Mindful Mothering: Parenting in the Here and Now

Women striving for mindfulness gathered in TheMotherhood to talk about the best ways to be present in the moment, live more fully day-to-day and focus attention on their kids.

 

Led by hosts Karen Maezen Miller, Katrina Kension and Tracy Mayor, the group offered up plenty of great advice.  Read the highlights below, or click here to see the entire conversation.

 

What is “mindfulness,” exactly?

 

“It is a state of open-minded awareness, or attention, with no distracting inner dialogue. So it actually means ‘mindlessness’,” explained host Karen Maezen Miller.

 

“For me,” added participant Holland, “It is more about being fully present and not just knee jerk reacting to the next moment whether good or bad.”

 

It’s not always easy being mindful

 

Said co-host M Resnick, “I feel like I am being tested daily with mindful mothering because of life situations (namely my son’s disability and my dad’s cancer) and there is a part of me that wants to yell at the universe and say, ‘I get it…. I need to work on mindfulness and staying present, but isn’t there another way to teach me this? A slightly easier path?’  I guess not!”

 

Being present with your kids

 

Celina Wyss, one of the Talk participants, admitted that she sometimes had trouble engaging with her six-year-old daughter. “I have never been great at playing make believe games or with toys. What is a way I can be more present with her and still do something I enjoy too?”

 

“I totally feel this way too,” responded co-host Lindsey Mead. “I just don’t love crafts, for example. So we read, which I love to do, or we go for walks, which I enjoy, and talk about the sky, what we see, etc.”

 

Participant Brandie suggested doing “a mix of things you like and she likes. Also, tell her in advance [that] mom will play for 15 minutes. And set a timer if you must. So she gets time with you, but there’s a limit, so you won’t have to worry about losing it in the middle of the game!”

 

“I take a very relaxed stance to playing,” added co-host Stacy Lewis. “I am available to being included but I don’t lead the play or ‘act like a kid.’ But I do dedicate a time during the day that I am available to play in this way (my kids call it cuddle time)… It fills their cup. And mine too.”

 

Let go of worry, stress, anger

 

“I think of worry as the very useless energy I send toward things I have absolutely no control over,” said host Katrina Kenison. “I think we can give up worry and remain engaged; it’s more a question of turning our attention to things that we can actually do, and letting go of that energy we expend on things we’re helpless to control.”

 

And when you’re in an argument with your kids – empathy is the key to staying calm.

 

“EMPATHY in high doses allows the parent to maintain love and calmness and keeps the heart and mind of your children open to talking with you,” commented CoachCarl2011. “EMPATHY first and if you cannot manage your stress, just say ‘I love you too much too argue with you, we’ll talk later.’”

 

“This is a great point,” said host Tracy Mayor. “You are immediately calmer and more focused when you’re being empathetic, because you’re out of yourself and in the other person. If you’re lucky, your kids will notice this and become empathetic themselves.”

 

But even when you are in the midst of chaos, be present in the moment, because as Karen Maezen Miller noted, “Mindfulness is not always calm.”

 

It’s okay to say “no”

 

When we are pulled in a million different directions – volunteering with groups our kids participate in, parenting our own families, indulging our own interests – it can be hard to enjoy the moment.

 

“Seems like the more I am involved in my kids activities (school, cub scouts, etc) the less time I have for my own family. I am beginning to resent what I once enjoyed….” said participant Shannon K.

 

“It’s always OK to say no, without resentment or guilt,” said Karen Maezen Miller. “No by itself is pure wisdom. The guilt, remorse and anger are not.”

 

Holland advised saying, “‘it’s not a priority for me’ as opposed to ‘I don’t have time,’ and then I have to NOT worry about being judged by the person.”

 

Kim the Sleep Lady has a similar line she uses to turn down volunteer positions when her schedule is full.  “This is my favorite line when asked and sometimes pressured in to volunteering: ‘I am practicing saying NO more often so I although this opportunity or cause sounds great, I will have to decline.’ I have YET to have anyone have a single good comeback!”

 

Remember to recharge

 

“Finding small moments to carve out for yourself to ‘refill the well’ is vital,” said co-host Elizabeth Thomas. “My best friend has three small children, and she writes songs after they go to bed. Not because she wants to be a songwriter, but because it revives her spirit.”

 

“I think it’s a gift that I give my children when I get away,” commented participant Christine. “When I was growing up my step-mother never did, but she had a lot of resentment. I think it shows our kids that we have lives, and that we think it’s important to take care of ourselves too.”

 

“What recharges us changes, too,” Katrina Kenison reminded the group. “There are times when what we need more than anything is to laugh with friends over a glass of wine. Other times when I know to take myself to the woods alone for a good long hike, till my muscles ache and my spirit is soaring.”

 

Don’t try so hard

 

“Even a few moments of pure mindfulness (unadulterated attention to your child) are a gift,” said Katrina Kenison. “Just offer 15 minutes and feel good about that!”

 

Co-host Sarah B added, “I so often notice that my ‘best’ parenting moments are when I’m not trying.”

 

“Being calm and happy tends to radiate to everything, doesn’t it?” agreed co-host denise. “I remind myself of that often!”

 

Links

 

NYT – Frazzled Moms Push Back on Volunteering http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/02/garden/02parents.html

 

 

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62138