The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life’s Little Imperfections

Why is it that no matter how great things might be going in our lives, we will focus on the one thing that isn’t?
When issues nag at us (I’m too heavy; my friend didn’t call back; my daughter isn’t focusing in school; etc.), the discontent can affect our whole lives.
Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of Self magazine, and women’s health psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf, M.D. led a conversation in The Motherhood to get at this phenomenon and talk about ways of overcoming it and becoming happier.
Lucy and Catherine’s book, The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life’s Little Imperfections looks at happiness in terms of nine rooms in a house – love and intimacy (the bedroom), friends (the living room), body image and health (the bathroom), etc.
Following are the highlights of the conversation.

 

What makes you happy?

 

Said co-host Jennifer James, “Chocolate frosted mini wheats. I can’t keep my hand out of the box. Help!”

 

And participant Brandie added, “The piano tuner just left. Before he left he played for us. Absolutely beautiful. And unexpected. Loved it!”

 

“It is ALL about the simple pleasures,” co-host Christine Koh concluded. “On my personal blog, I’ve started reflecting weekly on gratitude… all the little things, plus the big ones too.”

 

What makes you unhappy?

 

On the flip side, Lucy asked everyone to share what was making them unhappy, when everything should be going well.  Comments flooded in: cold weather, sick kids, unfinished projects, feeling overscheduled…

 

“Work!” said participant Glennia. “My job is in utter chaos … The chaos spills over into other aspects of my life too often.”

 

In dealing with stress at work, Lucy told the group first to think about the good things, and then “think about what you want to change.  We say in TNROH that ‘Not to decide is to decide,’ which essentially means if you’re STAYING with a job there is a reason … But we also say: Go or GROW … meaning go along with the status quo or take a leap of faith and a risk and grow into the next thing.”

 

But there are other common stressors.  Co-host Nicole Feliciano, Momtrends, struck a chord with everyone when she said, “An overpacked schedule makes me unhappy.  Is this the price of being a mom and a business owner?”

 

Responded Lucy, “You ARE busy and you wish you had more time for you. When you can, try to schedule in an hour JUST FOR YOU! … You’ll feel centered and more equipped to cope.”

 

As a general rule, she added, “I know it’s easy to let the exterior things get you down. We can find the happiest part of what is going right, and make THAT the thing that brings everything else UP.”

 

Going back to the house, said Catherine, “Once you identify your main problems, you can organize them into rooms … like if it’s an issue feeling intimate with your husband, you’re in the bedroom. Or if it’s the fear of how you are going to balance your work now that you have a newborn, it’s the office. The rooms of the house help keep it in perspective … at least organizationally, so you don’t get overwhelmed.”

 

Learning to say “no” and shake off anxiety

 

Living an overscheduled life undoubtedly can be a factor in generating stress and making us feel more anxious.

 

To deal with overscheduling, Lucy advised, “what we all have to be better at is learning to say YES to what we love in life, and what we need to say NO to that is depleting and destructive to our health and happiness.”

 

For existing anxiety, the Talk participants all had their own ways of coping.

 

Co-host Momtrends springs into action. “What are the things I can work on? … Getting organized always makes me feel less anxious.”

 

Others preferred methods of calming themselves.  JamieMKE turns to “Prayer. Slow breathing. Reminding myself that everything will be okay.”

 

Deborah strikes a balance: “I walk it out. And talk to my husband. I’m really beginning to believe that meditation works. I paint and journal a lot.”

 

Catherine advised, “Anxiety can be a normal part of daily life, but it can also be too much at times, making us feel nutty. I agree that getting organized can really help. Also identifying people or resources that can help you. And if you still find that you just can’t relax and this anxiety is infiltrating your life, think about talking to a good friend or confidant about it. It’s often a great first step in trying to see what’s at the core. If you can’t or want to keep it more private, consider seeing a professional. No shame in seeking therapy!”

 

The 10^th room: recharge your batteries

 

And in Lucy and Catherine’s metaphorical nine-room house of happiness, there is a secret: a 10^th room for that essential “me time.”

 

Or, as participant Glennia called it, “a mom cave.”

 

Catherine noted that we all need “a place or space where you can sanction your ‘down time’ … the place (metaphysically speaking) you can go to think, be, recharge.”

 

And don’t let it make you feel guilty.  “The rest of the world will still be waiting for you when you emerge,” Lucy pointed out. “But YOU will feel so much stronger and happier.”

 

“I love to start my day with prayer, a great workout, a delicious breakfast, and some hot coffee!” said participant JamieMKE. “These things help me feel invigorated!”

 

“The days where I start out with something just for me (e.g., yoga), I am more focused and energized and happy through the rest of the day,” agreed co-host Christine.

 

 

Letting go of perfection

 

One root of anxiety many participants struggled with was the idea of being “perfect,” and how to let go of that desire for perfection.

 

“It’s not easy for any of us!” said Catherine. “That’s for sure. But not all 9 rooms in the house need to be neat and tidy emotionally to find pleasure in what IS going right in your life.”

 

Lucy pointed out, “The real goal is to be happier, or content, or feel gratitude, even when the little messes exist around you. Not to let those rob your overall emotional well being. That there are messes is just reality, a part of life. Being happy despite the messes is the point.”

 

Christine, a former scientist, suggested “collecting data. As in, you experiment with things not being perfect and you see that it works out OK in the end. That has helped me a lot in my letting go journey.”

 

To learn more and buy the book to help you on your own journey toward happiness, visit The Nine Rooms of Happiness website, http://www.ninerooms.com.

 

 

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62125