Author

“I can’t tell you how many people call themselves ‘recovering perfectionists,’” said Alina Tugend, author of Better By Mistake – the Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong, during her live Talk in themotherhood.com.

 

“Women in particular tend to agonize and beat themselves up over mistakes – more than men tend to do,” said Alina.  “That’s not necessarily good.  We have a hard time moving on and forgiving ourselves.”  Alina’s Talk in TheMotherhood brought to the fore how much the issue of allowing ourselves and our children to make mistakes weighs on mothers.
A few highlights from the Talk:
“I used to think I would have less mistakes as a parent with my second child.  Whoopsies. New kid = new opportunities for mistakes, that’s for sure.”
– Deborah King, Apples in Wonderland
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“I still make a lot of mistakes, but I think my reaction to them changed with my second child … Sometimes I think that becoming a mother helped me to let go of my ‘need’ to be a perfectionist.”
– Stacy Swann, My Life of What Ifs
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“I have five children…I make mistakes ALL the time…but I glean from the learning process along the way, which leads me to my question.   Should we really view mistakes as mistakes, or instead view them as a refining tool?”
– Wendy Horning, Journey to Ezer
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“In our society, we fail to see the benefits of making mistakes because we’re so focused on results. In other cultures, the emphasis is more on effort and process. We need to let go of the laser-like focus on results as much as possible.”
– Alina Tugend, Better By Mistake
To view this post in the Talk, click here

 
“I felt that I had a good or at least healthy attitude about mistakes, but now that my oldest is almost 17, my fears or control issues are back in full force. I am trying daily to combat it. To acknowledge both my fears and that I cannot control another person’s need to make their own mistakes. Right? It seems like mistakes now can be so much bigger and life-long. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.”
– Deborah King, Apples in Wonderland
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“I’ve learned it’s okay to let your children see you cry, to let them see you sad, to let them see that you get overwhelmed and that you are tired and sometimes you make the wrong the decision as a parent. I’ve learned to apologize when you are wrong. And that sometimes you admit that you’ve yelled – not because of what they did – but because you are having a crappy day and it’s not their fault and even though you shouldn’t’ take it out on them, you are sorry you did.  Otherwise they internalize they are the cause of your bad mood and they have to carry that around in their heart. “
– Brandie Langer, Journey of 1000 Stitches 
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“I tell my children when I make a mistake with them. I often apologize for things like rushing and not being super cheery about it with them due to my poor scheduling.”
– Wendy Horning, Journey to Ezer
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“We all make mistakes everyday. We get a really unfortunate message in our society that perfectionism is attainable – such as failure is not an option. Perfectionism is not an option and we need not only to realize that, but internalize it.”
– Alina Tugend, Better by Mistake
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“I never realized I was a perfectionist until I noticed that I wasn’t getting things (work related done). I was so overwhelmed by the task at hand and not knowing where to start to get it done – that I just avoided it.”
– Wendy Horning, Journey to Ezer
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“Some research on perfectionists and non-perfectionists taking a writing test showed that the non-perfectionists actually did better – because the perfectionists were so afraid of negative feedback that they failed to learn as well.”
– Alina Tugend, Better By Mistake
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“The trouble is, when we see no advantage to mistakes, then we hate them. We need to see that by avoiding mistakes, we often avoid risk, challenges and trying new things.”
– Alina Tugend, Better By Mistake
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“We can’t always expect our kids to be perfect either.  We basically set them up for failure when we put that kind of pressure on them.  On ourselves, as well.”
– Mimi Baker, Woven by Words
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“How could I expect them to be perfect when I mess things up all the time?!”
– Kim Chance, Savor the Days
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“It’s so hard to know when to share and when not to. Because we want to help them not make mistakes, and sometimes they actually need to make it to get the lesson into their heart/brain!”
– Brandie Langer, Journey of 1000 Stitches
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“For some reason, I think my own hindsight will give them future sight, but it just doesn’t work that way.”
– Mimi Baker, Woven by Words
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“Child-development experts talk about the best way to build self-esteem in our kids is not by constant praise but by letting them make mistakes and learn from them – by building resilience. This is so important. It’s hard when our children are unhappy, but they have to learn it’s okay to be uncomfortable. We can’t rush in and protect them all the time.”
– Alina Tugend, Better By Mistake
To view this post in the Talk, click here
“Our children need to learn that they can make mistakes and fail and recover. That is the most important lesson we can give them. And it’s a really hard one.”
– Alina Tugend, Better By Mistake
To view this post in the Talk, click here

 

 

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62139

We were honored to welcome back to TheMotherhood Judith Warner, the New York Times columnist and author of Perfect Madness and We’ve Got Issues, to talk with her about a book idea she is working on.  The topic was what we as women think about that time ahead when our kids don’t need us as much and when we begin to re-take ownership of our lives … and then what?

 

TheMotherhood members were very passionate on the topic, and Judith got the conversation going by posing some thoughtful questions. Read some of the comments below, but to summarize, here were the key conclusions:

 

·      As your kids get older, the physical demands on mothers become less, but the psychological ones may actually rise.

 

·      Moms feel conflicted about going back to work – or even other commitments because of that feeling that they want to be around to support their kids.

 

·      Some of these problems are societal: there are too few supports for working moms and too few flexible options.

 

·      Finding your way through this question may require adjusting your expectations.

 

Read on to see in what directions this exciting conversation wandered—and see if you agree with Warner and our other mom bloggers who brought such interesting viewpoints to the table:

 

 

INTERNAL OR EXTERNAL—WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE?

 

Judith Warner: I am struck by how many women enter periods of painful self-questioning right at the point when they reach midlife and face the crossroads of what to do – how to live, how to be – in the second halves of their lives. The easing-up of the most physically intensive years of motherhood brings more time and energy for self – and that can be, to put it mildly, a mixed blessing.

 

I am eager to hear of how others experience this life “passage.” Do you sail through it smoothly, or is it rocky and uncertain? How do you get to the other side? What fuels/sustains/guides you along the way? Do you find yourself questioning/wanting to change the circumstances of your life – or do you – as I tend to do – focus instead on changing yourself? And what role does external reality play in all this: the economy, the scope of your possible life choices, your relationships, your support systems, your health and financial resources? We tend to avoid those externals as topics of conversation, but I tend to think they play a very major role in how we conceive of, and navigate, this phase of our lives.

 

Domesticnotdead:  I’m actually right there, Judith. My son went off to kindergarten this year, and while I knew it was coming, and thought I was absolutely ready, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I had lost my job. So, I decided I wasn’t alone. Obviously everyone’s kids go off to school, and they figure out what to do with their lives. I did a little poking around, and realized that women were excited to use the brains they still had intact after cleaning up poop and spit up. I started a blog around this entire subject, praising and featuring women who have chosen to chase the dreams and kids all the while keeping their post-modern housewife status.

 

For sure, mothering never stops, and I think that’s why our generation has determined it’s the most important “job” to have. I think it’s why so many in our generation are leaving work to stay home. And those who may not be able to afford to quit or may not want to quit altogether, are being able to continue that work from home. It’s an exciting time.

 

Deborah: I suppose the question on what I’m going to do next does make me question myself. My boys need me in different ways and now my parents do too. I think reminding myself of my “lifework” instead of the more popular “worklife” helps.

 

Judith Warner: “Lifework” is great. Especially because it can mean something slightly different — yet equally vital — for each of us.

 

Emily:  I think it’s so interesting to look at the distinction between changing one’s circumstances and changing oneself. I think I look to doing both. One side of me wants to learn to be more zen and yoga-ified, and the other wants to move to a farm and try growing heirloom tomatoes in quantity

 

THE TRICK TO FINDING SOMETHING FLEXIBLE

 

Kristin: How do smart, capable women, experienced in the business world, figure out a way to get back into the workforce in a flexible way so that they can be around for their pre-teens/teenager? This is such a frustration for me and so many other women. The business world doesn’t seem to offer any flexible situations (except for the rare job-sharing or telecommuting arrangement).

 

Judith: See — I think this lack of flexibility, lack of social supports for parenthood, is always the backdrop against which we have these sorts of conversations. We have very circumscribed choices.

 

Julie Pippert: So true — when is that flexibility going to be more prevalent? Especially since studies keep showing how it works better and leads to more productivity!!

 

Kristin: So many of us share this frustration and feel that our “work” options are limited to volunteering, PTA, etc. Are there any companies/organizations that have done a good job harnessing the power of these smart, capable women, many of whom are available from 9-3 every day – but don’t want to commute or become road warriors?

 

OPPORTUNITY LIES IN TECHNOLOGY…BUT WE’RE STILL CONFUSED

 

Domesticnotdead: I think what I’ve learned from my self-diagnosed elementary school empty-nest syndrome is that this is the greatest time in history to follow your dreams. Technology has made so many avenues readily available. It’s a matter of convincing yourself that your creativity matters and can make a difference. It’s amazing what actually taking that step will do.

 

Little Jacket: Judith–when I hear you wondering if you were building a good life, with your accomplishments, it makes me think that there is a condition at work here that prevents us from realizing that we are who we are now…? I produce Gretchen Rubin’s videos, who you mentioned in your recent article–she has this saying Be Gretchen. meaning be actually who you are. Thoughts?

 

Judith: … the ability to “Be Gretchen” or “Be Judy” or whatever means that you have to really be able to identify who you are and like who you are. That’s not a given for a lot of people, either part of the equation.

 

Wildgeese:  I find that it is easy to lose who I am because motherhood has drained my confidence. I care so much about raising happy, healthy good citizens of the world that I lose myself. I find the work feedback loop so much more confidence building and so much easier to Be Me.

 

WE NEED TO “CREATE A KINGDOM INSIDE OURSELVES”

 

Judith Warner: This is a quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Crack-Up” which, of course, has nothing to do with motherhood, …it fitted so perfectly how I was feeling after the years of trying to do absolutely everything. I wonder if others will relate as well:
“I began to realize that for two years of my life I had been drawing on resources that I did not possess, that I had been mortgaging myself physically and spiritually up to the hilt.”

 

Tracy Mayor: I do feel all of this searching has something to do with our larger society — people are really not feeling fulfilled by our culture, work, economy, shared values. It’s like we’re each trying to create a little kingdom inside of ourselves because the world around us isn’t doing it. I kind of dream of a time — which probably never existed — where a majority of people all felt at least somewhat on the same page. But of course there was a huge price to pay for that homogeneity (paging Betty Draper).

 

Judith Warner: That is so true!!

 

A FULL-TIME JOB CHANGES EVERYTHING–ALMOST

 

Judith: Is anyone in a traditional, full-time job? I would be eager to hear her perspective, because, in my experience so far, women in that position experience this transition a bit differently (much less dramatically, in fact).

 

Magpie: Me! Traditional FT job. (Well, maybe not that traditional, it’s an arts non-profit.) My husband is the stay-at-home parent, because he’s on LT disabililty. I feel like I’m missing lots of bits of my daughter’s growing up, because he’s the one putting her on the bus, and taking her to activities, and hosting playdates.

 

Judith: I guess I was thinking of this: I tend to experience these issues much as you all do. But, last summer, I got together with a group of women in Washington, DC who really felt differently about things. They just didn’t ask themselves these kinds of questions. It was like: they knew where they were from and they knew where they were going, and they didn’t let themselves be sidetracked by these kinds of concerns. And I felt sort of silly. I’d assumed the kind of angst I was experiencing was very widespread (which obviously it is). But what accounts for that kind of difference? How you grew up? What your expectations were of life on your way up?

 

Some were women who’d grown up in very modest backgrounds, who’d been very clear, always, on where they wanted to go in life and what it would take to get there and were very aware of how good they had it now and that life could be very different. One was a woman whose mother had really felt she’d sacrificed her own life to her family (and husband in particular before getting divorced) and I think she’d always had an agreement with herself that she wouldn’t end up in that position. I think that everyone’s individual life story plays a big role here.

 

Little Jacket: Yes, and I suppose that the angst of all of this is a luxury that people with certain economic conditions can only experience?

 

DO KIDS EVER STOP NEEDING YOU?

 

Gray Matter Matters: The premise of the chat is based on “our kids not needing us as much.” At what point do you believe that happens. Here’s why I ask. It’s easy to believe your little children need you. They need you for day to day survival. But I would say that my son needs me more than ever (even if he doesn’t like to admit it) because he’s entering the years where he has more “internal” needs. Anyone know what I’m saying? Until they’re out of the house I don’t think they need us less.

 

Judith Warner: Yes, I agree the need is different as they get older. Less physically taxing — you’re not picking them up all the time — but more psychologically so. And I’ve also had the experience, as my kids get older, of feeling like I’m out of my league — when they encounter social challenges, for example, that I STILL don’t know how to handle. I am struck more and more, though, by how much daughters at my older daughter’s age (13 going on 14) seem to depend upon their mothers for a sense of how to be in the world (whether they recognize that or not.)

 

Deborah: As our kids grow….so do we. I am not the mom I was 16 years ago. We’ve all grown from what we needed/provided then to what we need/provide now.

 

Tracy Mayor: It’s the “position” analogy — first you lead, then you parent side-by-side with your child, then you drop back and parent from the rear. My high schooler, he’s already out in front of us, but he still needs a lot of encouragement and guidance from behind. My middle schooler, we’re side-by-side right now. It’s a great time, frankly. Tricky but enjoyable.

 

Kristin: I so agree. And I am frightened by the idea of not being around for the angst of teenagedom (not to mention the trouble they could get it) while also loving the idea of going back to work.

 

Wildgeese: I love this quote from Jean Luc Goddard and I think it applies to dealing with teenagers who I agree, still really need us. “…all the dragons in our lives are perhaps princesses expecting us to be handsome and brave. All the terrifying things are perhaps nothing but helpless things waiting for us to help them.”

 

Co-hosting the Talk were these fabulous bloggers:

 

Betsy Cadel, Gray Matter Matters and Cool Mom Tech
Tracey Clark, Founder, ShutterSisters
Maria Giacchino, My Little Jacket
Isabel Kallman, AlphaMom
Julie Pippert, Using My Words
Liz Thompson, This Full House

Why is it that no matter how great things might be going in our lives, we will focus on the one thing that isn’t?
When issues nag at us (I’m too heavy; my friend didn’t call back; my daughter isn’t focusing in school; etc.), the discontent can affect our whole lives.
Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of Self magazine, and women’s health psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf, M.D. led a conversation in The Motherhood to get at this phenomenon and talk about ways of overcoming it and becoming happier.
Lucy and Catherine’s book, The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life’s Little Imperfections looks at happiness in terms of nine rooms in a house – love and intimacy (the bedroom), friends (the living room), body image and health (the bathroom), etc.
Following are the highlights of the conversation.

 

What makes you happy?

 

Said co-host Jennifer James, “Chocolate frosted mini wheats. I can’t keep my hand out of the box. Help!”

 

And participant Brandie added, “The piano tuner just left. Before he left he played for us. Absolutely beautiful. And unexpected. Loved it!”

 

“It is ALL about the simple pleasures,” co-host Christine Koh concluded. “On my personal blog, I’ve started reflecting weekly on gratitude… all the little things, plus the big ones too.”

 

What makes you unhappy?

 

On the flip side, Lucy asked everyone to share what was making them unhappy, when everything should be going well.  Comments flooded in: cold weather, sick kids, unfinished projects, feeling overscheduled…

 

“Work!” said participant Glennia. “My job is in utter chaos … The chaos spills over into other aspects of my life too often.”

 

In dealing with stress at work, Lucy told the group first to think about the good things, and then “think about what you want to change.  We say in TNROH that ‘Not to decide is to decide,’ which essentially means if you’re STAYING with a job there is a reason … But we also say: Go or GROW … meaning go along with the status quo or take a leap of faith and a risk and grow into the next thing.”

 

But there are other common stressors.  Co-host Nicole Feliciano, Momtrends, struck a chord with everyone when she said, “An overpacked schedule makes me unhappy.  Is this the price of being a mom and a business owner?”

 

Responded Lucy, “You ARE busy and you wish you had more time for you. When you can, try to schedule in an hour JUST FOR YOU! … You’ll feel centered and more equipped to cope.”

 

As a general rule, she added, “I know it’s easy to let the exterior things get you down. We can find the happiest part of what is going right, and make THAT the thing that brings everything else UP.”

 

Going back to the house, said Catherine, “Once you identify your main problems, you can organize them into rooms … like if it’s an issue feeling intimate with your husband, you’re in the bedroom. Or if it’s the fear of how you are going to balance your work now that you have a newborn, it’s the office. The rooms of the house help keep it in perspective … at least organizationally, so you don’t get overwhelmed.”

 

Learning to say “no” and shake off anxiety

 

Living an overscheduled life undoubtedly can be a factor in generating stress and making us feel more anxious.

 

To deal with overscheduling, Lucy advised, “what we all have to be better at is learning to say YES to what we love in life, and what we need to say NO to that is depleting and destructive to our health and happiness.”

 

For existing anxiety, the Talk participants all had their own ways of coping.

 

Co-host Momtrends springs into action. “What are the things I can work on? … Getting organized always makes me feel less anxious.”

 

Others preferred methods of calming themselves.  JamieMKE turns to “Prayer. Slow breathing. Reminding myself that everything will be okay.”

 

Deborah strikes a balance: “I walk it out. And talk to my husband. I’m really beginning to believe that meditation works. I paint and journal a lot.”

 

Catherine advised, “Anxiety can be a normal part of daily life, but it can also be too much at times, making us feel nutty. I agree that getting organized can really help. Also identifying people or resources that can help you. And if you still find that you just can’t relax and this anxiety is infiltrating your life, think about talking to a good friend or confidant about it. It’s often a great first step in trying to see what’s at the core. If you can’t or want to keep it more private, consider seeing a professional. No shame in seeking therapy!”

 

The 10^th room: recharge your batteries

 

And in Lucy and Catherine’s metaphorical nine-room house of happiness, there is a secret: a 10^th room for that essential “me time.”

 

Or, as participant Glennia called it, “a mom cave.”

 

Catherine noted that we all need “a place or space where you can sanction your ‘down time’ … the place (metaphysically speaking) you can go to think, be, recharge.”

 

And don’t let it make you feel guilty.  “The rest of the world will still be waiting for you when you emerge,” Lucy pointed out. “But YOU will feel so much stronger and happier.”

 

“I love to start my day with prayer, a great workout, a delicious breakfast, and some hot coffee!” said participant JamieMKE. “These things help me feel invigorated!”

 

“The days where I start out with something just for me (e.g., yoga), I am more focused and energized and happy through the rest of the day,” agreed co-host Christine.

 

 

Letting go of perfection

 

One root of anxiety many participants struggled with was the idea of being “perfect,” and how to let go of that desire for perfection.

 

“It’s not easy for any of us!” said Catherine. “That’s for sure. But not all 9 rooms in the house need to be neat and tidy emotionally to find pleasure in what IS going right in your life.”

 

Lucy pointed out, “The real goal is to be happier, or content, or feel gratitude, even when the little messes exist around you. Not to let those rob your overall emotional well being. That there are messes is just reality, a part of life. Being happy despite the messes is the point.”

 

Christine, a former scientist, suggested “collecting data. As in, you experiment with things not being perfect and you see that it works out OK in the end. That has helped me a lot in my letting go journey.”

 

To learn more and buy the book to help you on your own journey toward happiness, visit The Nine Rooms of Happiness website, http://www.ninerooms.com.

 

 

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62125

When it comes to marketing to young girls going through a “princess phase,” there is only one color that matters anymore: pink.  In her new book, “Cinderella Ate My Daughter,” Peggy Orenstein argues that this commercialized princess stage is unnatural and asks if all of the pink is really necessary.

 

Peggy joined us in TheMotherhood to talk about her book and the effects princess culture can have on raising our daughters.  You can read the entire fascinating and insightful conversation here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62126

 

“What disturbed me most was that girls were being encouraged at an increasingly younger age to define themselves through appearance and play-sexiness, that the marketing had just gotten very, very intense towards 3-5 year olds,” Peggy commented.  “I’m not saying that if you wave a magic wand at 2 you’re going to be sexting at 13, but parents really need to understand the arc of what’s being marketed to girls.”

 

From Snow White to Snooki

 

Going beyond fairy-tale princesses, participant Morra wondered how real-life “princesses” on reality TV shows such as “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and the “Real Housewives” might affect girlie-girl culture.

 

“I don’t want any of those reality TV stars to ever be role models for my girls,” replied Brandie. “I want them to understand that even reality TV isn’t reality. It worries me.”

 

Added Peggy, “What you’re talking about is the performance culture that we live in, how everything is externalized, everything is about what you have and how you look rather than about character and deed.  And ultimately there IS a link there, it IS a concern, even if they aren’t watching Snooki.”

 

Co-host Vera concluded, “I think this conversation just emphasizes the point that parents need to be more involved. Television has spiraled out of control, and families need to start having the right conversations again. Maybe 15 years ago that wasn’t the case…. but we were watching Family Ties and not the Kardashians back then.”

 

Getting parents out of princess mode

 

Participant Mimi pointed out that “society throws it out there and so many families gobble it up, it becomes the norm. We become the strange ones who want our girls to be little girls and not mini 20-somethings. It’s hard to stop a speeding train!”

 

So how to slow down that train?  “It really needs to be a community education effort,” said Peggy. “Because otherwise you continue to have this pressure that all the ‘other girls are doing it.’ And you start to feel your child is going to be excluded, and that doesn’t feel good, so there is a lot of pressure, expectations, etc., that come into play.”

 

Agreed co-host MommyWords, “I think there is pressure even in pre-school [for kids] to assert their gender. It causes a lot of stress to little boys and girls who are not ‘feeling’ the pink or blue or dress up or cars thing.”

 

And that’s where support from Mom and Dad is invaluable to children.

 

Putting the emphasis on inner beauty

 

Parents and experts have long analyzed Barbie’s distorted proportions and the doll’s effect on little girls’ body image.  Less discussion has centered on Disney princesses’ measurements.

 

Participant Brandie observed that if you take a ruler to a Disney princess’s cartoon waist and neck, often you will find that they are the same width.  To illustrate her point, she posted this photo of a toddler t-shirt and said, “Notice, the waist is about the size of the neck opening.”

 

 

It falls to parents to combat the influence of society and princesses on children’s perception of beauty.  “When I put my daughter to sleep each night, I tell her – ‘You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re pretty. And you’re mine,’” said Vera. “She absolutely loves it. It’s my little goodnight and I wanted to be sure to show her that it’s not all about beauty. Intelligence and sense of self is also something that should be cherished.”

 

When strangers complimented participant Thienkim’s young daughter on her beauty, Thienkim turned it into a learning experience: “Ever since DD was born, people would stop to tell us how pretty she is. As DD was able to talk, I taught her to respond to these strangers with, ‘I’m smart too!’ It was fun to watch them backpedal after that. Now that she’s 5, we talk about how beauty is in the heart, not how you look. She totally gets it.”

 

Participants also discussed the way their own parents’ negative comments about their appearance had influenced their own self-esteem and made them determined to give their kids positive reinforcement.

 

Peggy said, “It does make you realize the impact our comments have. And I ALWAYS tell moms, Do. NOT. Comment. On. Your. Own. Weight. Period. It’s hard. I know I have to bite it back. But I do NOT comment on my weight in front of my daughter. Or hers. Or anyone’s. If she says something about someone being fat – and they will – I just say people come in different shapes and sizes and we emphasize HEALTH, not appearance.”

 

How princesses affect girls’ perception of love

 

Given the pervasive marketing of princess culture to young girls, co-host Nicole Perrino asked for opinions about what effect it might have on their relationships as they grew older: “Does she feel the need to always have a ‘prince charming’ rather than focus on her own goals and ambitions?”

 

Responded participant Deborah, “I think it gets tied in with romance and all that jazz. Girls that need saving and bad boys that can be changed by love.”

 

Brandie tells her girls, “true love is not someone riding in on a white horse to carry you off. True love is a partner who will help you do laundry, who will sit with you when you are sick, who will ask what you want and not just say for you. True love comes out in little acts every single day, and if you are waiting for that big white horse to carry you off scene, you might just miss it.”

 

Peggy noted that we’ve gotten carried away with the notion of fairy-tale romances. “You can now get Disney Princess wedding dresses. For grown ups. I mean you can get married in a ‘Cinderella’ wedding dress or whatever. I am personally waiting for the rollout of the Snow White coffin so you can be a princess from womb to tomb!”

 

What to take away

 

Peggy said, “Part of why I wrote this book was exactly to start the conversation” – like the one we’ve had in TheMotherhood, but on a nationwide scale. “I was thinking about the ways that Fast Food Nation and Omnivore’s Dilemma started conversations about what we feed our kids. Fifteen years ago, who knew about trans fats? Now we avoid them and made snack makers remove them from our kids’ food. This is about nutrition too, what we feed our kids’ heads and hearts, so I really believe that by bringing it out, talking about it, even disagreeing about it, we can make some change.”

 

Interesting Links

 

On NPR: Some researchers are saying that girly-girl culture may even be causing our daughters to be sick: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/02/03/133371076/how-keeping-little-girls-squeaky-clean-could-make-them-sick?print=1

 

About a new film, Miss Representation, which “explores women’s under-representation in positions of power by challenging the limited and often disparaging portrayal of women in the media”: http://www.missrepresentation.org/about.html

 

Peggy and “Cinderella Ate My Daughter” in Newsweek: http://www.newsweek.com/2011/01/26/disney-princesses-and-the-battle-for-your-daughter-s-soul.html

 

Peggy on The Diane Rehm Show: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2011-01-27/peggy-orenstein-cinderella-ate-my-daughter

 

NY Times book review of “Cinderella Ate My Daughter”: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/post/show/id/484184

 

 

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62126