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Becki King

Summer Challenges: Managing Food Allergies

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I’ve heard that there are families out there who travel, stopping for a bite to eat whenever and wherever they feel like it. Families for whom the worst danger from a birthday party or carnival is a kid hopped up on sugar. Families that send their kids to sleep-away camp, trusting that the scariest thing their child will encounter in the mess hall is the mystery meat.

 

None of those families have a kid with food allergies, though.

 

The incidence of food allergies has skyrocketed in the last two decades, and almost everyone seems to have a kid with one (or more), or to know someone who does. Summer experiences that are fun for most kids, like camp, cookouts, and parties, are daunting and potentially deadly for families dealing with food allergies (FA).

 

Today in The Motherhood we were so fortunate to have a large panel of moms sharing their experiences and wisdom in dealing with this particular challenge. Lori Sandler, Susan Weissman, and Sandra Beasley were joined by panelists Sloane (Allergic Girl), Nicole (Allergic Child), Jen, Jodi, Sarah (The Allergist Mom), Barbara (Food Allergy Initiative), and Kelly (Food Allergy Mama). These wonderful moms weighed in on a number of situations that parents of FA kids deal with every summer.

 

On camp…

 

Lori reminds us that camp “is all about fun, and should not be stressful.” To keep it that way, we have to make sure our kids feel safe. This starts with the selection of the camp in the first place. Not all camps have the resources to deal with food allergies. Get recommendations from trusted friends, allergists, and allergy-friendly Facebook pages. Susan offered TheCampLady.com as a resource for locating allergy-friendly camps. Once you find a camp, Lori recommends talking to the camp owners at length and getting a feel for their philosophy, because you really need to feel able to trust them. Nicole and Kelly agreed that awareness of allergies is very much on a camp-by-camp basis.

 

 

Susan also emphasizes, “Trust in the counselor is crucial since they are there in the minute by minute. I think that simply talking to them about it in an open, calm, and anecdotal way really helps. Let them know that e-mailing or calling you is NEVER a bother.” And Sandra noted, “Consider going in to meet with folks with a copy of an Emergency Action Plan (if you have one) or else a one-page sheet that lists all allergens, likely points of exposure (not only food but CRAFTS), and prescribed course of response. Offer to bring in several  laminated copies to make it easier on camp staff.” Having a small picture of your child in the corner of the sheet can help, too.

 

Another resource that can be helpful to camp staff is this snack list offered by Susan. Nicole has an ebook on her AllergicChild.com site about traveling and eating out with food allergies that also includes preparing for summer camp.

 

One critical safety tip from BestAllergySites: “Make sure the EpiPen follows your child. There are some camps/staff that will leave it in the medical kit and then stray from the kit to do various activities with the kids. The medical kit should always be close by. Also, make sure the counselor in charge of your child can and will administer if necessary.” If possible, having your child wear the EpiPen on his person in a waist pack is a good option.

 

On Cookouts…

 

Even if peanut satay isn’t on the menu today, that doesn’t mean the grill is safe. Hosts who may have been careful in their ingredient preparation may have forgotten about potential cross-contamination from previously grilled foods. Sandra recommends taking along an extra roll of aluminum foil and a separate set of tongs to create an allergen-free zone for grilling. On the bright side, she points out, summer desserts like watermelon are usually much safer than baked goods!

 

On Traveling…

 

Barbara offered this terrific resource for families traveling with food allergies this summer. Sarah reminded us never to leave an EpiPen in the car, especially in summer heat, which can quickly destroy the effectiveness of this medication. You can find guidelines for EpiPen storage here. While EpiPens shouldn’t get too cold, either, Sarah says a cooling pack can help keep them closer to room temperature.

 

 

And what about that adjunct to the great American tradition of the road trip – eating on the road? While you may not be able to just pop in to any old roadside stand for a bite, there are options, especially if you’re willing to plan. Susan says she’s had success avoiding restaurants and packing picnic lunches to be eaten in state parks. Jen agrees, noting that “picnics tend to be cheaper and much less effort anyway.”

 

Sandra says she gets tired of never having hot food on the road, though, and says that for shorter trips, she’ll pack something microwaveable, like organic Amy’s wraps or rice bowls, because many gas stations have microwave ovens where she can heat up her food. What a great idea! Along similar lines, Sarah says, “My mom got us a cooler/warmer that plugs into the outlet in the front of the car! It has been a life-saver on warm days to keep food cool (or in the winter when you need to keep food warm).” Divvies.com and Tasterie.com also offers lots of road-friendly foods.

 

But getting there, as they say, is only half the fun. When you arrive, you may have to deal with hosts who don’t have as thorough an understanding of food allergies as you would like. One option, of course, is staying in a hotel where you can prepare your own food, as several of the moms in the discussion like to do.  As Susan observes, however, that can get expensive, and sometimes it’s just not practical. If staying with friends or family, Lori advises,  “Start by having an in-depth discussion with your potential hosts to get a sense of their willingness to keep an allergen-safe environment. Calling restaurants and grocery stores ahead of time can prove very helpful.” It’s a judgment call; staying in a hotel may keep you away from Grandpa’s cashew addiction, but being in a house offers you more opportunity to cook and store food and to thoroughly wash pans and dishes.

 

On Summer Jobs…

 

For teenagers, getting a summer job is a rite of passage, and many (if not most) of the summer jobs available to teens are in restaurants. Sandra says that her parents “flat-out vetoed (her working in a restaurant) out of fear. But in hindsight, I wish we’d sat down to brainstorm options that didn’t require direct exposure to food – hostessing, for example, or making deliveries. It’s as important to cultivate independence as it is to protect.”

 

 

On Summer Sports…

 

If your kids participate in sports leagues over the summer, don’t forget the most important part of the game: the team snack. Don’t forget to communicate with coaches about your child’s food allergy, especially, as Sarah points out, if you drop the child off for practice and don’t stay to watch. Kelly cautions NEVER to forget to pack the EpiPen in sports bags (and let coaches know it’s there). Susan points out that some coaches require the removal of all jewelry, including medical alert bracelets, during play. This makes it especially important that the coach knows your child and her allergies.  When you sign your kids up for sports, there may be an area on the form that asks about food allergies and medical issues. Ask if this information makes it onto the roster so the coach sees it regularly.

 

On Sending them Off to School (or College)…

 

Even the most blissful summer eventually comes to an end, followed by … school. (Insert collective sigh here.) For the little ones, get a 504 Plan. Ideally, your child should be able to self-carry her epinephrine and staff who deal with her, including bus drivers, should know how to administer it.  In some ways, sending a student off to college is even more scary than sending a five year old to kindergarten. By this age, your child should know how to talk to others about his allergy in order to protect himself. All-you-can-eat dining hall buffets can be a nightmare for those with food allergies (not to mention dining tables with lots of food spillage), so talk to college administration with your child to see what measures are in place to protect those with food allergies, and see if your child can have living arrangements where he can (safely) prepare his own food.

 

In the end, as Lori says, we have one goal for our food-allergic and non-allergic children alike: “to make sure their physical, emotional, and social needs are met so they can focus on going about the business of being regular kids.” By helping each other through challenges in the summer – and all year round – we can do just that.

The Naptime Chef: Fitting Great Food Into Family Life

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Is there anything more enjoyable than sitting around with your women friends, talking about family and trading recipes? Not for me. That’s why I loved our talk today in The Motherhood, when we sat down with Kelsey Banfield, known around Internet parts as The Naptime Chef, who’s got a new cookbook out. Kelsey was joined by Winnie Abramson of Healthy Green Kitchen and Angie McGowan of Eclectic Recipes … and a bunch of moms hungry for a good discussion about cooking foods we love for people we love.

 

My first dinner after bringing my first child home from the hospital was Chinese takeout. My second was lasagna, made by a friend, and fed to me forkful by forkful while I tried to nurse a newborn. After those early days, I had more time to cook (and eat) … but not much. That’s why the premise of Kelsey’s blog and cookbook is so welcome: we can feed our families well, in the little snippets of time we have.

 

 

Kelsey’s cookbook features breakfast, salads, snacks, dinner, dessert and pantry staples – what she refers to as “all the food we consider family food.” In other words, the types of recipes and tips we all turn to for everyday eating. And like cooking for family, it sounds like the creation of the cookbook was a labor of love. Kelsey said, “It was a ton of work, but I loved it. I tested each recipe several times, used a recipe tester and then wrote everything down. It took a lot of work to keep the voice and work consistent throughout. I loved the process!”

 

When you’re talking with a cookbook author, the conversation necessarily turns to meal planning – and the lack thereof. Kelsey says flying by the seat of your culinary pants can be a great way to generate recipes you never would have thought of otherwise – reassurance for those of us who sometimes look up to see it’s 5:00 and realize we don’t have anything planned, much less prepared. Pinterest is a new favorite tool for both finding and keeping track of recipes we’d love to try.

 

Several people commented that planning about three meals a week works out well – plan too many, and you can’t eat all the leftovers; plan not enough, and you find yourself at the drive-thru. Winnie has a designated noodle night, Asian night, and Mexican night. She noted, “This helps direct my shopping but there’s still lots of room for creativity.” A perfect metaphor for motherhood: structure and flexibility are both needed for things to work.

 

Of course, we just had to ask Kelsey what her favorite recipe from her cookbook was. Like all good mothers, she had trouble identifying a favorite among her babies, but allowed that she really likes  asparagus with feta, browned butter asparagus risotto and couscous salads for spring and summer. Artichoke lasagna is a beloved cold weather dish. I’ve never had it or even heard of it, but it sounds so good I think I’d pick up the cookbook for that recipe alone.

 

It’s possible to cook well, and it’s possible to cook easy foods, and it’s possible to cook healthfully. It’s just difficult to do them all at once. Kelsey, like so many of us, is hooked on fresh summer produce from the garden or the farmer’s market, which helps achieve the nutritious/delicious/efficient hat trick. I had to ask about convenience foods, too. As much as I prefer not to rely on box, bag, or can, sometimes your back’s against the dinnertime wall and you have no choice. Kelsey avoids canned foods as much as possible because of BPA, but finds boxed POMI tomatoes and boxed chicken stock useful, healthy, and tasty. Angie seconded the recommendation for POMI, and also depends on olives, beans and refried beans as staples.

 

Of course that launched us into a discussion of go-to meals when time’s short. Deborah says her family will eat “anything wrapped in a tortilla.” Cooper makes marinated grilled flank steak, Emily makes risotto with whatever veggies are on hand, and Erin makes ravioli with sauteed zucchini and Parmesan. And because our kids love dessert, even when we don’t love making it, we shared ideas for that, too.  Lots of fresh fruit, of course, but surprising presentations – Emily said her kids have actually learned to make pavlovas, big fancy looking meringues that she swears are easier than pie. And Erin shared her recipe for one-minute chocolate cake!

 

Kelsey has an automatic popsicle maker that’s a big hit at dessert time at her place. She wondered what appliances the rest of us love and can’t live without.  Angie swears by her food processor, Winnie and Deborah by their blenders. Immersion blenders are popular favorites, as are slow cookers, and everybody loves a Kitchen Aid stand mixer.

 

I could have sat forever at my (virtual) kitchen table, trading tips, tricks, recipes (and confessions) with everyone, but these talks, like all good things, must end. Maybe in a few months we can have another one after we’ve had a chance to try out Kelsey’s cookbook, so we can share our favorite Naptime Chef recipes. Cookbook club, anyone?

 

Read the stellar reviews for Kelsey’s cookbook, The Naptime Chef: Fitting Great Food Into Family Life, here.

Cancer Be Glammed: Surviving Cancer with Your Style Intact

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Despite so many recent advances in treatment, no one ever wants to hear of a cancer diagnosis, for a friend, a family member, or oneself. And while the focus is necessarily on health, there’s so much more to who we are. Style, for one, and dignity—two things cancer can steal right along with health. Enter Lisa Lurie, CEO of Cancer Be Glammed and breast cancer survivor, whose site was born out of her own struggle to recover her health while maintaining her dignity and sense of style.

 

She’s put together in one place fashion solutions, lifestyle savers, post-op necessities and great gifts for cancer patients and survivors, and she joined us in The Motherhood to discuss her work. Lisa was joined by a panel of guests, including Kimberly of Pretty Pink Momma, Dawn of MommaKiss, Andrea of Lil Kid Things, Felicia of Go Graham Go, and Robyn of Robyn’s Online World.

 

 

What Not to Wear

 

Lisa shared some ideas for clothing to stock up on for the post-operative period. Favorite comfy t-shirts may no longer fit the bill following a mastectomy, as it may be difficult or forbidden to lift your arms over your head. Lisa says, “Button-down clothing or sleepwear is essential because it is easy to take on and off particularly if lymph node surgery is involved.” Also recommended are clothes that are soft, made from a fabric like cotton, without rough seams that might rub and irritate skin. Lisa offers, “My personal favorite following surgery is a great button down night shirt… It’s easy to take on and off and to wear. Find one in a great color. Floral is big this year!” Many options for post-op wear are available through Cancer Be Glammed.

 

How You Look Affects How You Feel

 

Just because comfort is king doesn’t mean good looks have to get kicked out of the palace. Women with and without cancer know that when you feel bad, looking better gives you a boost. Color is encouraged – Lisa says that warm, monochromatic colors enhance skin tone, especially during treatment.

 

Also, accessories are “a cancer girl’s best friend;” use them to draw focus away from areas you want to minimize and toward areas you want to highlight. Think gorgeous earrings, belts, shoes and jackets. And while it may be tempting to hide your body under clothes that are a little too big, Lisa cautions against it: clothes that just skim your body are more flattering and will help you look and feel better. For newly diagnosed women, she offers the downloadable style guide, “What the Doctor Didn’t Order” to help prepare them for the common, non-medical side effects of surgery and treatment. Bonus: it contains an easy to use shopping checklist!

 

Gifts that Keep on Glamming

 

Several talk participants were interested in learning about good gifts to support family, friends, and acquaintances with cancer.  Gifts of comfortable and attractive clothing, like the nightshirt Lisa mentioned, can be great for people we’re close to.  Coolibar, a brand that is available through Cancer Be Glammed, offers clothing for those who need stylish sun protection. Skin care products can also be a good option, but Lisa cautions to stick to products made for people going through treatment, such as Lindi Skin, also available through her site.

 

For people we may not have a close, personal relationship with, we may be uncomfortable buying intimate items like skin care products or clothes.  It’s easy to seem to withdraw from someone when you don’t know what to do for them, especially when it’s not someone you know terribly well – you don’t want to intrude. But you also don’t want to disappear.

 

Good gifts for acquaintances, or anyone, include gift cards for favorite stores or restaurants, or even dropping off a meal (especially one that can be frozen and reheated as needed). Lisa said an e-reader was her favorite gift: “You can send it yourself or as a group gift from family and friends. It is a welcome distraction during treatment and “bed” rest, the font can be enlarged for chemo tired eyes, you can purchase gift cards for books and magazines and it fits in a purse or chemo bag!” If your friend already has an e-reader, gift cards for books are a welcome present.

 

Another option, especially for patients who may not have a lot of family nearby to help, is to set up a schedule of helpers, cleaners, drivers, cooks – whatever is needed. Talk participant Maureen recommended Lotsa Helping Hands, a website that makes coordinating the effort easier. Sometimes (as anyone who’s ever had a baby remembers), the practical support is the most needed, and the hardest to ask for.

 

Thinking Pink (Or Not)

 

The conversation turned to that ubiquitous breast cancer color, of course. Many of us think pink in our zeal to show support for loved ones with breast cancer, but it may not be the best idea. Dawn of MommaKiss had a friend whose breast cancer was diagnosed in October, and she hated the color pink because “everywhere she turned, there was the reminder that she had breast cancer.”

 

Lisa says, “The color pink means different things to women going through cancer. That’s why I say it’s so personal. I am more low key as a person (I know that’s hard to believe), so I respect everyone’s choices.” The bottom line: don’t bombard someone you love with pink, unless you know she loves it and finds it meaningful in a positive way.  Dawn and other participants particularly liked that Cancer Be Glammed offers a variety of colors, not just a sea of pink.

 

I hope the day comes soon when no woman has to go through cancer. But until it does, thanks to Lisa and Cancer Be Glammed, the women who do will go through it with support – and with style.

Writing Your Way Through Motherhood

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Many women, including myself, have always expressed themselves in writing.  After I had children, I noticed two things happening – I felt I suddenly had so much I wanted to say, and I felt there were so many more barriers to my saying it.

 

Today in The Motherhood, we were joined by Kate Hopper, whose book, “Use Your Words: A Writing Guide For Mothers” aims to help women mine for the stories of their lives and bring them into the light. Kate was joined by Marilyn Bousquin, Kara Thom, Janine Kovac and Mary Hill, other writing mothers, to discuss the challenges to writing as a mother and  what is gained by overcoming them.

 

One obstacle mothers find to writing is a perceived lack of time. As mothers, we know that our free time often comes in increments that can be measured with the second hand sweep of a watch. The solution is to use the time you have, even if it’s just five minutes. Mary has “taken to keeping a blank document open on my computer and a stack of post-its in the kitchen. I’ve started a few essays with notes from a post-it!” Kara tries to keep a notebook in her “take everywhere” bag.

 

Like so many moments of motherhood, inspiration is fleeting; capture it however you can or it evaporates. Kate also noted, “I think it’s important to figure out when you’re freshest, and put aside ten or fifteen minutes then. Sometimes that means getting up really early for me or heading to the coffee shop on the weekend.”

 

 

Marilyn brought up Kate’s encouraging women  “to write their experience of motherhood despite the cultural myth of motherhood.” She questioned how we can separate the two. Kate suggested, “I think it helps to begin with what you perceive to be a mother failure. Write it in as much detail as possible and how you felt about it. then start asking questions. Why did you feel like a failure? Where were those messages coming from?” What an amazing idea – using what feels like failure as a gateway to your truth!

 

Erin echoed a wish many of us share – to have a record of the stories of our mothers and grandmothers – and asked how to know where to start in telling our own stories. Kate’s advice was to begin with a single detail, and to capture moments first by focusing on sensory details (imagine the smell of your grandmother’s kitchen).  Once you’ve captured one moment in detail, Kate said to move on to another, and recommended keeping a list of memories so you can be ready to work when you have a few minutes.

 

Janine pointed out that a lot of “mom-oirs” and mom blogs sound the same – how do you find your voice? Kate cautioned that voice doesn’t always magically descend; sometimes it comes late in the writing process, and sometimes it can be crafted. Mary said sometimes she gets tired of her voice, questioning whether that means it’s not authentic. Marilyn responded, “Many of us women become ‘distant’ from our authentic voices as we move through adolescence, and writing to your pre-adolescent self can put you back in touch with the part of you (your voice) that is still there!”

 

Then there is the question of what to share, and how to share it. Sometimes, as Kara pointed out, the stuff that resonates with readers is “the hard stuff,” the tales of struggles and feeling like a failure.

 

What about the need to speak about the joys of motherhood? Those are an equally true part of our stories, but they can feel hard to write without coming off as sappy or shallow.  Kate cut to the heart of the matter when she said, “I think there needs to be room for all of our experiences to exist on the page, but if the subject or voice doesn’t feel natural to you, it’s not a fit.” We need permission to write the truth as we know it, not as we imagine an audience wants to see it.

 

 

Privacy issues can crop up as our kids get older. Their lives are so interwoven with our stories, but they may not want us to share them, as Deborah pointed out. Kate offered that one solution may be to refocus a piece on you, rather than on your kids. She allowed that it’s a tough call, and that she bears in mind that one of our primary jobs as moms is to protect our children. In the end, as with so many parts of mothering, we may just have to listen to our gut.

 

Writing and motherhood have much in common. Doing it well is difficult, but you have to keep at it anyway, day after day, with an uncertain outcome looming in the hazy distance. The work comes out better when it’s done with a full heart. And both are journeys of discovery.

 

Kate put it so beautifully: “I think discovery is inherent in writing any memoir. If you are really searching for answers, it’s inevitable. I think as mothers we’re so caught up in the day-to-day that it’s hard to take the time to process our experiences. Writing slows us down enough to allow us to discover what we know.”

The Power of Habit: A Conversation with Charles Duhigg

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Quick, name your worst habit. How long did it take you? If you’re anything like me, you can name a handful of your own bad habits in under ten seconds. Naming good habits (at least for me) takes a little longer.

 

But here are the questions that stop me in my tracks: What IS a habit? How did I get the ones I have? And how, oh, how can I change some of them?

 

Today in The Motherhood we had the great good fortune to discuss habits with Charles Duhigg, award-winning New York Times business reporter and author of The Power of Habit, which is currently 7th on the New York Times Best Seller list.

 

Joining him was a panel of featured guests, including Jen of The Suburban Mom, Jill of The Diaper Diaries, Liz of A Nut in a Nutshell, Holly of The Culture Mom, and Asha of Parent Hacks.

 

Charles identified a habit as “a decision you made at some point, and stop making, but continue acting on.” It’s something that’s become automatic. Emily asked Charles what his biggest takeaway was from writing the book. He responded, “That ANY habit can be changed. It doesn’t matter how ingrained the behavior, or how long it has been a part of your life. What we have learned from recent neurology studies is that any habit can change, if you know how.”

 

 

Naturally, we all wanted to know how. And Charles obliged, with this beautiful three-step process:

 

“First, diagnose the cue. Most cues fall into one of five categories: a time of day, or a certain place, a certain emotion, the presence of certain people or a preceding behavior that has become ritualized. Once you know the cue, you know when the habit starts.

 

“Second, figure out what reward the habit delivers. Are you eating cookies because you are hungry? Or bored? Or want the burst of energy the sugar provides? Look for what craving the habit is feeding by conducting experiments (for instance, by eating an apple for hunger, or drinking coffee for energy. Then ask yourself: are you still craving the cookie?).

 

“Third, figure out a new behavior that can be triggered by the old cue and deliver the old reward. If you previously had a cookie every afternoon at 3:30 because it gave you a chance to take a break, then start scheduling a walk with a friend for 3:30 every day. It doesn’t have to last more than 10 minutes, but it will replace the cookie habit!”

 

 

Adrienne asked about the biggest mistake people make when trying to change a habit. Charles said that it’s not giving themselves the reward they really want. (Note to self: stop trying to pretend a rice cake is a “treat.” A two-year-old can see through that one.)

 

Liz wondered, “How long does it take to make something a habit or change a habit?” Charles said it varies from person to person and behavior to behavior, and offered this encouragement: “The good news is that it will get easier each day. Our neurology is programmed to latch onto habits, and so they get easier each time we do them.”

 

Asha noted that there’s often a nagging, scolding internal voice that often accompanies our attempts to change a habit. Charles acknowledged this, and said that the key is to remember you’re on a journey, and that we shouldn’t expect change to occur all at once.

 

Jill observed that she finds accountability to someone else helpful when trying to break a habit, and Charles confirmed that studies back her up: “Dozens of studies have shown that if you commit to a goal with a partner or group, you are much more likely to achieve it.”

 

Liasynthis wondered about how to ramp up one’s internal motivation to make a change. Charles recommended allowing yourself to really envision the change you want; as the goal seems increasingly real, he said, motivating yourself will become easier.

 

 

Once you’re in the groove with a new habit, how do you keep that groove from becoming a rut? Charles had this to say: “The secret is to give yourself evolving rewards. Every routine becomes boring at some point – so spice it up by choosing future rewards. When you start exercising, focus on a small reward – but after a month, choose something big and nice to give yourself if you stick with the work outs. Our brains love novelty. They assign reward value to something new. So vary your rewards, and it will be easier to stick with the plan.”

 

Holly and EllenRonnie both wondered, what if it’s not your own habit change you’re looking to motivate, but someone else’s? Charles acknowledged how difficult this can be, and offered that studies suggest the best approach is to explain “why YOU want them to change: how their habits impact your life, or why you are scared what will happen if they don’t change. Show your own vulnerabilities, and it will help them feel safe enough to admit to themselves that something isn’t working.”

 

I found it incredibly empowering to know that an expert in the field firmly believes that ANY habit can be changed. And it was so heartening to know that it’s better if the process of habit change feels good, not bad. Regarding the role of enjoyment in habit change, Charles had this to say: “Rewards are powerful because we enjoy them. If you berate yourself for enjoying a piece of chocolate or 10 minutes watching television, then you rob a reward of its influence. It’s okay to INDULGE yourself! Go ahead! That’s how you create new habits!”

 

Further reading and resources:

 

Winning the Chore War: How to Get Kids to Help Around the House

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So, how are the chore wars going around your house? We do not have them over at my place. That is because a “war” involves engagement from both sides. At my house, one side mutters, “For the love of Pete, how can you get dirty clothes over every square inch of your room and STILL miss the hamper?” and the other side stares with confusion and mild concern, as if his mother were having some sort of nervous breakdown in Portuguese.

 

Today in The Motherhood, Dr. Deborah Gilboa of Ask Dr. G was joined by a panel of expert moms, including Mysti Reutlinger, Jessica Torres, Kimberly, Jennifer A. Hall, and Stefanie Mullen to discuss all things to do with our kids’ chores.

 

Why Bother?

 

First off, why do we even have our kids do chores? After all, much of the time, by the time we finish telling our kids what to do (the first time) we could have done it ourselves. Many of us agreed with Kimberly, who has her kids do chores to learn responsibility, and with Jessica, who also likes them to learn to help around the house. Mysti wants her kids to learn the value of contribution, and Cooper added that she wants her kids to feel like “part of a team.”

 

Most of the panelists have their kids do chores that help the whole family, like unloading the dishwasher, rather than just picking up after themselves. That supports the concept that we do chores because we’re part of a family, part of a team. When one of my kids complains (usually about picking up a sibling’s stuff), my response is, “Hey, I don’t wear your underwear, but I wash it.”

 

Dr. G offered another benefit of chore participation: “As kids get older they usually distance themselves from the family. This is a great way to show them how integral they are to the family unit, and keep them connected. Even if they don’t like it, everyone likes to be needed.”

 

 

When to Start?

 

How old does a child have to be to have chores? Not very, it turns out, as long as the chores they have are age-appropriate. For example, most of our panel started teaching their kids to pick up and put away toys as soon as they were able to walk (the kids, not the toys; if the toys could walk they could put themselves away). Dr. G offers free resources, including a chart showing appropriate chores by age. With toddlers, singing “Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Clean Up” can be an effective cue to start picking up. With teenagers, Deborah pointed out, it can be even more effective, because they will do anything to get their mom to stop singing. Hey, whatever works.

 

Deborah made another excellent point: “Asking a child to do a specific chore without actually teaching that chore, is a lesson in defeat. Some chores have to be taught many times. ” The panel echoed her sentiments, and Mysti said, “We try to introduce only one new chore per month that requires learning. That gives us ample time to reinforce how the process progresses.” Dr. G affirmed that while it would be faster to do a given chore ourselves, it’s “still important to teach each skill and then “let” them practice until they move out!” I agree–the hour I spent showing my son, step by step, how to clean a bathroom was some of the  best time I’ve ever invested.

 

To Pay, or Not to Pay?

 

So, do you pay your kids for their chores? Or do you think allowance and chores should be kept separate? The panel and participants had varying opinions. Dr. G said, “I think tying allowance to chores gives the false idea that chores are optional – the child could always give up the (money) and opt out of helping.”  Jennifer felt that kids should be rewarded for doing their chores; Jessica ties chores to a point system, with her daughter being allowed to choose a reward after she’d gotten a certain number of points.  Mysti doesn’t give an allowance for chores, but uses  a work-hard, play-hard model:  “Once a month, we let the kids decide a fun outing as a reward for all their hard work.”

 

Kimberly offered, “We do give an allowance for chores. It’s not a lot though, as we do feel that there should be some responsibility at home.” Stefanie said, “We keep it separate in our house. You do chores because you live here and should contribute.” Other panelists were on board with that rationale, though most agreed that they would pay the child for doing a bigger task that wasn’t a part of their regular chores.

 

Dr. G noted, “We do have consequences for not helping, but don’t reward for helping. We praise and appreciate (and ask them to notice what we do for them).” And really, isn’t that something we all want?

 

Making it Easier

 

We all know words are powerful, and the word “chore” is powerfully unappealing: it just sounds like drudgery. Dr. G recommended taking a poll around the dinner table to rename the concept to make it easier to deal with. “Tidying,” for example, sounds a little more quick and brisk.

 

Many of us struggle with whining from kids who don’t want to do chores, or having to repeatedly remind kids to do them. Stefanie said that getting kids in the habit of doing their chores from a young age helps: “We started them young and now they just do it because it is what they do.” If you didn’t start early, though, don’t fret; it’s never too late to learn. Missing out on a fun activity or use of a game or toy can be a consequence for not getting a chore done. And Dr. G says that the imposition of an additional task to do can be an effective consequence for whining about chores.

 

In the end, as Stefanie said, “Doing chores around the house is more about teaching my kids to be responsible adults as they prepare to leave my house than forcing them to do work.”  Raising good adults–that’s number one on every mom’s to-do list. Teaching our kids to do some of the other stuff frees us up to do it.