I remember, back in my long-ago single days, a spring evening spent shopping for clothes. As I stood waiting to pay for my purchase, a woman behind me wrangled two kids under five, yanking them out from under clothing displays and displaying impatience and temper that I was sure I would never feel, much less reveal, as a parent. My judgment must have shown on my face, because the woman paused to snarl at me, “What are YOU looking at?”
My future, apparently. How many times have I wished I could go back and apologize to that mom? About as many times as I’ve tried to corral my kids in a store, or get them to pick up their toys, or brush their teeth, or stop fighting. At least I’m not alone; every mom I’ve ever met has had power struggles with her kids—often on a daily basis.
So it was wonderful to have Susan Stiffelman, family therapist, Huffington Post Parent’s resident Parent Coach, and author of Parenting Without Power Struggles, on board today to discuss what we can do to make things easier on ourselves, and our kids, without totally ceding control. Susan was joined by a great panel, including Jenny Rapson, Sarah Auerswald, Lisa Frame, Shari , Stacy and Crystal.
“I wanna be the one…in control.”
Susan said that most of the parenting power struggles arise from a need to control. Not just ours, but our kids’ need to control their environments, and to feel like they matter: “I’ve found with chronic issues/ power struggles with kids is that generally speaking, when our kids know that we like them, when they feel “seen” by us and all that good stuff, they’re more naturally inclined to cooperate than when they feel like they’re just the agent by which we get things checked off our list. That’s more when they dig in their heels.”
Making “Sunday Afternoon” work for you
One common issue, brought up by Lisa, was a lack of personal responsibility on her son’s part, with the example of his failure to take some needed medication on a regular basis. Shari cited her biggest power struggle, with her daughter, over a lack of respect. For both of these scenarios, Susan offered the “Sunday Afternoon Act,” which involves taking advantage of a time when you and your child are relaxed and connected to address a big issue. For example, you might say to your child, “Honey, there’s something I’d like to talk with you about…is now a good time?” Assuming you get a positive response, proceed with, “I notice that when I ask you to do something, it seems hard to answer me in a friendly way. Tell me what that’s about…” Then comes the hard part: staying quiet and LISTENING, with a lot of “tell me more” before you start discussing what to do instead. By doing this, Susan suggests, you might uncover something that’s fueling your child’s behavior that you otherwise wouldn’t. This technique works best in situations in which your child is old enough to discuss the problem–and because they feel heard, it helps them “buy in” to the solution.
The Power (Struggle) of the Plate
Who couldn’t relate to Sarah’s chief parenting power struggle–how to get her son to eat what’s on his plate? It’s been a chronic issue at my house, too. Susan says that food is a very common bone of contention between parents and kids. She offers a couple of pieces of sage advice on this score: first (and easier said than done): try to care less, or at least try to show it less. When kids know we’re heavily invested in what/how much they eat, Susan says, “It promotes push-backs.” Also, consider involving your child in meal planning, shopping, cooking, or serving the food. And as Crystal pointed out, a child isn’t going to starve himself–eventually, he will eat, so try not to stress too much about it.
We now interrupt this power struggle currently in progress…
Jenny gave voice to a question many of us share: how do you defuse a power struggle that’s going on right now? Susan counseled, “My first thing of course is to avoid them; using the Captain of the ship analogy, it means scanning the horizon for storms. If your 3 year old is already losing it, don’t take her to the grocery store at 5 pm. But if you didn’t see it coming, and there’s a power struggle, stick to saying things or asking questions that he/she would say “yes” to at least three times….This diffuses the energy and helps the child feel heard and soften for your guidance.” Again, a child is more likely to listen if she feels listened to.
The theme of kids being more willing to comply with our agendas when they “feel seen” arose repeatedly in the chat. Susan referred to it as not being “lost to the list.” She observed, “Our kids feel sort of shuffled about…they tend to express their resentment about that by moving vveerrryyy sslloowwllyy….” That’s why she advises a few minutes of joke-telling/song-singing/snuggling to start off the morning routine. Once the kids have that few minutes of attention, they’re more likely to roll with their parents’ agendas.
Don’t forget what you’re doing right
Susan reminded everyone to acknowledge their best parenting moments. Stacey cited her pride in the good manners she’s taught her kids; Sarah mentioned being able to listen to her kids with compassion, but without too much ego investment in the outcome of the discussion. Crystal said her pride comes from the fact that her kids “feel loved, no matter what.” Just as we all have our struggles, we all have those things that we’re doing right. We need to stay aware of them, if only to remember that we’re good moms, in spite of the inevitable struggles.
More resources:
Purchase “Parenting without Power Struggles”
Susan’s website
