Succeeding as a Single Parent

Being a parent is hard. I don’t care who you are or how much money you have, or how smart you used to feel before you had kids. I’ve never met a mother who felt she had it completely under control, all the time.

Being a single parent has its own challenges, of course. No matter whether you become a single parent by choice or circumstance, in some ways, it makes a hard job even harder. No live-in backup when you need to take a break. Maybe no one to remind you, when you’ve lost all perspective and feel like you’re doing it all wrong, that you’re a wonderful person succeeding at one of the hardest jobs in the world.

But just as single parenthood has its hardships, it carries with it unexpected joys and blessings. Today in The Motherhood, we talked about managing the challenges and cultivating the rewards of single parenthood with talk host Issa Mas of Single Mama NYC and panelists Shannon of The Mommy-Files, Crystal of Kid Things, Linda of NYC Single Mom, and Teresa of TeresaOlvera.com.

There are Challenges…

The challenge most frequently cited by the moms we talked with today was simply, “never enough hands,” as Crystal put it. Teresa said, “The hardest part was when I was sick or working. I was the one that had to take the time off of work. I had to make sure (my daughter) made it to the dentist appointments. But when it came time for when I was sick, she had to learn to be there for me.” The upside, she noted, was that facing those challenges together made for a closer relationship over the years. Also difficult, Teresa pointed out, was missing her daughter on holidays when she was with her other parent.

One talk participant, who is a recent widow, spoke of going to her child’s back to school events: “It’s tough going alone, knowing there isn’t anyone there to laugh with or make fun of goofy speakers with.”

Issa Mas shared advice that is helpful with regard to both administrative and emotional challenges: “I am a believer in a little bit of planning and forethought going a long way. If you can sit down and identify what your challenges are or will be and try to address those needs before they arrive, it lessens stress considerably.” Sometimes just knowing what you’re facing helps you to be ready for it.

… and Rewards

Richard Bach wrote, “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.” And whatever problems are inherent in being the sole grownup-in-charge, they come bearing gifts.  One mom enjoys all the one-on-one time she gets with her child. Linda loves hearing her daughter acknowledge that she’s a good mommy. Shannon hears her sons using good manners (with one another, no less!) and thinks to herself, “I did that – I taught them to do that.” Those are no small things–they’re signposts along the path, reminding you that yes, you are headed the right way.  For the road is long, is it not? One of Teresa’s rewarding moments was seeing her daughter on her first day of college. And she guided her child to that proud day.

One of the great rewards of single parenting can be, as Issa Mas puts it, “growing your village.” Sometimes partnered parents are a unit unto themselves, and if it works, that’s great. But when you’re parenting on your own, it becomes necessary to build a network of trusted friends and family for those inevitable times when you need help or encouragement. It might be as practical as a group of other moms to trade off child care with. It may be as life-changing as creating a chosen family: aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents who may not be related by blood, but by choice and love.

Don’t Forget About You

You’ve heard it before: parenting is like being on an airplane when the cabin pressure drops. The oxygen masks fall, and the temptation is to make sure your child’s mask is on, that they’re protected. But the reality is that if you don’t put your own mask on, you’ll be no good to anyone.

When you’re a single parent, self-care is your oxygen mask. It gives you what you need to be a better parent, and you should no more feel guilty about having it than you would about needing to take a deep breath of oxygen. Teaching the kids to pull their weight around the house is a form of self-care, as well as a means to build mastery in self-esteem in your kids. (As most of our panelists acknowledge, though, getting the kids to be helpful is something of a process. I guess some things are the same no matter how many parents are in the house.) Time to yourself, especially with friends who understand, is another important component of self-care. Being a mom is wonderful, but so is eating chocolate-covered doughnuts–and you wouldn’t want to do that 24/7 without a break, either.

It Gets Better, and Other Words of Wisdom

Single parenting can be overwhelming sometimes, especially if you’re new to it.  Crystal says, “it does get easier. It may not be today or tomorrow, but it really does get easier. You’ll get into a routine and most day-to-day stuff won’t seem quite so difficult anymore.” Teresa reminds us, ” Try to do your best to have a decent relationship with the child’s father. Try to get along as much as you can.” Sometimes easier said than done, but always worth striving for. She also urges, “Try to be flexible with your child’s schedule and make time for you. Make sure you still live your life. Your child wants to see you independent so that they can learn from you.”

Good advice, from women who have been there, who are there, who are there for each other. Sounds like the village got a little bigger today.