kids

So, how are the chore wars going around your house? We do not have them over at my place. That is because a “war” involves engagement from both sides. At my house, one side mutters, “For the love of Pete, how can you get dirty clothes over every square inch of your room and STILL miss the hamper?” and the other side stares with confusion and mild concern, as if his mother were having some sort of nervous breakdown in Portuguese.

Today in The Motherhood, Dr. Deborah Gilboa of Ask Dr. G was joined by a panel of expert moms, including Mysti Reutlinger, Jessica Torres, Kimberly, Jennifer A. Hall, and Stefanie Mullen to discuss all things to do with our kids’ chores.

Why Bother?

First off, why do we even have our kids do chores? After all, much of the time, by the time we finish telling our kids what to do (the first time) we could have done it ourselves. Many of us agreed with Kimberly, who has her kids do chores to learn responsibility, and with Jessica, who also likes them to learn to help around the house. Mysti wants her kids to learn the value of contribution, and Cooper added that she wants her kids to feel like “part of a team.”

Most of the panelists have their kids do chores that help the whole family, like unloading the dishwasher, rather than just picking up after themselves. That supports the concept that we do chores because we’re part of a family, part of a team. When one of my kids complains (usually about picking up a sibling’s stuff), my response is, “Hey, I don’t wear your underwear, but I wash it.”

Dr. G offered another benefit of chore participation: “As kids get older they usually distance themselves from the family. This is a great way to show them how integral they are to the family unit, and keep them connected. Even if they don’t like it, everyone likes to be needed.”

When to Start?

How old does a child have to be to have chores? Not very, it turns out, as long as the chores they have are age-appropriate. For example, most of our panel started teaching their kids to pick up and put away toys as soon as they were able to walk (the kids, not the toys; if the toys could walk they could put themselves away). Dr. G offers free resources, including a chart showing appropriate chores by age. With toddlers, singing “Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Clean Up” can be an effective cue to start picking up. With teenagers, Deborah pointed out, it can be even more effective, because they will do anything to get their mom to stop singing. Hey, whatever works.

Deborah made another excellent point: “Asking a child to do a specific chore without actually teaching that chore, is a lesson in defeat. Some chores have to be taught many times. ” The panel echoed her sentiments, and Mysti said, “We try to introduce only one new chore per month that requires learning. That gives us ample time to reinforce how the process progresses.” Dr. G affirmed that while it would be faster to do a given chore ourselves, it’s “still important to teach each skill and then “let” them practice until they move out!” I agree–the hour I spent showing my son, step by step, how to clean a bathroom was some of the  best time I’ve ever invested.

To Pay, or Not to Pay?

So, do you pay your kids for their chores? Or do you think allowance and chores should be kept separate? The panel and participants had varying opinions. Dr. G said, “I think tying allowance to chores gives the false idea that chores are optional – the child could always give up the (money) and opt out of helping.”  Jennifer felt that kids should be rewarded for doing their chores; Jessica ties chores to a point system, with her daughter being allowed to choose a reward after she’d gotten a certain number of points.  Mysti doesn’t give an allowance for chores, but uses  a work-hard, play-hard model:  “Once a month, we let the kids decide a fun outing as a reward for all their hard work.”

Kimberly offered, “We do give an allowance for chores. It’s not a lot though, as we do feel that there should be some responsibility at home.” Stefanie said, “We keep it separate in our house. You do chores because you live here and should contribute.” Other panelists were on board with that rationale, though most agreed that they would pay the child for doing a bigger task that wasn’t a part of their regular chores.

Dr. G noted, “We do have consequences for not helping, but don’t reward for helping. We praise and appreciate (and ask them to notice what we do for them).” And really, isn’t that something we all want?

Making it Easier

We all know words are powerful, and the word “chore” is powerfully unappealing: it just sounds like drudgery. Dr. G recommended taking a poll around the dinner table to rename the concept to make it easier to deal with. “Tidying,” for example, sounds a little more quick and brisk.

Many of us struggle with whining from kids who don’t want to do chores, or having to repeatedly remind kids to do them. Stefanie said that getting kids in the habit of doing their chores from a young age helps: “We started them young and now they just do it because it is what they do.” If you didn’t start early, though, don’t fret; it’s never too late to learn. Missing out on a fun activity or use of a game or toy can be a consequence for not getting a chore done. And Dr. G says that the imposition of an additional task to do can be an effective consequence for whining about chores.

In the end, as Stefanie said, “Doing chores around the house is more about teaching my kids to be responsible adults as they prepare to leave my house than forcing them to do work.”  Raising good adults–that’s number one on every mom’s to-do list. Teaching our kids to do some of the other stuff frees us up to do it.