How to Unspoil Your Child Fast

Today in TheMotherhood, moms gathered to “bring spoiling out of the closet” and discuss ways to unspoil kids – or avoid spoiling them in the first place!  Led by host Richard Bromfield, Ph.D. and author of How to Unspoil Your Child Fast, the chat was insightful and interesting and provided some good guidelines for getting started.  Check out the highlights below to learn more!

– Definition of Spoiling: Spoiling means to harm the character of a child by being too lenient or indulgent. Though, at its worst, spoiling can harm character, in milder forms, it can rob children of opportunities to learn life skills that will help them survive and thrive as teens and adults in a world that – unlike your loving homes – won’t coddle, indulge, and rescue them.

– Your Kids Might Be Spoiled: If they frequently whine or demand. If you spend a lot of time yelling, cajoling, bribing, paying for every ounce of cooperation. If they routinely ignore you. If you have lots of moments when you dislike them or wonder why you became a parent.

– Why We Spoil: A majority of parents see their own children as spoiled (and also feel handcuffed to do anything about it). It has been a creeping process that has been fueled mostly by the influence of advertising and media, making everyone want and need more. Previous generations indulged less (or differently), but it can’t be that those parents were good and we are not. We are up against huge and powerful forces that lead us to indulge.

– Don’t Confuse Showing Love with Spoiling: NEVER mix up “showing love” with “spoiling.”  My kids can be in “trouble” and getting a consequence, but I will ALWAYS hug them and tell them I love them, even if I don’t like what they did and they get a consequence.

– How to Handle Saying Sorry: In our house, sorry is a must. But it doesn’t replace the hurt, anger, etc., the person you have wronged may be feeling. And if you’ve lied, saying sorry doesn’t automatically restore my trust in you.  That said, saying sorry is a huge step forward and so I always thank the child for saying sorry, and if it’s a situation that allows it, I explain that although they apologized, I’m still hurt, angry, etc., and it will take time for me to work through it. For me, it’s similar to what we try to teach them about please. Saying please doesn’t ensure the person will do whatever you added please to, but it’s a nice gesture and shows that you care about the person you are requesting something from.

– Ways to Unspoil: Commit to it. Easier said than done. But without that, parents are cooked.  Give less and do less.  Refuse to negotiate.  Stop bribing.  Give up idle threats.  Again, these are all, “so what else is new.”  But for lots of good reasons, loving parents seem unable to do them (even when they want to).  Richard’s book, rather than presenting anything parents don’t know, is meant to give a way of implementing it that cannot fail.

– Thoughts on Negotiating: Explain to your kids that when they negotiate on everything, you have no way to know what’s important to them and what’s not.  When your kids approach you to negotiate only on issues they feel are really important, you can be more open to considering their point, because you know they feel strongly about it.

– Thoughts on Bribing: Bribing is fine when your child is facing a challenging medical procedure or needs to be brought out of a dangerous situation, perhaps. But otherwise, it is a slippery endeavor that teaches children to be paid for cooperation, effort, consideration, and so on. Not a great lesson.

– Asking Kids to Pitch In: Here’s what I tell my twins when they complain about their ‘jobs’ around the house: “Mommy and Daddy have jobs around the house (laundry, cleaning, etc.), and these are your jobs. Are you a part of this family? Then you have jobs too.”

– How to Respond to, “But My Friends’ Parents Got Them…!”: You have to get reacquainted with your own judgment. Obviously, because other kids get it or because your friends buy it for their kids isn’t a good reason. (Even though it pressures us.) Think too, what more precious gifts are your children losing because they get too much. If they always get something and get it fast, they cannot learn patience and self-contentment. Many of today’s children feel truly devastated and unloved every time they do not get a demand met.

When we have babies, we do not envision raising indulged children. We have nobler images of raising children fit for the world. Watch Animal Planet, and you see that every animal seems to grasp that their job is to raise children who can survive in a world without them. Today’s parents have forgotten that purpose, perhaps, because we want our children to need us a lot and forever. But what is the price of that?

Thank you to Richard Bromfield and our awesome co-hosts:

Felicia Carter, Go Graham Go

Janine, Twincident

Julie Pippert, Using My Words

Kim Daboo, ClumberKim

Liz Thompson, This Full House

Sky Seery, Seeryus Mama

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62088