Good Enough is the New Perfect

On April 28, 2011, authors Becky Gillespie and Hollee Temple hosted a Talk in TheMotherhood to discuss their new book, Good Enough is the New Perfect.

 

The participants chatted about when they feel judged, when they are most likely to feel guilty, and how to let go of perfection and realize they are good enough – and that’s perfect!

 

Read on for the highlights of the conversation!

 

A book idea is born

 

“Becky and I had been friends since college, but motherhood brought us back together,” said host Hollee Temple. “We were talking about the challenges we faced as moms with ambition who also wanted to be present for their kids. And when we looked around, there wasn’t a book out there. So we decided to write it ourselves!”

 

“Women kept telling us that they felt alone in their choices,” added host Becky Gillespie. “It was hard to find other women who were approaching work and motherhood in the same way, largely because women have so many choices today.”

 

Moms in social media

 

Becky pointed to the Internet and general upbringing as factors that overwhelm us: access to huge amounts of information, and being told as children that we could do anything – making us feel like we should know and do EVERYTHING.

 

“The Internet both connects us and isolates us,” host Becky pointed out. She noted that she and Hollee, as they conducted research and interviews for their book, found that “the most successful women were strategic in how they used the Internet… Some found a lot of comfort in connecting with other moms who were experiencing similar struggles…  Others found it overwhelming. But that latter group was often able to strike a middle ground once they became more strategic in their use.”

 

Participant Chrysula agreed, “The internet/social media becomes this huge addiction and time suck, but also a critical space in which to feel heard and regroup. You then can pull back over time and find focus and choose the spaces where you are growing and feel most comfortable (often not the same). And you scale back to pay proper attention to the real people around you.”

 

Feeling guilt

 

As multi-tasking moms, many women often felt guilty about spending time on work instead of family, and vice versa.

Co-host Lara Galloway said, “I used to feel guilty all the time whenever my kids wanted my attention but I needed to get some work done. Felt like I was always stealing time from my family.”

 

On the bright side, “the guilt can be useful as it forces me to ask myself if this is a legitimate interruption of work or family time, or can the matter wait or be redirected,” added participant Chrysula. “But when I accept that whatever it is needs to be attended to at that moment, the guilt is no longer useful, and it simply has to be cast aside for action.”

 

Host Becky Gillespie concluded, “a good mom also models a balanced life. My hope is that when I allow myself time to work, time to be with my girls, time for myself, I’ll teach my girls to allow the same for themselves as adults. Or at least that’s what I tell myself so I won’t feel guilty.”

 

The need for perfection

 

Guilt often stems from trying – and failing – to attain an ideal of perfection.  And on top of that, failing to attain that perfection sometimes leaves us feeling judged by other moms.

 

“I feel the need to be perfect when I’m working on something I’m deeply passionate about. I felt that way about the book. But that felt like a ‘healthy’ perfection because I wanted to go for it,” host Becky said. “Unhealthy perfection happens when I do something only because I’m afraid I’ll be judged … like when I go crazy cleaning my house to impress.”

 

“It sounds silly, but I feel pressure at my children’s pre-school and academy!” said co-host Nikki Williams. “I feel like all the other moms are watching me and waiting for me to make a mistake on snack day, dressing my kids in the right uniform pieces, my choice of food items to contribute on party day, etc.”

 

Added co-host Kristin Maschka, “I think my ‘perfect mom’ kicks in most around time with my daughter and whether we are getting her all the right experiences she’ll need as an adult. I try to step back and realize she gets tons of ‘parent’ time – with me, dad, grandma and grandpa, and friends who have become like ‘parents.’”

 

“The best thing about being ‘good enough’ is that you can choose when to aim high … and when to let it go,” said host Hollee Temple. “I love just telling people not to notice the mess.”

 

Takeaways from the book

 

So what would Hollee and Becky like women to get from their book?

 

“I hope they will feel less alone. And I hope they will realize that work/life balance issues are worthy of public conversation,” said host Hollee Temple. “It’s so much easier when you can talk it out with people who have been there.”

 

Added host Becky Gillespie, “I think once women realize how many others struggle with these issues it will be easier to leave behind the comparisons and start choosing for themselves.”

 

“This is exactly how I felt after reading the book,” affirmed participant Shannon. “I felt less alone and I do believe this is a very worthy topic in our society.”

 

“It’s so important – that ‘I’m not alone’ feeling – because it also means we are able to open up and have the honest conversations we need to unpack WHY we have the perfectionism,” added co-host Kristin Maschka. “Namely, the long history of cultural expectations that have been heaped on ‘mothers.’ We aren’t simply ‘perfectionists’ as if it’s a flaw. There are lots of societal reasons for that perfectionism.”

 

Co-host Nikki Williams pointed out, “To make good things happen, I really think you must expect those good things and work hard to make good things happen! I hope other moms, other women, will read the stories in the book and know things can get better!”

 

Learn more

 

Learn more about Good Enough is the New Perfect: http://thenewperfect.com

 

Buy the book on Amazon: http://amzn.to/newperfect

 

Remodeling Motherhood, by Kristin Maschka: http://www.remodelingmotherhood.com

 

Thanks to Hollee and Becky for joining us for a fascinating discussion, and thanks to their wonderful co-hosts, too!

 

Lara Galloway

Kristin Maschka

Nikki Williams

 

 

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62192