One of the really beautiful things about The Motherhood is seeing moms come together and support each other around issues that can be so isolating.
Postpartum depression, anxiety, psychosis and OCD fall into that basket. Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress, along with Kimberly of All Work And No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something, Jaime of James and Jax, and Beth Anne of The Heir to Blair talked with us today and made it clear: if you’re struggling with postpartum mood disorders, you’re not crazy. And you’re most definitely not alone.
Below are some highlights from today’s talk.
If you have PPD (or think you do)…
– Don’t suffer in silence.
– Remember that this is not your fault. It is an illness, not a weakness and it doesn’t discriminate.
– Understand that the “baby blues” are related to hormones and usually resolve within two weeks after birth. PPD is different: it’s a serious (and treatable) mental illness.
– Know that different meds and treatments work differently for everyone. If something’s not working for you, speak up. It’s the only way you can get the help you need.
– Realize that bipolar disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as PPD (something to consider if symptoms don’t resolve despite extended treatment).
– Don’t assume that taking meds to help with PPD precludes breastfeeding. You may be able to do both—talk to your doctor.
– Make time for yourself. It’s not frivolous and it’s not selfish.
– Listen to yourself and advocate for yourself. If people are telling you what you’re going through is normal, but you don’t feel it is, trust your gut.
– Struggling with either depression or sleep deprivation is a huge stress. Struggling with them together, maybe with a colicky baby on top of it all, is something no one should go through alone.
– Support groups, both in-person and online, can be a tremendous help (See the resources listed toward the end of this post).
– Know that having PPD following one pregnancy doesn’t necessarily mean you will have it in future pregnancies. And even if you do, you can put a plan in place to make things better.
– You may feel like you should be “over it by now,” but pain is pain, and you recover when you recover.
– It’s common to experience setbacks, where you think you’re better but then go back to a period of feeling bad again.
If you love someone with PPD:
Dos and Don’ts: Kimberly says, “Do call. Always. Make sure that the mom knows that (someone is) available to listen. PPD is very isolating.” At the same time, story3girl cautioned, “Don’t offer too much advice unless they ask for it. Support and presence are more helpful.”
Several moms mentioned the need for some “alone time:” Imperfectmomma noted, “I ask for babysitters constantly. But most of the time? I just leave my kids with my husband and take a nice long time out. Time out is necessary for me.” Katherine Stone affirmed that for her, “time alone and a breather was very important… Just having some space to not be freaked out over how well I was taking care of the baby or if the baby was crying. Someone to watch my baby if I went to therapy.”
But not everyone craves time by herself. Jodi.k.hitchcock said, “For me, being alone was the worst thing. Then I was alone with my thoughts which would quickly spin out of control. What worked best was having someone come over and bring dinner (so I did not have to worry about cooking!) then I would take a nap with them there to take care of the baby. I was not left alone but I was able to get a break.”
The bottom line: every mom’s needs are different. Ask what your friend needs, and listen to the answer. It may not be the same thing you would want in her shoes.
…And how NOT to help:
Even those who love us can say unhelpful things. Motherhood on the Rocks had someone close to her say, in light of MOTR’s postpartum OCD, “And now you want to have another one?” Another common theme, voiced by becca_lizabeth, is people telling her how smart and lucky she is, as if recognizing those things would somehow erase PPD. Other moms, like Katherine, have been told that they just need to “have more faith.”
It seems like many people haven’t gotten the memo that serving up a steaming helping of guilt doesn’t erase postpartum depression, anxiety, or OCD. When listening to hurtful comments, it may help to remember, as Brandie and Katherine noted, that the statement might have been the loved one’s well-intended (if poorly worded) expression of her own fear and concern.
Lexi asked “Does anyone deal with spouse or significant other still seeing you as you were before you got better, and have trouble separating who you are from how you acted when you were not well?” Her experience was not an isolated one. Amber Koter echoed, “…It’s easy for my husband to blame PPD when we argue, even though that is not at all the case and hasn’t been for about 3 yrs.” Katherine suggested that it can be helpful to bring a partner along to a therapy session to hear a doctor or counselor confirm that you’re okay.
Preparing to have another baby:
Katherine says, “You can’t ensure 100% (that you won’t have issues in a future pregnancy). But you can do many things to minimize. I had my psychiatric team watching over me during my pregnancy and afterward. I had my husband and mom watching me and helping out with a lot of stuff so I could get more rest. There were more people ready to offer all sorts of support. Jaime of JamesandJax recommended the book “What Am I Thinking? Having a Baby After Postpartum Depression,” by Katherine Kleiman. Veggiebeth acknowledged that she knows women are “more predisposed to get PPD again if (they) have had it once. However, I now know what can happen and can seek help immediately without shame.”
Resources:
Whether you’re suffering from PPD/PPA/PPOCD or care about someone who is, check out Katherine Stone’s wonderful blog, Postpartum Progress. Don’t miss the post “20 Things I NEVER Want to Hear or Read Again, Postpartum Depression Edition.”)
Also from Katherine, Child Care Services for Moms With Postpartum Depression And Few Resources.
To find PPD support groups in your area, click here. If no group is available near you, Kimberly urged mom not to underestimate the value of online groups, offering that there is one on twitter every Monday (Search #PPDChat).
If you’re thinking about trying to conceive again, What Am I Thinking? Having a Baby After Postpartum Depression (and other books by Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW).
Kimberly eloquently spoke for so many of us when she said this: “I just want to let you all know that you are all strong and beautiful and so worth the fight. Know that you are never alone in this battle. There is always someone here to help shoulder this weight with you. Keep fighting Mommas.”
You can read the entire Talk transcript here.
