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Managing your child’s phone use, circa 1982: Stand in front of child using the family phone, frowning and tapping your wristwatch, when her telephone call to friend down the street has exceeded five minutes. Repeat as needed until child hangs up. (My father was a master of this technique.)

Managing your child’s phone use, circa 2012: Decide how old child must be in order to have own cell phone. Decide what kind of cell phone to get for child. Decide whether the child must pay for all or part of the phone. Decide what services and/or apps to get on cell phone. Learn and discuss child’s school rules for cell phone possession and use. Discuss with child hazards of texting and driving. Read article about frequency of teens “sexting” and fret. Discuss with child etiquette of cell phone use during family time. Give up, curl up into fetal position beneath desk and weep quietly. (I am a master of this technique. At least the last part).

Most of us learn parenting skills from how our parents raised us, but what about the parts of parenting, like kids and cell phones, that didn’t exist when we were kids? We turn to other parents, other mothers. Today in The Motherhood, we were joined by Dr. G and panelists Jennifer Hall and Jessica Torres, along with some other wise women and mothers to try to figure out this new normal.

First off, when does a child need to have a cell phone? And how young is too young? Dr. G. says, “I would not get my kid a cell phone below the age that I would not ever let him be in a situation in which he is without adult supervision. So when my kids are old enough to go somewhere alone or only with friends.” That squared pretty well with most of the moms in the discussion, who generally felt their kids shouldn’t have phones until they were responsible enough to keep them safe, and needed them to communicate with parents.

So, okay–you’ve got a nice responsible kid who needs to let you know when soccer practice is running late.  What kind of phone do you get them? Flip phone? Smartphone? Most of the mothers in the discussion voted against smartphones. Given that smartphones largely equal unfettered access to the Internet, Jennifer Hall asserted, “Unsupervised internet may not happen until my kids are adults!” But as Jessica Torres pointed out, “The nice thing about iPhones is that you can set restrictions on it so if you don’t want your kids to have internet access you can block them from using it on their phones.” Still, most of us seem to feel that the main reason our kids have phones is to communicate with us–the added bells and whistles (and expense) of a smartphone really aren’t necessary.

Ah…communication with our kids. It’s why they have phones, but do their phones actually hamper real-life communication? Dr. G. asked if we think kids use their phone to check out of family time or face-to-face conversation. Deborah wisely pointed out that many people, not just kids, do that, and Rachel Blaufeld concurred that “I feel that statement to be more true about us as parents lately.” The bottom line: we need to model respectful phone use for our kids. We can’t expect them to attend to a family dinner if we ourselves are constantly checking our e-mail or texts at the table. Another thing we as parents need to model is safe use of our phones; it’s one thing to tell our kids that texting and driving is unsafe, but if you’re checking your phone at every stoplight, you’re sending a different message.

Dr. G. brought up a potentially touchy topic: do you look through the texts and pictures on your child’s phone? I haven’t (yet), but I think parents have the right to, as Deborah and Jennifer said they have done. If nothing else, a kid knowing that mom might see that photo or language she texted may put a filter between fingers and phone. Deborah is up-front with her son and unapologetic about having access: “He knows I do it. I also look though his FB and Twitter. He knows I do it there as well. No secret. It’s my job.” Dr. G. noted that it’s great to be able to trust our kids, but even the most trustworthy kids may not have the best judgment.  Realizing that mom’s eyes are on their phones might improve that judgment a little, methinks.

As with so many situations, giving kids clear expectations of what to expect with regard to our management of their cell phone use helps things go smoothly. Dr. G. suggests a rule whereby kids’ cell phones charge in the parents’ bedroom, starting a half-hour before bedtime. I thought this was brilliant: it’s an unobtrusive way of keeping kids from staying up late into the night texting their friends, and provides parents an opportunity to supervise who’s been called and what’s been texted (without having to do it right in front of the kids). A good way to establish this, and any other rules we deem important, is having a  contract with our kids. No need to involve a lawyer: Dr. G. has a guide for creating a tech use contract on her website. That way, you and your kids will have a clear line of communication about their cell phone use–before they use it to communicate with anyone else.