Cooking with Loved Ones

Why is it that no matter how great things might be going in our lives, we will focus on the one thing that isn’t?
When issues nag at us (I’m too heavy; my friend didn’t call back; my daughter isn’t focusing in school; etc.), the discontent can affect our whole lives.
Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of Self magazine, and women’s health psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf, M.D. led a conversation in The Motherhood to get at this phenomenon and talk about ways of overcoming it and becoming happier.
Lucy and Catherine’s book, The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life’s Little Imperfections looks at happiness in terms of nine rooms in a house – love and intimacy (the bedroom), friends (the living room), body image and health (the bathroom), etc.
Following are the highlights of the conversation.

What makes you happy?

Said co-host Jennifer James, “Chocolate frosted mini wheats. I can’t keep my hand out of the box. Help!”

And participant Brandie added, “The piano tuner just left. Before he left he played for us. Absolutely beautiful. And unexpected. Loved it!”

“It is ALL about the simple pleasures,” co-host Christine Koh concluded. “On my personal blog, I’ve started reflecting weekly on gratitude… all the little things, plus the big ones too.”

What makes you unhappy?

On the flip side, Lucy asked everyone to share what was making them unhappy, when everything should be going well.  Comments flooded in: cold weather, sick kids, unfinished projects, feeling overscheduled…

“Work!” said participant Glennia. “My job is in utter chaos … The chaos spills over into other aspects of my life too often.”

In dealing with stress at work, Lucy told the group first to think about the good things, and then “think about what you want to change.  We say in TNROH that ‘Not to decide is to decide,’ which essentially means if you’re STAYING with a job there is a reason … But we also say: Go or GROW … meaning go along with the status quo or take a leap of faith and a risk and grow into the next thing.”

But there are other common stressors.  Co-host Nicole Feliciano, Momtrends, struck a chord with everyone when she said, “An overpacked schedule makes me unhappy.  Is this the price of being a mom and a business owner?”

Responded Lucy, “You ARE busy and you wish you had more time for you. When you can, try to schedule in an hour JUST FOR YOU! … You’ll feel centered and more equipped to cope.”

As a general rule, she added, “I know it’s easy to let the exterior things get you down. We can find the happiest part of what is going right, and make THAT the thing that brings everything else UP.”

Going back to the house, said Catherine, “Once you identify your main problems, you can organize them into rooms … like if it’s an issue feeling intimate with your husband, you’re in the bedroom. Or if it’s the fear of how you are going to balance your work now that you have a newborn, it’s the office. The rooms of the house help keep it in perspective … at least organizationally, so you don’t get overwhelmed.”

Learning to say “no” and shake off anxiety

Living an overscheduled life undoubtedly can be a factor in generating stress and making us feel more anxious.

To deal with overscheduling, Lucy advised, “what we all have to be better at is learning to say YES to what we love in life, and what we need to say NO to that is depleting and destructive to our health and happiness.”

For existing anxiety, the Talk participants all had their own ways of coping.

Co-host Momtrends springs into action. “What are the things I can work on? … Getting organized always makes me feel less anxious.”

Others preferred methods of calming themselves.  JamieMKE turns to “Prayer. Slow breathing. Reminding myself that everything will be okay.”

Deborah strikes a balance: “I walk it out. And talk to my husband. I’m really beginning to believe that meditation works. I paint and journal a lot.”

Catherine advised, “Anxiety can be a normal part of daily life, but it can also be too much at times, making us feel nutty. I agree that getting organized can really help. Also identifying people or resources that can help you. And if you still find that you just can’t relax and this anxiety is infiltrating your life, think about talking to a good friend or confidant about it. It’s often a great first step in trying to see what’s at the core. If you can’t or want to keep it more private, consider seeing a professional. No shame in seeking therapy!”

The 10^th room: recharge your batteries

And in Lucy and Catherine’s metaphorical nine-room house of happiness, there is a secret: a 10^th room for that essential “me time.”

Or, as participant Glennia called it, “a mom cave.”

Catherine noted that we all need “a place or space where you can sanction your ‘down time’ … the place (metaphysically speaking) you can go to think, be, recharge.”

And don’t let it make you feel guilty.  “The rest of the world will still be waiting for you when you emerge,” Lucy pointed out. “But YOU will feel so much stronger and happier.”

“I love to start my day with prayer, a great workout, a delicious breakfast, and some hot coffee!” said participant JamieMKE. “These things help me feel invigorated!”

“The days where I start out with something just for me (e.g., yoga), I am more focused and energized and happy through the rest of the day,” agreed co-host Christine.

Letting go of perfection

One root of anxiety many participants struggled with was the idea of being “perfect,” and how to let go of that desire for perfection.

“It’s not easy for any of us!” said Catherine. “That’s for sure. But not all 9 rooms in the house need to be neat and tidy emotionally to find pleasure in what IS going right in your life.”

Lucy pointed out, “The real goal is to be happier, or content, or feel gratitude, even when the little messes exist around you. Not to let those rob your overall emotional well being. That there are messes is just reality, a part of life. Being happy despite the messes is the point.”

Christine, a former scientist, suggested “collecting data. As in, you experiment with things not being perfect and you see that it works out OK in the end. That has helped me a lot in my letting go journey.”

To learn more and buy the book to help you on your own journey toward happiness, visit The Nine Rooms of Happiness website, http://www.ninerooms.com.

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62125

When it comes to marketing to young girls going through a “princess phase,” there is only one color that matters anymore: pink.  In her new book, “Cinderella Ate My Daughter,” Peggy Orenstein argues that this commercialized princess stage is unnatural and asks if all of the pink is really necessary.

Peggy joined us in TheMotherhood to talk about her book and the effects princess culture can have on raising our daughters.  You can read the entire fascinating and insightful conversation here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62126

“What disturbed me most was that girls were being encouraged at an increasingly younger age to define themselves through appearance and play-sexiness, that the marketing had just gotten very, very intense towards 3-5 year olds,” Peggy commented.  “I’m not saying that if you wave a magic wand at 2 you’re going to be sexting at 13, but parents really need to understand the arc of what’s being marketed to girls.”

From Snow White to Snooki

Going beyond fairy-tale princesses, participant Morra wondered how real-life “princesses” on reality TV shows such as “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and the “Real Housewives” might affect girlie-girl culture.

“I don’t want any of those reality TV stars to ever be role models for my girls,” replied Brandie. “I want them to understand that even reality TV isn’t reality. It worries me.”

Added Peggy, “What you’re talking about is the performance culture that we live in, how everything is externalized, everything is about what you have and how you look rather than about character and deed.  And ultimately there IS a link there, it IS a concern, even if they aren’t watching Snooki.”

Co-host Vera concluded, “I think this conversation just emphasizes the point that parents need to be more involved. Television has spiraled out of control, and families need to start having the right conversations again. Maybe 15 years ago that wasn’t the case…. but we were watching Family Ties and not the Kardashians back then.”

Getting parents out of princess mode

Participant Mimi pointed out that “society throws it out there and so many families gobble it up, it becomes the norm. We become the strange ones who want our girls to be little girls and not mini 20-somethings. It’s hard to stop a speeding train!”

So how to slow down that train?  “It really needs to be a community education effort,” said Peggy. “Because otherwise you continue to have this pressure that all the ‘other girls are doing it.’ And you start to feel your child is going to be excluded, and that doesn’t feel good, so there is a lot of pressure, expectations, etc., that come into play.”

Agreed co-host MommyWords, “I think there is pressure even in pre-school [for kids] to assert their gender. It causes a lot of stress to little boys and girls who are not ‘feeling’ the pink or blue or dress up or cars thing.”

And that’s where support from Mom and Dad is invaluable to children.

Putting the emphasis on inner beauty

Parents and experts have long analyzed Barbie’s distorted proportions and the doll’s effect on little girls’ body image.  Less discussion has centered on Disney princesses’ measurements.

Participant Brandie observed that if you take a ruler to a Disney princess’s cartoon waist and neck, often you will find that they are the same width.  To illustrate her point, she posted this photo of a toddler t-shirt and said, “Notice, the waist is about the size of the neck opening.”

It falls to parents to combat the influence of society and princesses on children’s perception of beauty.  “When I put my daughter to sleep each night, I tell her – ‘You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re pretty. And you’re mine,’” said Vera. “She absolutely loves it. It’s my little goodnight and I wanted to be sure to show her that it’s not all about beauty. Intelligence and sense of self is also something that should be cherished.”

When strangers complimented participant Thienkim’s young daughter on her beauty, Thienkim turned it into a learning experience: “Ever since DD was born, people would stop to tell us how pretty she is. As DD was able to talk, I taught her to respond to these strangers with, ‘I’m smart too!’ It was fun to watch them backpedal after that. Now that she’s 5, we talk about how beauty is in the heart, not how you look. She totally gets it.”

Participants also discussed the way their own parents’ negative comments about their appearance had influenced their own self-esteem and made them determined to give their kids positive reinforcement.

Peggy said, “It does make you realize the impact our comments have. And I ALWAYS tell moms, Do. NOT. Comment. On. Your. Own. Weight. Period. It’s hard. I know I have to bite it back. But I do NOT comment on my weight in front of my daughter. Or hers. Or anyone’s. If she says something about someone being fat – and they will – I just say people come in different shapes and sizes and we emphasize HEALTH, not appearance.”

How princesses affect girls’ perception of love

Given the pervasive marketing of princess culture to young girls, co-host Nicole Perrino asked for opinions about what effect it might have on their relationships as they grew older: “Does she feel the need to always have a ‘prince charming’ rather than focus on her own goals and ambitions?”

Responded participant Deborah, “I think it gets tied in with romance and all that jazz. Girls that need saving and bad boys that can be changed by love.”

Brandie tells her girls, “true love is not someone riding in on a white horse to carry you off. True love is a partner who will help you do laundry, who will sit with you when you are sick, who will ask what you want and not just say for you. True love comes out in little acts every single day, and if you are waiting for that big white horse to carry you off scene, you might just miss it.”

Peggy noted that we’ve gotten carried away with the notion of fairy-tale romances. “You can now get Disney Princess wedding dresses. For grown ups. I mean you can get married in a ‘Cinderella’ wedding dress or whatever. I am personally waiting for the rollout of the Snow White coffin so you can be a princess from womb to tomb!”

What to take away

Peggy said, “Part of why I wrote this book was exactly to start the conversation” – like the one we’ve had in TheMotherhood, but on a nationwide scale. “I was thinking about the ways that Fast Food Nation and Omnivore’s Dilemma started conversations about what we feed our kids. Fifteen years ago, who knew about trans fats? Now we avoid them and made snack makers remove them from our kids’ food. This is about nutrition too, what we feed our kids’ heads and hearts, so I really believe that by bringing it out, talking about it, even disagreeing about it, we can make some change.”

Interesting Links

On NPR: Some researchers are saying that girly-girl culture may even be causing our daughters to be sick: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/02/03/133371076/how-keeping-little-girls-squeaky-clean-could-make-them-sick?print=1

About a new film, Miss Representation, which “explores women’s under-representation in positions of power by challenging the limited and often disparaging portrayal of women in the media”: http://www.missrepresentation.org/about.html

Peggy and “Cinderella Ate My Daughter” in Newsweek: http://www.newsweek.com/2011/01/26/disney-princesses-and-the-battle-for-your-daughter-s-soul.html

Peggy on The Diane Rehm Show: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2011-01-27/peggy-orenstein-cinderella-ate-my-daughter

NY Times book review of “Cinderella Ate My Daughter”: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/post/show/id/484184

See the original Talk here: http://tmotherhood.wpengine.com/talk/show/id/62126