house you are assaulted by this really bad smell and it gets you into bad mood. Then you look down to see your children’s shoes. Having a can to spray at those shoes (and worse, socks) really makes me feel better.

2. By the second week of October, all moms should have scheduled a dinner or drinks with their friends as a mom only night out. Mine is scheduled for the 22nd but I have to be out of town working. Rest assured though, my friends will go out and have a good time on my behalf.

3. Pads of paper placed throughout the house so when your child tells you why they didn’t do their homework or why they didn’t deserve to get into trouble you can write down the details of their version of events. This is helpful when you can barely remember what your child said when you try to explain to your spouse or to the teacher later. Bottom line is we have to be informed and it’s too easy to forget what happens in a day.

Helping Tweens Handle Sweat-Inducing Moments

Be encouraging and excited. As your child gets into the swing of the school year, there will be opportunities to make new friends, join a sport or club, and/or start new classes. Talk to your tween about what they are looking forward to most this school year. If they seem a little shy or nervous, find ways to encourage them and help boost their confidence.

Help them juggle the day-to-day stress. Close to 70 percent of 8- to 12-year-olds admit homework is a stressful part of their day, while others have anxiety about classes (42 percent). Help your tween combat these sweat-inducing moments by creating a study space and helping them stay organized.

Dress your tween for success. Sprucing up with a new outfit, taking some extra time for grooming and practicing a nice smile can help your tweens feel more confident as they tackle the school year.

Encouraging Tweens to Self-Advocate in School

“I struggle with my daughter being afraid to use her ‘voice’ at school. She gets very shy and it’s such an opposite trait from her at home persona,” said Stephanie at And Twins Make 5.

Connie at Brain Foggles, whose daughter has similar difficulties speaking up for herself, offered a suggestion: “We are working with her teachers and a counselor. This isn’t a new problem for her. Perhaps bring it up to the guidance counselor?”

Remaining positive and encouraging self-esteem will pay dividends in the long run.  To chat more about tweens and building self-esteem, come back for a Tween Academy class on that topic at noon ET on October 11: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62267

Making Friends

Having friends is a big part of social confidence, and for kids transitioning to a new school, finding friends can be difficult – especially for those who are shy or don’t enjoy sports.  The group had a few ideas for non-athletic extracurriculars where kids might meet new friends.

Jennifer at Mom Spotted suggested “Boy Scouts, band, swim lessons,” and Liz at Thoughts of a Mommy came up with “The Y, community centers and church.”

Emily at TheMotherhood said, “Maybe a new sport that doesn’t have a competitive side, like rock climbing or fencing? Or are there Middle School clubs he might like? Our school has started a Friday afternoon movie screening to give the kids a chance to watch and talk about it afterward. So far, it seems like a big hit, especially with the shy ones.”

“Our library has a book club for fathers/sons and a chess club and some other activities that are good for kids and gets them out there, but not in a sports/competitive way,” added Brandie.

Aside from making friends, your tweens might also have to navigate the waters of being teased or bullied as an outsider.

Dealing with Mean Girls (and Boys)

Every school has bullies, and it’s tough when your kid is the one being picked on.

“We went through a mean girl phase in 3rd grade – it was just awful. Usually if the mean kids see that it doesn’t bother you, they will stop their teasing. They do it to get a rise out of you. Don’t let them,” suggested temysmom.

Added Connie, Brain Foggles, “And if it gets bad, get the school involved.”

Rosalind Wiseman encouraged moms to ask their child to articulate exactly what the problem is. “Kids needs skills to know how to handle mean kids … depending on the situation, you decide from there what you do. Tell the teacher, she talks to the girl, etc.”

“My daughter just started in a program called ‘Girls on the Run.’ It’s great. It teaches girls respect, teamwork, positive thinking and other good values, while building body confidence as they train to run a 5K,” said Becki. “I think it’s available to girls in 3rd grade and up. If there’s a chapter near you, maybe your daughter could get involved.”

Communication is essential – make sure your tweens know they can come to you with problems. “If it isn’t a social issue causing our kids to be depressed it is grades, looks … there are so many more things that kids have to deal with today,” said Connie at Brain Foggles.

“I think many kids don’t feel they can talk to their parents about school issues… or any issues for that matter. Communication with your tweens is SO important,” said temysmom.

We will be discussing Tweens and Communication in TheMotherhood on October 4 at noon ET as part of our Tween Academy classes: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62266

Rosalind Wiseman created this Anti-Bullying Pledge and an accompanying Facebook page that you can take a look at if you would like to learn more about stopping bullies.

Tweens Online

Bullying and social interaction don’t start and end at school anymore.  With Facebook and text messaging, tweens have constant access to their friends and peers, and it is important to encourage them to be responsible and mindful about their communications.

“We are constantly discussing how once a text or FB post is ‘out there’ it is out there’ for good,” said LisaSp11 of conversations with her daughter. “It is a tough lesson to teach, but with constant monitoring and reminding, I think she has been doing a pretty good job of navigating so far.”

And mean girl issues can stretch from real life to the Internet. “My daughter is not on FB but has a twitter and I check her texts. I do try to keep her out of that mean girl, mean talk chatter! It’s tough when friends are trying to pull you in different directions,” said msrachee.

As Kayla S summed it up, “Someday tweens will learn that they bring the drama on sometimes and that they need to change their attitude. It stinks not being able to tell them what to do because you already know, but it’s part of life!”

In addition to learning how to relate to peers and deal with negative situations, both in reality and online, part of life is taking responsibility for their own actions, remembering the work they need to do, and so on.

Staying Organized

When it comes to staying organized, Rosalind Wiseman said, “This is such an important topic because they are right at the age where they need to take on more responsibility for their homework, what they need for the school day, their personal hygiene.”

Rosalind handles her tweens and organization with a few simple steps:

1. Clothes/Appearance: I am washing their clothes but they have to put it away. Yes, it’s a mess (shorts are where shirts are supposed to be) but they have to do it. I am also having them do their laundry with me too. They have to be in clean clothes.

2. If they forget something like the shoes they need for a game, they have a two-limit allowance where I will take these things to school. After that, I will not bring the forgotten item to school.

It’s a tough lesson, but it needs to be taught, others agreed. “In the long run, you have to occasionally refuse to save them. It’s a life lesson that is hard for me to give them but good for them long term,” said Stephanie at And Twins Make 5.

But you can help your kids ease into remembering things on their own. “We use a white board [for reminders]. Actually two – one in the bathroom and one in bedroom. So far, so good,” said Connie at Brain Foggles.

3. Deodorant. I don’t know about you all but my almost 11-year-old is seriously having BO issues. I am putting deodorant next to his toothbrush as a quiet reminder that he has to use it.

A number of parents lamented the fact that it’s so difficult to convince their tweens to take regular showers and wear deodorant.  “It’s so tough to get my 13yo son to wear deodorant. I have to remind him often. And I feel for his teachers have to smell all those kids all day!” said Kelly Whalen.

For a more in-depth discussion on tweens and personal hygiene, join us for a Tween Academy class on September 28 at noon ET: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62265

Getting Homework Finished

Homework and time management plays a big part of being organized and taking responsibility in school.

All kids are different when it comes to homework.  Some have no trouble buckling down and doing it, and some do everything they can to resist.  How to convince the procrastinator to get the work finished?

“There has to be a consequence – [take away] something that matters to her” or him until the work is accomplished, said Jo-Lynne at Musings of a Housewife.

Agreed Theresa at Faith and Family Reviews, “A loss of privilege or extra work can nip this in the bud, especially if you can outlast them … they will eventually ‘get it’ because they don’t want extra work or to lose a privilege.”

And just getting to the end of the assignment isn’t enough – make sure your child has put some brain power into it.

“They rush through it so fast. We recheck and make them go back to things they missed,” said Mary Davis. “No TV, computer ‘til it’s done right.”

“There was a great link on Parent Hacks about a Back to School Contract,” said Cooper at TheMotherhood. “We actually did this and it WORKS!”

Working with Teachers

Teachers are not one-size-fits-all, and sometimes that can pose a problem for your child and your family.

“Last year my son didn’t like his teacher at all. Honestly, we didn’t either, but you just have to try your best to make it work,” said Jennifer at Mom Spotted.

If your child has problems with a teacher, take them seriously, but give the teacher a chance to give his or her side of the issue. “That is the hard part … knowing if the kid is just complaining or the teacher really is being too hard on them,” said temysmom.

“I’ve taught my children to respect their elders and that includes teachers. Now if there’s something terrible going on, they can come to me, but it has to be abuse for me to do something,” said Connie, Brain Foggles.

And when kids don’t like a teacher, Stephanie at And Twins Make 5 has a silver lining: “It’s real life and they need to come to terms with the fact they will quite possibly have future authority figures they don’t love either. (Bosses, coaches, etc.) Learning to deal with it early in life can be a great lesson.”

Remember, teachers that kids perceive as mean might not be the enemy.

“My son thought his science teacher was mean. When I met her, I realized she’s not. But she is strict, and focused on helping the kids learn (as opposed to just do well on standardized tests),” said Becki. “Guess whose class my son is doing best in?”

If your child is having an issue with a teacher, Rosalind Wiseman advised, “You need to meet with the teacher and say, ‘My child came home and told me X; in your opinion is that accurate?’ You can tell the intent of the teacher from how they respond to that question. If they are an abusive teacher they will get defensive and attack your kid, if they have made a mistake they may be a little defensive but they’ll focus their comments on the well being of your child.”

You Are Your Child’s Mom, Not Friend

Liz at Thoughts of a Mommy summed up the one of the most important things to remember when it comes to raising tweens – as much as you might want to be the “cool” parent, it’s more important to be your child’s parent than his or her friend.  “My motto, and I’m sure that many of you here think the same way: I am my son’s mother, not friend. He has plenty of friends but only one mom,” she said. “I am here when friends are not. NO MATTER WHAT!”

Thank you!!!

A BIG thanks to Rosalind Wiseman to lending her parenting expertise to our Tween Academy classes, and to Unilever for being our sponsor and making this all possible!  Another thank-you to our fabulous blogger co-hosts:

Connie, Brain Foggles

Jennifer, Mom Spotted
Jo-Lynne, Musings of a Housewife
Liz, Thoughts of a Mommy

Stephanie, And Twins make 5!

Theresa, Faith and Family Reviews

Don’t Fret the Sweat on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/DontFretTheSweat

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62264